Last Seen Contemporary Movie

[Tommy Jarvis]

The 50 Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen 2014 ★★★

A fun little overview of good (and less good) horror movies. A lot of talking heads, but you can tell that they love the genre.

A fun game is ticking off a check to see how many of these you saw (at the time I am only around 12).

Enjoyable for what it is and bound to provide you with some viewing material.

Ps: I was sick at the time and needed something I could fall asleep to.

The Belko Experiment 2016 ★★½

A fun little romp about a fictitious company named Belko that locks in all of its employees on a blue whatever day. And then makes clear that their mission is killing each other.

Oh, first, it's only two. Sure. But the more fast witted people in the ranks immediately figure out the long game.

The characters reach across the spectre from the main baddie who kills to survive to all rood good guy Mike. But the main heel is Wendell. A grade-a a-hole who you cannot trust under any circumstances. Lacks the courage to take responsability but will kill his friend to save his own hide.

No fancy dinner but okay for what it is.

Hatchet 2006 ★★★★

Hatchet is a solid slasher that delivers on all the levels. Wether it's on the kills or the gore, it never fails to deliver. I have to say that that's a nice pace of change after a slew of PG 13 slashers where some of the kills were hardly more than a paper cut.

The star, of course, is Kane Hodder. He makes Victor Crowley look properly menacing and scary and even gets to expand a tad on his acting in the few scenes as Victors's father.

This is no Shakespeare, nor does it want to be. Hatchet knows what it wants to be and the people behind it know how that's done. Good job, mates.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Elvira’s Haunted Hills 2001 ★★★

The missing link between Young Frankenstein and Scary Movie sees a crossover between Morticia Adams and The Nanny get into all sorts of shenanigans in a haunted castle.

No brilliant comedy, but good for a few laughs.

The Den 2013 ★★★

You immediately buy into the premise of the happy go lucky college girl who just seems to roll her way through life and into new adventures. So she talks/charms her way into this project about on line culture and you're happy for her when she gets the grant. Throughout all of this, the fact that Melanie Papalia is not hard on the eye does not hurt the credibility either, but it's more a case of good casting rather than just good looks.

This is one of the undeniable qualities this movie has. You sympathize with the main character, it has a number of creepy moments and the ending does manage to surprise you a time or two. Right at the moment when you think “this extra scene is redundant, we can just stop right here, right now”, the story goes a different route. Specific mention: at one point, I expected a Megan is missing-like torture scene to ensue but it somehow turned into an action movie henchmen scene without being laughable. So yes, The Den does a lot of things well.

It's not a FF classic, though. For one, you simply need too much suspension of disbelief to be immersed on that level. Not to mention the practical objections (“why didn't she just...”). And it also does not help that I spent a good chunk of this movie thinking that this could have been perfectly filmed in the “regular” or “traditional” style and that it could have been a solid low budget horror as well.

Knowing 2009 ★★

The Cagemeister and the end of the world? Sign me up.

It was well done and the disaster scenes looked pretty explicit and cool. The type of fire stunts you don't see that often in this type of blockbuster. Compare to the average Emmerich production and you'll see what I mean. And Cage does a good job, keeping the Cage spazzing and screaming to a minimum.

That said, it had a lot of the topical blockbuster tripel, a wuuuh?-finale and a sappy farewell scene.

[Tommy Jarvis]

World War Z 2013 ★★½

On a rewatch, my impressions remain largely the same.

I don't know if it was meant to be a faithfull rendition of the book and I am not sure if it matters. This is meant to be a blockbuster with Brad Pitt as the badass hero who saves the world. And on that level, it kind of works. With only small tidbits of information being dripfed in the beginning, they quickly make it clear how serious the situation is. The attacks are well done and the action scenes – like the one on the plane to Cardiff – are pretty spectacular.

Needless to say, the plotholes are pretty obvious. And convenient stuff is convenient. And Brad escapes from a lot of stuff in ways that require a lot of suspension of disbelief. Example? The zombie wall against the wall is one thing. But a country alert enough to build a wall in record time that's not noticing this shit soon enough to pull the plug on that mic and tell these people to stfu? That's a bit too much.

That said, Brad Pitt can be an action hero and he does have the charisma to deliver the cheesy pancake lines. Most of the other characters are pretty forgettable in the bigger scheme of things, but they should get their proper due. Mireille Enos – who I for some reason always mix up with Julianne Moore – does a solid job as the wife. I also liked the performance by the actor playing Thierry. Also worth mentioning are small parts for Peter Capaldi and Moritz Bleibtrau.

Recommended? Only with enough beer and a nacho hat... and if you sing Nacho Man.

Nacho nacho man! I want to be! A nacho man!

Vengeance 2: Bloodlines 2022 ★★★★

For an average movie fan with little to no prior knowledge of the Friday-series, this might not be all that great. But as a piece of fan fiction, it's a ball of fun. For a Friday-fan, this is awesome.

The makers get to go all out on the gore and they really go to the levels of Dead Snow and Hatchet. Special mentions? Too many to mention. The stop sign kill, the pick axe kill,... Just the sheer number of times people are literally torn apart. Zombie Jason at it. And I am all here for it.

Needless to say, there are plenty of nods for the fans of the original series. Like the logo imitating part 2, or the cold opening with the origin of Burlap sack Jason. Or Nikki from part 6 driving in an RV because she's on her way to a bachelor party and... Who am I kidding? Because it's awesome, simple as that.

The characters are mostly forgettable and often times just help raise the body count. With a special mention for the Dollyrots-ish garage band. They looked cool. And Jason kills someone with a guitar because of course he does. Wow, talk about a blunt instrument.

A point of criticism? Having heard CJ Graham's voice, I don't really see the need to modulate it for the voice of Elias or what it added to the scene.

But that's all nitpicking. The fun is lapping up the gory kills and scanning the scenes for subtle (or less subtle) references to the original movies. And this one has plenty of that.

So head on over to YT and check it out.

The Good People of Orphan Ridge 2023 ★★

Indie band with big dreams ends up in a haunted house where they want to record their “last hurrah”. Please make your own parallel with a similar bigger recent release.

The key word here is discount.

The band has a bit of a discount Tenacious D vibe. Especially Day has the Jack Black vibe going on.

The coffee bar scenes are discount Scott Pilgrim. A fight scene with Molly is even a bit more on the nose. Also, the girls in this movie look and sound like they were based on a hybrid on Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza.

Does that make it bad? Not... really. It has a few good and sometimes even sweet moments.

So there are things to enjoy. Just don't go in expecting too much.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Lucy’s Tale 2018 ★★★½

I love how the first half makes it look like a low budget version, only to then pull a (gradual) swerve on you.

And there's a lovely pun in ... oh, I don't want to spoil anything. Just head over to youtube and check it out. The blinder, the better.

Grace 2009 ★★½

While the idea is indeed promising, the execution leaves things to be desired.

The ending shows where things could have gone. However, it takes its sweet time to get really going and the meddling mother in law subplot was milked (no pun intended) a bit too much.

The teething line opens up possibilities for a subplot, but to use that line as a showstopper? Nah.

He’s Watching 2022 ★½

Can you make a found footage(ish) film with an artsy feel to it? Yes.

Does it work? Not really.

On the upside: They have the brother sister banter down and a few creepy moments throughout the film. In fact, one or two of the better moments look like they could go on the home videos in Sinister. And we get a good looking villain (that we hardly see, but okay).

Those just drown in scenes that go nowhere and filmschool student what-the-fuckery.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Feast 2005 ★★½

A stand off in a dive with Tremors-ish creatures out for blood. A premise that reeks of no budget until you find who's behind it. That also helps explain why they can afford people like Henry Rollins and Judah Friendlander. Heck, even Mewes gets a small part. Best of all, they're not even mentioned on the box cover.

It's exactly the type of campy, self aware romp you would expect. No character depth, but nobody's asking. A lot of kick ass action and bits of gore here and there. And the funny gimmick of introducing the characters with stats and their respective life expectancy. A movie that begs for popcorn, weed and stoner Beavis and Butthead style giggling.

Anything notworthy? We get to see Judah Friendlander without his trademark cap and Rollins is his usual intense self, going all in as an annoying and (slightly) skeevy motivational coach.

Kalley’s Last Review 2020 ★★½

A desperate beauty vlogger jumps at every opportunity. This one, in hindsight, being fatal.

And instead of going to see a real doctor when things awry, she goes through with the peeling and mucking about coconut oil. Guess those oils are essential then? Or more essential than trained medical care?

Oh well.

The Mare 2020 ★★★½

The opening of this Norwegian film probably decides how you feel about it. Either you feel that the dream in a dream in a dream-sequence is Freddy's Dead-levels of silly and decide that this is not for you. Or you stick with it and let it get to you. I did the latter.

The most commendable thing about The Mare is the eerie atmosphere that the makers managed to create in an otherwise peaceful little town. And the unreal mood inside the house. Where you don't even have to sleep to find nightmare fodder.

Which best reflects in the characters. Sure, the dad is your typical absent father. And leaving your son in a house where his (dead by suicide) mother lived, where her diary is,... That's not the best decision making either. But the grandmother is worked out well in a sense that you never really know what to think of her. Is she out to help Liam or to torture him? Is one half of this in his hallucinations and if so, which one? Or what about the grandpa? Dementia out the fucking wazoo, but keeps coming up with this line about not losing yourself.

Not to mention Liam himself. His descent into madness coincides with the movie's tone becoming more and more surreal. I don't want to spoil the ending, but suffice it to say that it's not all that roses.

A pleasant surprise, but it will not make you cheerful.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds 2008 ★★

Sloppy seconds. Well, sloppy is an apt term here.

Second star is for the last 30 minutes. At times, it seemed like the monsters were an aftertought in their own frikking movie.

Evil Dead Rise 2023 ★★★★½

The stars aligned.

When you get a premiere so big and fat that the organizers do the whole pouches thing that's normally reserved for the Chris Rocks of this world. The multiplexes have the big posters out – coming soon! – but we're getting a headstart.

Not to mention the fact that it's the type of splatstick-ish gorefest best consumed with this type of rowdy crowd.

I'm not sure what speaks more in this movie's favor:

The opening sequence being a real close shave. Or the bridge at the end. But how are they going to... Oo-ooh...

The fact that the change in setting does not distract or annoy at no point whatsoever

The fact that the producers live up to their word and move to a genuine highrise apartment building (looking at you, Critters 3)

The fact that a DJ is to blame for everything – boomer rockers with Rush-shirts be like: Thank you! That's what I've been saying! – and that the Necronomicon moved to vinyl. Also, worst... Coachella... ever.

The fact that one scene manages to at the same time deliver a message against both running with scissors and picking your nose.

The fact that it deserves a place between the first two entries.

…

A super rollercaster ride. Top-5 contender to be sure.

Jobs 2013 ★★½

Do I know enough to judge the factual aspects of this movie? No.

Do I know enough to say Ashton Kutcher has the mannerisms down? No.

You: So you don't know much then?
Me: Well, there are a few essential things that the makers don't seem to know eiher. Judging from all those close ups on Jobs while the wheels are clearly turning... shots asking you, no pushing you as a viewer to think: what IS going on inside of that big brain?

Then what do I know?

That Kutcher has the smile down.

That he succeeded in conveying a certain view on Jobs. In this movie, Jobs comes across (at least to me) as a punk with a big mouth, a short temper and just enough of everything. Just enough technical skill to do stuff. Just enough swag and bluff to talk himself in. Just enough modesty to realise when he has to bring in other people. And a bit of dumb luck at times.

Yes, they did not shy away from his douchy side. His ruthless side. But when it comes to biopics, that's usually just a way for the viewer to tell wether or not the subject was involved in the production.

As far ar as the story itself is concerned? It did three things. One: it hit all the biopic tropes with the big music at the dramatic moments. Two: It proved that it'ss difficult to keep stories on businessmen from sagging. And lastly: It kept reminding me of what Bill Burr once said on Conan: But did he? Did he... really?

Jobs. I didn't buy it.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Feast III: The Happy Finish 2009 ★★

A worthy conclusion to one of the ultimate beer, buddies and but franchises.

Sprinkled with buckets of blood and guts, a whole lot of f-bombs and other vulgarities and a few over the top wtf-moments, like a, for lack of a better word, prison rape or the death of Mini Rey Misterio.

To be watched with a lot of beer and/or other stimulants that are legal in your neck of the woods.

The Elderly 2022 ★★★★

This Spanish movie is about a lot of things. It's about body horror and who feels this fear of physical decay more than old people? It's also very vocal about other fears. One of the characters literally says: being old is frightening. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Or about family dynamics. I can imagine a few people will recognise themselves in other things, like the fear of not being accepted. Or the heatwaves. With Spain feeling a lot of the grunt of climate change, the rising temperatures are not just a storytelling metaphore, but also in my opinion mirrors a fear of dying from heat. Not enough hydration for a bit and you're a goner.

The plot centers around an old (very recent) widower moving in with his son and the wicked witch. Which is what she calls herself at one point, and seeing the applause that her death got when I saw this, you can safely assume that moniker is correct. Not that the grandfather is much better though. The spiteful remarks about “your wife doing everything better” are not exactly helping either.

The makers may claim that this is a slow burn, but it sure has plenty of moodful images and effective jump scares to tide you over. And the last twenty minutes do indeed deliver, with an unlikely rampage and an image that for some reason reminded of Village of the damned. Except that the danger here is not in the eyes, but in the hearts. Leading to a Gozerian like final with shots of dark clouds and lightning. And that last shot, dios mio. Trying not to spoil, but suffice it to say that I did not expect that. At all.

Four stars well deserved. And, needless to say, well recommended.

American Manhunt: The Boston Marathon Bombing 2023 ★★★

A three episode miniseries captures the Boston marathon bombing and the subsequent investigation and manhunt.

While it manages to convey the tragedy behind the event, the victims and their families, it's not as captivating as, say, Trainwreck.

However, it does succeed at properly showing a few other aspects, like the ensuing media circus and how certain figures claim the events for their own purposes.

For those who either want to knew more or refresh their memory. A neutral viewer has better true crime content at his disposal.

[Tommy Jarvis]

The Joneses 2009 ★★★½

Went in for a rewatch. It was pretty much what I remembered.

Stealth marketing, aka influencers before that was a thing. People using peer pressure to hock shit, taking advantage of the people who desperately want to belong with the in crowd. Even if it kills them.

The main quality is the cast. David Duchovny and Demi Moore share good chemistry, especially when they do (semi-)ironic banter. I like Duchovny and this movie reinforces my belief that he is an underrated actor.

Ben Wellington's Mick is not the deepest character, but Wellington does do a good job displaying the cynicism of the young salesman. Oh yeah, and Amber Heard is in this one, but she does not get anything real to do, except when she gets dumped by her rich boyfriend.

As a comedy, it worked for me. I got a few laughs from the back and forths between Duchovny and Moore and Jenn's sex scene where she hocks perfume is pretty funny too. Or the neighbour – a more ditsy version of Annette Benning's character in American Beauty – who desperately wants to sell stuff. It's funny to see how she gets overwhelmed by the professionals and in a way ends up riding their curtails, and even succeeding. Before she gets a very rude awakening.

Which brings us to Duchovny's Steve who then has a “solyent green is people” moment. In all fairness, I can see why they did this (probably to keep the audience from seeing it as “too dark”) and what it sets up. That said, there is a whiff of morality to it. Like we need to get the movie's lesson thrown in our face. That keeps the fourth star at bay.

Demi Moore and Kate's change of heart are perhaps a bit too Hollywood, but it does get pretty close to what reality would probably be like. Even if two important people quit and leave, it keeps rolling and the system keeps going. Even with the son saying he “does not have to lie anymore”.

She Knows 2020 ★★★

Only five minutes. No time for fucking about.

Straight to the point, good atmosphere and solid ending.

Good stuff.

Infinity Pool 2023 ★★★★

This was my first Brandon Cronenberg flick and that saying about the apple and the tree, well...

for those watching this on a tv or home cinema, computer,... There is nothing wrong with your device, the movie has indeed started. You just don't see a damn thing. Causing one patron to scream out during my viewing: “There's a cap on the projector”. And hilarity ensued.

We get a few minutes of ease before the weirdness kicks in. But when it does... Good lord. Between a ritual fed by a tomato sauce-ish goo, an oddly timed handjob by Mia Goth, a hold up scene with a hint of A clockwork orange, a drug fueled orgy,... It's not difficult to lose your grasp on relity. What's real? What's not? Who's real? Who's pretending?

A surreal experience that leaves you questioning reality when you leave the theater. And I am all here for it.

And fans can rest assured. The Cronenberg legacy is very much alive.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Renfield 2023 ★★★★½

The premise already looked promising – the Cage as Dracula – and al I can say is that it more than lived up to the expectations.

A veritable splatter fest with plenty of action and compelling fight scenes. It's all over the top, with gore that is simply amazing. All of this accompanied by a good number of laugh out loud moments.

All of this fitting like a glove for Nicolas Cage suitably hamming it up. Awkwafina is great as Rebecca and Nicolas Hoult (and his Cosby sweater) adds a bit of a Hugh Grant-stammer to his action hero.

Great entertainment. Anyone who can handle their splatter.

The Dead Ones 2020 ★

Something something about a school shooting and some kids in an abandoned school, haunted by ghosties or a gang or whatever.

Bland characters and a non captivating plot.

Carnosaur 1993 ★★★★

Carnosaur is just what you are looking for if you want some campy b-movie fun.

Between the chickens hatching killer dinosaurs or a woman giving birth to said dinosaur, this movie has the ludicrousness you want.

The kills are plenty gory (thanks to the late John Carl Buechler) and the characters are just hammy and cartoony enough to blend in perfectly. And the ending is silly and awesome at the same time. Carnosaur vs excavator, hell yeah. Rainforest schmainforest, indeed.

Special mention for Clint Howard (and his voice) and Harrison Page (forever Captain Trunk) as the sheriff. Shame they killed his character, though.

No streaming available at this point, so enjoy it on Youtube while you can.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Death and the Winemaker 2021 ★★½

An animated film with clear elements of horror. In my opinion, the fantasy elements can be reduced to the parabel/cautionary tale like nature of the story.

This is not the slick drawing style of the Pixars of this world, so I can see how to some, this might feel as an acquired taste. I had the impression it fitted the storytelling style.

The story loyally followed the parabel style. Which means: if you have heard your share of these, the trick with death and the bottle was pretty predictable, as was the late ensuing chaos and misery. I did, however, enjoy the timing and the presentation of the curse and the cross the main character has to bear. They brought that very well.

As far as I am concerned, it's not so memorable as to give it four stars or so. But it has enough demonstrable qualities to make your seventeen minutes well spent.

Terror Train 2 2022 ★

Fans: Wow, an actually solid remake to Terror Train. Good job.

Absolutely nobody: You know what? You should do a sequel to that.

Coked up studio exec: Yeah, and you should make it totes wink wink nudge nudge and self aware, with all douchebag characters who do everything except literally wink to the camera.

Makers: And every streamer is a self obsessed asshole, right?

Coked up studio exec: Totes. Self obsessed asshole streamers are tight!

Makers: Cool, let's do that. But Copperfield and the main character can be still be somewhat nice, right?

Coked up studio exec racking up: Wut? Sure. Fine. Whatever.