Lighthouse

[feral cat]

Lighthouse

The cast of a rather gentile Sunday early evening BBC drama turn up on location to shoot an episode of your grans favourite show. Unknowingly they have been tricked into working on a slasher flick written and directed by a nice young chap who has just finished his film degree and who’s mommy and daddy along with there rich friends have given him the cash to make a film before he gets a proper job with daddy's company!
Blockbuster (yeah I know you all hate them, but you should have supported your local video libraries in the first place and not been taken in by all that yellow and bright lights), anyway blockbuster do a 3 videos for £5 and you can keep them for five nights if you rent them on Monday to Thursday from the older titles. So I went in on Monday and got, Lighthouse, Wonder Seven and Starship Troopers Ruffnecks (animation). First up on the DVD player was this movie lighthouse sounded interesting enough and as I had not heard of it before I thought it could be one of those lost horror classics that you come across by accident (Its not). So I put it in the in the tray slid it in and sat back on the sofa with the dogs (My pets not cool hip hop speak for buddy's, don’t worry I can be a dick, but not that much of a dick!) expecting great things. It started with some kind of black and white flashback stuff which seemed ok, so things where going well and then it happened the first character started speaking ... Oh no please no ... Anything but that ... A second character began to speak and then there was no choice but to accept the fatal mistake I had made! I had rented A MODERN BRITISH MOVIE and a horror at that! I kept repeating to myself the classic horror mantra “it’s only a movie” to contain my temper and tried to hope this movie would be different, that British horror would stop spitting on Peter Cushing’s grave and finally return us to Wicker man / Asylum greatness! Well as you may have guessed from the general tone of this piece this film leant back, cleared its throat and spat a huge green coloured ball on the house that Hammer built!
A small ship is transporting prisoners to a prison “300”, yes “300” miles off the coast of the UK, where the fuck is this prison Iceland? On board are a crew of 1 maybe 2, 4 prisoners and about as many guards. Along for the ride is a young female psychiatrist (Who insists on dressing like she has left her horse just around the corner, maybe the “actress” was eager to get back to daddy's manor for a spot of polo and was fed up with helping her school chum with his silly little movie project (“oh god Simon you are such a bore, it’s jolly cold out here lets go back to Pa pa’s and have a nip of some of that fine Cognac he’s been hoarding”) One of the prisoners is a raving psychotic, Mike Myers type character Leo Rook who kills a guard in a super contrived prison escape and then rows to a lighthouse “300” miles from land which he just happened to know was there even though he was imprisoned below deck (Yeah)! On arriving he kills the 3 keepers who just happened to be on there last night ever before the lighthouse becomes automated (again Yeah!). Then in another contrived coincidence and without having noticed he has gone, the ship itself becomes wrecked and the remaining 3 prisoners 2 guards and that annoying posh bird are stranded on the island! Everyone on the ship turns out to be a pussy, leaving Rook to kill them at will, while they just stand and take it! We are given no background on Rook even though he has this posh bit of totty psychiatrist who is studying him (cause he's such a psycho get it). Worth noting are the scenes in which a radio explodes in a tiny explosion but the “force”(and I mean that in the star wars way as well as literally) sends the lead character tumbling to the ground, when it was about as much of an explosion as you get when you light a match. Also of note is the fact they burn one of there fellows to bits thinking he was Rook, now he wasn’t a top guy but they horrible kill him and then don’t really blink even though they are now murderers and anyway don’t they know psychos wear white shoes!!! There's the good prisoner who is (falsely convicted, he had an epileptic fit while someone shot his wife ... aah that old chestnut!) and he fights Rook on the tower in a finale that made me want to remove my eyes “May” style. Mid this finale struggle we randomly find out that the posh birds mother was killed by Rook and she witnessed it all, the shocking thing apart from Rook having not aged is he has had the same pair of white shoes for 20 years and there still in top condition! I think having white shoes identifies him as a psycho, which I guess has some merit! We then get, the killers dead ooh no he's not “classic” ending. An finally a helicopter turns ups which no one called as they have no radio!

So there you have it, Lighthouse its British, its Shit, and not everything that seems a bargain is! Yo dogs lets go for a walk...... Peace!

I would give this 2, because the two comedy prisoners (I'm not sure if there meant to be) are funny and very weird as complete pussy's go but thats prasing it too much, so Its gonna get 1/10

Review by Feral

[Elvis_Christ]

Blockbuster (yeah I know you all hate them, but you should have supported your local video libraries in the first place and not been taken in by all that yellow and bright lights)

What?! :mad: Yeh that's totally what happened :rolleyes:

[Vodstok]

?

[newb]

Its good to see its just not the U.S. making shitty movies.