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Old 08-27-2015, 05:30 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: PA
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I have no idea what to title today's movie. I found it on Netflix where it's called 'Evil Remains', but during the opening credits they refer to it as 'Trespassing'.
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I expected your cliche abusive southern family with our opening scene, but what a twist. The son is actually quite insane. When your kid strangles the family pet, that's a red flag right there to either send it away or kill it with fire. ...Ironically suggested before the mother is killed.

And the next scene has Daniel Gillies (Vampire Diaries, Originals) and Kurtwood Smith (That 70's Show) and I lose my shit. Gillies plays a grad student working on a thesis interviewing Smith's character who's a doctor of sorts. I'm guessing a therapist since he's talking about the Bryce kid who killed his parents.

The Bryce family was supposedly residence on a property that was cursed. Some bitch who had slaves back in the day was abusive and lights her home on fire with her slaves still inside. ...That's not so much a curse so much as more evidence that the place is likely cursed. Seeing as the kid also did the same to his mother.

Grad student (Mark I think) of course doesn't believe in the curse and intends to go to this place, and take all his idiot friends with him. But first! Let's play cards at a frat party! You guys are so hardcore.

Oh and lesbians. I don't see why that's important but they spent too much time on it so I guess it's important so I'm mentioning it.

Finally road trip time. Lots of nice eerie scenery on the way I must say. Especially that ass end of the van. The grounds are nice, house is nice. Mark tells comedy relief to shut up and drama occurs. That scene went no where but to strengthen my hope that he dies.

We've already split up at this point. The girls having gone for a walk and come across a fuck ton of traps in the forest. Saving a pet rabbit and found a human skull. ...Forgetting about the human skull moments later.

Two pointless transitions later, comedy relief who's also the sound guy (Eric) thinks he hears something and calls Mark over, who debunks it as Tyler the camera guy in the basement. Tyler is indeed in the basement, and loud crashes bring him upstairs. Runs into Mark and they start a weird bitch fit. Just make out already.

Now I know Gillies can act. So what is with him and the wall... it's bleeding and he's practically molesting it. No don't cry it's nothing to cry over. Where can I abort movie. Yes go in the attic. Anything but what you're doing now. Welp we found comic relief. Figured he'd be the first to die. Mark is between himself killing Eric or his younger brother the camera guy killing him.

Oh hay the lesbians suddenly remember the skull. ...Sure, honey. You tell yourself it's just a novelty toy.

Tyler mouthed off to Mark about their abusive daddy and walked into a trap of some sort... I think it impaled his torso... I can't see what the hell happened to him. He's just dead now k.

At this point I can't tell if Mark is scared or going crazy... probably the later. And Tyler's body somehow walked away. After a few weird camera angles Mark attacks a window and gets out of the attic, only to fall off the roof and get pulled back inside.

The lesbians see him but don't heed his warning, running towards the house like character fodder and fall in a cellar. Crawling further in the one with dreads appears to be going crazy. Surprisingly the blond (Christie I think) is the strong female in this. Dreds is going nuts. Gee I wonder if this place really IS cursed. Cursed to make everyone over dramatic to the point of killing them to make them shut up.

The killer wearing a mask made of a canine skull and fur comes downstairs and the two make a run for it, using the flash of a camera in the basement that Tyler left behind. Dredlocks' leg is bad so she falls and Christie goes to help her up... and I have to rewind cause a second later Dreds is at a window and blondie is following? Movie you're drunk stop.

And we're outsiiiide and we're runningggg. Dreds bitches about her legs but she still runs. They make it to the van but the steering wheel comes off. ...CONVENIENT.

"He's going to kill us. And it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt when he kills us." Best line.

Come on blondie just kill her. She asked for it and she's slowing you down and being VERY rude. Bipolar rude. ''I'm scared, i want to go home, HE'S NOT THE KILLER THAT GUY'S DEAD DAMMIT.''

"Oh nooooo poison oak! I'll be itching for days!" *gets stabbed* I think that's the least of your problems.

So the lone blond keeps running and finds a random barn with a guy welding inside it. She talks him into calling the cops and he's just giggly as fuck to the guy on the other end. His back's to the door. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

If you have half a braincell you assume he gets dead and you get a cookie. Going after blondie she runs to the highway and makes it across the road. Dog face isn't so lucky and gets hit by a semi. I'm sure he's fiiiiiiiiine.

FOUR YEARS LATER.
Some ignorant bitch is questioning the good doctor about Christie with this rumor or whatever that she was the one that killed everyone. Doc should've threatened to put his foot up her ass if she went to that house. I think it would've been more effective. Instead he tells her to do her research. ...HELPFUL. She'll be next to die after the creds roll.

It's no wonder Kurtwood didn't want to be credited in this. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IMDB THOUGH, RED.


(I wanted to add some screencaps but my computer is being a bitch and I'm drawing blanks, so you'll have to deal with my asshole remarks for today.)
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