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Short Story (1 of 3)
The Burn
I am surrounded by people, yet always alone. Drowning in my self afflicted solitude. Do I dare try to climb out? Or just sink to the bottom, to the bottom to darkness, to the darkness to death. Is there really a liberation in death? Is there? Is there some glorious afterlife awaiting us all at the end of some pearly gate. I spit on that. I curse that. I defy that. I live on in spite of that. Death has no hold on me take me please. Death does not control my life. Please im begging you. Death only affects the weak Don't leave me like this Death is not the answer to an unsolvable question. I want to be free. Death carries no restraint on me I just want to be free. Death is not me. I cannot take it anymore Where in this world I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, as the walls come alive and move closer to me, trying to keep in their prison of fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of the walls. I am afraid of the darkness. But I stand in resistance. I stand in the resolve that when I open my eyes all will be well. And I close my eyes. And I press them shut And I hope against hope And I pray against prayer And I open my eyes And the walls are gone. And yet..... And yet I look around And yet the fear is still there I cannot stand strong And yet the walls ARE still moving Tighter and tighter and tighter Enclosing me And I fall to my knees And I look up to God And I Scream AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I close my eyes. And I hold my legs And I hope against Hope And I pray against Prayer And I open my eyes And the walls are gone And the fear is gone And all is still wrong with the world As I await for the walls to close again. The world that ive succumbed to is not the world that I learned about. Bedtime stories, fairy godparents, happily ever afters are replaced by serial rapists, child molesters, and disillusioned dreams. The world promised to us. The ultimate lie. "Our children are the future" So let us bind them, gag them, keep them quiet. Lets us give them guns and preach hate, then act surprised when they shoot up a school. Lets make kids feel like shit at home, and loved in a gang, and see our shocked expressions when they are killed in a driveby during a turf war. Lets beat their future, reduce them to nothing, strip away their innocence, kill their faith, and set them loose in the world. Fuck you. Fuck your ideals Fuck your hypocracy Lets watch what you have released into Your own world. Lets see your master plan God. Lets see what you have up your sleeves. Lets see your world in flames. Here I am with the match. There has to be a breaking point in the pain one man can endure. The irony is knowing that it is there and yet never wanting to test the limits to find out. Never wanting to know what will be the end of us, the end being something we more or less just want to happen instead of constantly pushing the boundries to find out what our own limitations are. I say push the boundries, find out what will kill us and then go two steps farther, I have nothing to live for and everything to die for. So I stand at the upheaval of my mind and my soul, at the crossroads which my limitations will reach their peak and I wonder what will be my downfall. My ego, my mind, my heart. And I push them all to their breaking points. Take me in the glory that is the burn I want to die, I want to be free, the only thing that has eluded me. I want to rot, six feet under, buried with my complications I want to sleep, close my eyes, forever I want to rest from this place where I cannot control My eyes hurt from staying awake so long They ache everytime I blink and I force them open again I drift away into unconsciousness but am only met with fear and pain and anger The past haunts us forever Never letting us have a moment of peace, happiness fleeting, smiles disappear but the scars of the past last forever. Marking you as tainted, leaving you helpless, alone, scared, and shunned by God. I cannot close my eyes, I cannot rest, I cannot sleep, I cannot die. But I sit here on my knees, begging you. Put the gun to my head. Against my temple, let me close my eyes, let me feel the metal against my skin Let me know that its okay, that everything will be over soon Let me smile one more time, for the first time, let me know that the end is here Let me sigh a breathe of relief letting all my demons go. Let me sleep, let me rest let me die Pull the trigger. *BANG* Finally im free. Am I sick? Deranged? Out of my mind? Possibly. No, completely. Why? Who knows, who cares, who decides what shaped me, and what I survived. I have survived. I have survived my life till my death, I have my survived my past to my present and will bury my future 6 feet down. I know of my strengths, my weaknesses. I know what will kill me. Push me harder. I know that I will fall. Not right now. I know that Im going to die Take me I know that someone can save me I will destroy them I know what a smile is I look away I know what my grave looks like I'll take up the shovel I know I what I can do to you Pray to your God I know what I will do to you Fear my ambitions I know what is going to happen I have your shovel I know your fear Look into my eyes I know your life The eyes of a child I know what you are capable of I am not afraid I know that you can hurt me Kill me I know that you can make me bleed Leave me dead I know that you can end me Please free me But it is not my time The scars... I have more work to do Of the past... I have my own life Must be.... I will end yours for mine Avenged IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT GOD?! CAUSE HERE I AM! IM READY TO END THIS! YOU AND ME! FORGET THE REST!!! FUCK THEM ALL! I WILL END THIS WORLD JUST TO SPITE WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, WHAT YOU LOVE! JUST TO HURT YOU! JUST TO HURT YOU LIKE YOU HURT ME! YOU GAVE ME THIS LIFE! YOU MADE ME BLEED! YOU MADE ME CRY!!! ITS YOUR TURN! Its your turn now....its your turn now...its your turn now. Your ending, will give me strength. My brother, My friend. My heartless slaughter. I burn, they burn, I bleed, they bleed, I live, they die. they don't have the scars, they don't have the desire, they don't have the ambitions, they don't have the life, they don't have the mind, they don't have the talent, they don't have me, they can never have me, they will fall down down down down into the void of blackness of blood, of death, of hatred, of fear. They will feel the walls closing in. They can see the burn taking over. They will find out just what it is that I really am. I am not a man, I am not a child, I am mearly a personification of God's regrets, of his shame. He turned His back on me. And in that action I will strike down all of his children that he loves so much. My brother, my friend, their God. Their end. Their burn. I see only their world that will be robbed of everything that they care about. your wife is not safe, your child is not safe. The burn is all consuming, faceless, eating away at everything and everyone. You are not safe. My brother, a man who I love more than myself, will find his way down. I see only outlets for my rage, for my obession, for my pain, for my grief. I see only redemption in their death, I see only the spite of killing those in God's light. I see only your blood on my hands, my face, my body. I feel only God's tears dropping on my face, washing me in my own sin. Damning myself. Into the ground. BURY ME GOD PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO KILL MY BROTHER! I DON'T WANT TO KILL MY FRIEND! I DON'T WANT TO GIVE INTO THE BURN.... I beg you, kill me. Because if you don't kill me. I will end you. If you hesistate, I will destroy you. Do what you have to do, but don't second guess yourself. My relief comes beneath the dirt. Prepare yourself for the worst. Prepare your lives for the eventual. Im sorry. What I will do isn't about who you are. Its about who I am, who I was, who I want to be, and what Ill do to become something else. The burn is inside me, consuming me, Im sorry. Welcome to the burn. Welcome to the end. |
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