Im writing a book and need feedback.

[Jake.Ashworth]

So I am writing a book and need some feedback. Let me be up front, I am not an author. I have been creating a story and a location in my mind for the last five years and decided recently that I should try to build it. I started with one paragraph and then it kept coming. I am about halfway through it and was thinking I could drop a chapter at a time here and hopefully get some honest feedback. After running it through friends, I get great responses but naturally they wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. So feel free, be honest and help a fellow horror fanatic out.

Short one sentence description:
A coming of age tale of a budding serial killer told from his own perspective looking back on his childhood.

I will post the first chapter below.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Introduction

I love this feeling, the feeling of complete satisfaction as the blood pours over my knuckles from the jagged cut in his throat. It has been a long time coming and the anticipation has built to this beautiful moment. I know this is an odd place to start my story, but its one of my favorite parts. His name is Joseph and he is a handsome young man of 22. His young wife, Sarah, is on the other side of the room trying not to watch. But lets start at the beginning and work our way up to here.
I have lived in this house alone for a long time, I think my name is Michael but I haven’t heard it spoken aloud in some six years. I raised myself from the young age of thirteen. My parents passed when I was twelve and the caretaker when I was thirteen. I had a great childhood, I grew up very wealthy and could have anything I ever wanted. My father was in the oil industry and spent very little time at home, always flying from state to state. My mother on the other hand was always there, but never present. She held up in her room most of the time. She was a beautiful woman, and incredibly smart but she hated that father was always away.
I was always a little different. I went to a private school until I was eight. I had a problem keeping my hands to myself. I loved the way people’s skin felt under my fingers. At first it was just light touching, boys or girls, it was not a sexual thing. Just a quick brush against as I walked by, or an “accidental” trip and fall, lightly grazing their skin as I went down. They all thought I was so clumsy. I was fascinated with the way everyone’s skin felt different. Sometime in my eighth year, after a scuffle with another boy, I realized that when you squeeze someone’s arm tight you can feel things under the skin. You could feel their muscles move and their tendons tighten. All I wanted from that point forward was to see it, see how it all worked under there. I started to get into more fights just to get the opportunity to grab and squeeze and feel how a person’s body moved. The Dean said that I was dangerous and told my parents I was no longer welcome. I managed to convince mother and father that it was a misunderstanding, that the other kids would pick on me and I was just defending myself. They were incredibly gullible.
My father decided that I would be better off home schooled. They hired a nice live in teacher, her name was Jennifer. She was a beautiful young girl in her mid-twenties. She had long black hair, green eyes and always dressed appropriately. Her skin was so soft, not a flaw to be seen. She was the nicest person I had ever met and we got along great. Looking back, she was one of the few people I never fantasized about skinning.
Being home so much proved bad for my fantasies. I spent a lot of time daydreaming. Things took an interesting turn about three months after I started taking my lessons at home. The house is huge and a little secluded. We have an amazing forest all around us. I wasn’t good at making friends and I honestly had very little interest in trying to so I spent the majority of my free time exploring those woods. I knew them inside and out. I had built a small fort a good mile from the house in a small clearing not far from the little creek that ran through our property. It was made from logs that I had found in the woods and had a roof made of tree branches. There were no windows so it was a little dark inside, but for Christ’s sake, I wasn’t a carpenter. Inside there was little to look at. I had a table and a lantern. I hung a sign on the outside that said “Enter at your own risk”, even though I knew that nobody would ever find my little retreat. My father owned 500 acres and I was so far from the property line that I never even heard cars drive by. I spent a lot of time carving sticks into spears and playing with my Ninja Turtles out there after my lessons were through.
One spring day I had come across a rabbit on my way to the fort. It was pretty big and wiggling around on the ground. It had broken one of its back legs in what I imagined was an epic battle with a pack of coyote’s. I looked into its eye and saw incredible fear, I felt like I could see into its soul. It was screaming out for help in that look that it gave me. My first thought was to take it back to the fort and nurse it back to health. I fashioned a makeshift stretcher from sticks and carefully moved it onto it. I carried it the rest of the way to the fort with my mind racing about what I would be able to do to help it.
After about 15 minutes I arrived at my fort and walked through the small door past the sign meant to keep away any intruders. It was exactly as I had left it, Leonardo and Shredder in an endless battle. I sat the rabbit down in the middle of the room and turned on the small battery powered lantern that I had hung from one of the branches making up the roof. I moved the rabbit from the home made stretcher to the little table that I had fought to get out of the house without anyone noticing, not that they would have noticed me anyway. I stood there, just looking at it and trying to figure out what to do. I thought I could make a splint for the leg and went to gather a few small sticks. While I was outside rummaging through the brush I heard a horrible screeching sound coming from inside of my fort. I dropped everything and ran back thinking to myself that the coyotes had followed us. When I got about 20 feet from the entrance I slowed to a walk and moved very slowly and quietly, as to not alert the coyotes, up to my little shanty. I was listening to the wailing of the rabbit and for any noises the coyotes might make. Peaking slowly around the doorway, I saw the rabbit laying on the ground but no coyotes anywhere. It looked like he had tried to escape and fell off of the table. A quick jab of anger shot through my body. Why would it try to run away when I was just trying to help it? Didn’t it want to be my friend? I walked over to the rabbit and grabbed it by the broken leg yanking it up and back onto the table. It let out an incredible screech of pain that I barely heard. My vision had gone red and all I wanted to do was take this mean little creature back to the woods and let the coyotes have it. After slamming it back onto the table I noticed my hand felt a little wet and I looked down. There was a small amount of the animal’s blood on my fingers and my anger instantly melted away. I didn’t notice at the time but everything melted away. The sound of the rabbit screeching was gone, the thoughts of my lessons and gorgeous Jennifer, even the eternal struggle of good vs. evil happening between Leo and Shredder just feet away, disappeared. I felt… completely satisfied as I slowly rubbed my fingers together and felt the warm blood smear. As I watched it start to dry and turn more ruddy and sticky. It was the single greatest feeling of my life so far. It was then that I noticed, from the corner of my eye, the rabbits muscles ripple under its fur. At that moment all of my curiosity about what happens under someone’s skin came rushing back and all I could think about was how I could finally know.
I grabbed it by the ears slid the point of my pocket knife into its throat. It twitched and its back legs kicked out, but only for a second. I watched as the life drained out of its eyes and I thought I could almost hear it thanking me for putting it out of its misery. The following may have taken hours or days. I fell into a blurry, confused, daze as I tried to figure out how to take the skin off of it. After a few failed attempts at finding somewhere to start and unfortunately ruining some of its better parts, I cut a circle around its neck and wiggled my fingers under the skin. Again that feeling of ecstasy came over me. As I worked at the skin over the next few hours, enjoying every second, I took my time looking at every muscle, every tendon. I bent the joints to see how they moved, it was amazing. It was everything I had wanted and more. After a little time I looked around and realized that it had gotten dark and my lantern was starting to die. If I wasn’t at the dinner table when dinner started someone would come looking for me. It felt wrong to just leave the little thing there but I didn’t want to bury it, I wanted to keep it. I took a hammer and a couple nails from the small tool box that I keep in the fort and nailed the lifeless body to the wall by its ears. I stepped back and admired it for a moment longer, soaking in every emotion that was washing over me and loving this feeling. Just before I was about to run out the door and head home, I decided I wanted to take something with me so that I could remember this occasion. I took my pocket knife, still bloody from my day’s adventure, and cut off one of the rabbits still furry but bloody little feet. I giggle and thought to myself “My first lucky rabbits foot!”

[Jake.Ashworth]

I rushed home and snuck in through the back. I could still hear Jennifer in the kitchen making dinner so I knew I wasn’t too late. It smelled amazing, she was making a roast, Jennifer was an excellent cook. I rushed upstairs and down the hall to my bedroom. After slamming through the door into my huge bedroom I stripped down and threw the filthy clothes into the trashcan underneath my computer desk, tying the trash bag closed so that nobody would find it (Later I will burn it). My room was massive, I had a king size bed against the far wall, my own computer desk and a sitting area with a big screen TV and just about every game system you could imagine. I also had a private bathroom and shower. I took the little rabbits foot into the bathroom with me to wash it off. While the water to the shower heated up I carefully cleaned all of the blood off of the rabbits foot. I had some small rope out in the fort that I would tie around the end to make it into a necklace. I jumped in the shower to wash all of the blood off of my body, still riding the high from the day. I watched the light pink blood mix with the hot water and spiral around the drain and thought to myself “I cant believe I waited so long for that.” But the wait was worth every minute. I noticed that I was very excited and decided to touch myself. It was the first time I had reached climax in my short life and just as I was finishing, my heart pounding through my chest, I heard a pounding on the door. Jennifer called out “You’ve been in there forever kiddo! Dinner is ready.” I yelled back to her “Im sorry, I lost track of time. Ill be down in just a minute.” I hurried to finish up, get dressed and get down to the table.
We had a twenty two person dining room table that was never used for its intended purpose. When father bought the house he intended for mother to host large dinner parties and always have people over. That didn’t happen, not even once. Of course, dad wasn’t there and mom was taking dinner in her room as she did most nights. It was just me and Jennifer at the table. She served the roast and sat right next to me. She asked “How was your day buddy?” I replied with “Great!” She looked very interested and I thought that I might have painted myself into a corner and was going to have to come up with a good lie. If I kept this up, I would need to become a much better liar. She said “I didn’t know you loved my lessons that much!” with a giggle. Then asked “What did you do after you finished your school work today?” I looked at her for a second wracking my brain and said with a smile from ear to ear “Just played out in the woods, like I always do. I found a hurt rabbit and took care of him.”

********** It wouldn't let me post it all in one post, lesson learned.*********

[Jake.Ashworth]

Just so anyone reading this knows, if your interested on continuing to read what I have written I will be posting a chapter a week on this thread. Normally on Mondays.

[Jake.Ashworth]

So I figure I will go ahead and post the next chapter today before the weekend hits. I hope its going over well. It will probably take a few posts to get this chapter up so bare with me.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Chapter 1

The following four years were a rush of fun and excitement as I learned from, and grew closer to Jennifer, and developed more as a young man. I went to my lessons with Jennifer every week day for 6 hours and learned a ton about America, Mathematics, English, Spanish, and every other topic most children were learning about in their schools. I spent the evenings playing in the woods and in my fort. I continued my hands on anatomy lessons whenever I could find a participant. I had started quite a collection. I lived like most people my age where living, just slightly more secluded but I didn’t mind, I liked spending time alone and coming up with fun ways to kill the time. I also really loved all of the time I got to spend with Jennifer.
My mother continued her course of spending most days in her room alone. I didn’t hear from her much. I would occasionally go and knock on her door and ask her to come out so that I could show her the work I did in class. She would always open the door and fain interest for a few minutes before deciding that it wasn’t worth any more of her time and giving me a quick hug before closing the door and disappearing. That short hug was amazing, I loved her so much, although now I am not sure why.
I know Jennifer saw how that killed me. We spent a lot of time together, not just in class but after as well. We would sit down and watch a movie in the media room together and laugh and have a ton of fun. We would go outside and I would walk her through the woods, showing her around and naming off some of the birds that I could recognize. We spent one amazing evening having a picnic down by the creek. I knew this great spot with a huge flat rock that jutted out slightly over the creek and I thought she would love it also. We had sandwiches and listened to the water trickle by as the sun slowly went down in the distance and it began to get dark out. We talked about a lot of things, where she grew up and about her parents. We talked about upcoming movies we were both excited about and I pretended like I might want to go to the theater to see them. When it was time to head back I was very careful not to lead her to the fort, of all of the things I felt like I could tell her, I knew she wouldn’t understand the small critters nailed up to the wall of my little shack. When I was with her, I never thought about any of that. I was starting to think I may be in love with her.
One day after class was over she came into my bedroom where I was playing a new game that I ordered from the internet for my playstation. She didn’t like playing games and for some reason wasn’t a fan of me playing them, she said it rotted my mind and killed my creativity. I felt plenty creative. She said “Hey kid! Want to get some pizza and have a movie night?” I replied distracted “Yeah that sounds like fun, can it be horror movies tonight?” She got easily scared and would always sit really close when we watched them. “I guess, it is your turn to pick. Ill order the pizza and come get you when it get here.” she said looking a little nervous about the horror movies. I just nodded my head, completely absorbed in the fantasy world of the game.
I was sitting there playing when I heard a little sound behind me. I thought nothing of it, probably one of those damned cats mom keeps. Then everything went dark, I yelled out and started swinging my arms. That’s when I heard the laughing coming from behind me. It was Jennifer, she snuck up and threw a pillowcase over my head. I was furious for a split second and then fell on the floor laughing uncontrollably. I yelled out “That was a good one! I cant believe you snuck up on me and I didn’t hear you!” Between gasps for air Jennifer said “It was easy, HAHAHA, when you play, HEHEHE, you are completely oblivious.” She came around to help me up off of the floor. After I was up and steady on my feet, she gave me a tight hug. Being ten, and she being 26, she was a little bit taller than me. My head rest comfortably between her breasts. I knew she did it on purpose. I could smell her sweet perfume and imagine what they would look like without all those clothes covering them. I was suddenly and for only a split second lost inside my head. I could feel the soft skin touching my cheek as I sucked one of her perfect little nipples into my mouth. Then I rushed back out of the daydream as fast as I had fallen into it. She pushed me back by my shoulders and said “The pizza is here. Lets go grub down and start a movie. Did you pick something good?” I said “Yeah I have a couple of movies I have been wanting to see.” With that we headed downstairs.
She went into the kitchen to put the pizza on plates and I headed into the media room to start the movie. I tried to pick the scariest, goriest movies I could find hoping that it would get her as close as possible to me. I put in House of a Thousand Corpses, a Rob Zombie movie that I hadn’t had a chance to watch yet. Jennifer came in with drinks and one of the pizza boxes “I thought we could rough it tonight.” she giggled as she sat down the box. I started the movie, and she sat down on the other side of the couch. She watched intently and I watched her out of the side of my vision. I could see in her body that she was tense and starting to get a bit scared. We ate the pizza and watched the movie. For some reason she liked to talk while we watched movies even though she knew that I hated it. She said “Are you excited about your birthday?” I was turning ten next month but wasn’t excited at all. Birthdays were never very exciting for me. I answered “SHHH, this movie so great.” Redirecting the best I could.

[Jake.Ashworth]

When the teens went into the Murder Ride at Captain Spaulding’s she moved the pizza box from between us to the table and scooted over to the cushion next to mine. The movie was really good so far. The teens lose a tire driving through the rain and Jennifer started biting her lip nervously. My heart was racing in anticipation, hoping she would scoot all the way over and lean against me. After we are introduced to the family and they have a little goofy performance the teens are given back their car and are allowed to leave. Then just as they are about to drive away Tiny, the deformed and ironically huge brother, steps in front of them and the family attacks. As soon as that happened Jennifer moved the rest of the way over and put her arm around me. My plan worked perfectly. As the movie went on I could feel her muscles tense up every time she anticipated something about to happen. I could feel the little jumps at the scary parts. She whispered “Why do you like these horrible movies?” I said “No reason, they are just fun.” But I knew exactly why I enjoyed them.
The end of the movie came with a flourish of activity after the last remaining teenager meets Dr. Satan and runs away. She thinks she escaped, but we all know better. By this time it was about eleven o’clock at night and Jennifer had fallen asleep some twenty minutes ago. She had her head on my shoulder and I was just sitting there as the credits ran enjoying it. Out of my peripheral I could see just the top of her cleavage from above her pajama top. I shook her a little and said “Wake up sleepy.” She mumbled a little and opened her eyes. She looked at me and said “Oh my God Michael, I am so sorry for falling asleep. Its been such a long day.” I said “No worries, go up to bed and get some rest, I will clean up down here.” It also gave me time to hide my excitement without her seeing it. She thanked me and headed up stairs, I turned everything off and picked up.
After everything was cleaned up I headed up to bed. I was walking down the long hall that led to my room. I had to walk by hers to get there. As I did I heard water running and realized it was the shower in the bathroom that attached her bedroom to the guest bedroom next to it. I had a brief image run across my mind of her completely naked and covered in bubbles from her soap. Her skin glistening with water. I decided I would sneak into the guest bedroom and see if she had left the door cracked. I slid inside and tiptoed past the small bed and dresser that occupied the small guest room. I noticed the door was cracked just a hair, “Thank God!” I gasped under my breath. I snuck very carefully up to the door and peaked through, I could still hear the water running and had a very limited view of the shower. I couldn’t see anything, I was pretty upset but then I thought she has to get out of the shower eventually. So I waited impatiently, feeling myself become more excited by the minute.
I heard the water turn off and got really excited and amazingly nervous. The excitement was enough for me to ignore the fear. The curtain slid aside and I saw her hand come out from the shower. She fumbled around for a moment and grabbed her towel. Then she emerged with the towel wrapped around her body. I was beginning to get a little discouraged, but I couldn’t stop watching. She took her contacts out and dried her hair with a hair dryer. I watched hoping she would make a mistake and drop the towel or decide to get dressed in the bathroom and I could finally see what I have been waiting to see for the last few years.
I watched in amazement as the towel finally fell from around her. She was glorious. I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I watched her body moved. For a split second red flashed through my vision and I heard a voice in my head say “Imagine what her blood feels like.” But then it was gone. She wasn’t getting dressed either. I started to touch myself as I watched her move around her room, first to the mirror to look herself over. She squeezed some of the skin around her waist and made a face in the mirror. I’m not sure what she was looking at, but it didn’t matter. She then did something very unexpected. She climbed into bed and under the covers without getting dressed. I could hear her wiggling around and I could hear moans coming from her bed. I thought I knew what she was doing and that made me lose it. Her bed was just out of view. I was all at once tempted to just rush in and jump into bed with her. But after it settled in that the show was over for the night, I retreated to my bedroom and my computer to finish what I had started. By midnight I was exhausted and in bed, images of the day pouring back through my mind as I slipped away into sleep.
From then forward I did everything I could to sneak peeks. I think she knew that I was looking and that little minx kept trying to make it hard for me not to. She would bend over at my desk making it impossible not to look down her shirt. She would drop things just so that she had to pick them up. I couldn’t believe it, she was teasing me. I went out of my way to compliment her, and let her know how I felt without actually saying it. All of the teasing made me want more, I wanted to see what I had missed that night. I had a brilliant idea to drill a small hole in her wall near her bed but hidden behind a small plant that she kept in the corner. When she was away at the store one day, knowing that my mother was definitely not coming out the rest of the day, I went up to the storage closet next to Jennifer’s room. Using a small drill that I normally kept out at the fort for other purposes, I drilled a hole just big enough that when I would stick my eye all the way up against it, I could just see her bed. I went into her room to make sure that you couldn’t see it from anywhere in her room. Always unlocked, she was so trusting. It was perfect, you couldn’t tell it was there at all, even if you moved the plant you could barely see it and it could easily pass as a nail hole. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her clothes basket, and crumpled up inside I saw a small pair of thong underwear. I went over and struggled with myself, but eventually decided that I should take them. After that day, I used the hole at every opportunity, although I only got to see her playing one other time, most nights I was content to watch her sleep and imagine how one day we would be together. During the day I did everything I could to get closer to Jennifer. I tried to make her feel special and I tried to let her into my world little by little.
The following month snuck up on me and I had forgotten all about my birthday. I was so caught up in all of my extracurricular activities. Jennifer held me after my lessons to talk to me about my approaching birthday, I gladly stayed to talk to her. She said “So, this year I am going to do something special for your birthday.” I imagined touching her skin, that would be very special. I said “Ok, go on?” She replied “Im going to throw you a party, I will be inviting your old friends from school and… Your father agreed to come.” I got so excited. I didn’t really know him, but this could be the part of my life that he starts making an effort. I felt myself smile, I wasn’t excited about the kids from that god awful school but just the idea of father.
“Well, that settles it, go on I have planning to do.” I ran out of the room feeling very good about things and went straight to my room to play games. I hadn’t seen father sense he removed me from school and set up Jennifer as my teacher. He was a mystery to me, I knew he was in the oil business but I didn’t even really know what he did. I had these big dreams of him in other countries telling people what to do and making huge decisions. I settled into my couch to play and dwell on the possibilities.

[Jake.Ashworth]

The week slid by and the day came. I got up and got cleaned up in the shower, put on my best clothes and some nice cologne and prepped myself. It was going to be a long day and I was going to have to be social which wasn’t really my strong suit, but father was going to be here and maybe some people I knew from school. I went downstairs and found Jennifer sitting in the kitchen with breakfast waiting for me. “What time are we doing this thing?” I asked. She said “Well the party starts at noon.”
I tossed my food down my throat as quick as I could and went to walk through the house. The media room was all set up for a party. Streamers and a small disco ball. It looked great, I loved that girl, she really knew how to take care of me. I sat down and looked at the clock, 10 am, two hours. I hate waiting, every minute feels like ten. My mind wondered and I pictured a room full of people I used to know dancing and smiling. I pictured Jennifer bringing in snacks and then my father walking through the door with a huge present and a big smile on his face. This was going to be the best day. I sat and waited.
The hours passed as I sat there and imagined the perfect party, I hadn’t even realized that it was one in the afternoon and there was still nobody there. I glanced toward the clock and saw the time, I remember thinking to myself “Well people are always a little late.” I sat there on the couch, party decorations surrounding me, music on quietly in the background, and day dreamed about my perfect party.
Jennifer came into the room with a piece of birthday cake. I looked up at her and I know she saw the hurt in my eyes because she sat down next to me and hugged me hard. She said “Its ok Michael, I love you and your mother will be out soon, your father should be here soon too I think. Im sorry none of your friends came.” I smiled and held back my tears. She handed me the piece of cake and watched on as I ate it. I heard her take a deep breath and say “I have to go in the kitchen, I have things in the oven. You can go upstairs and I will call you down when your father gets here.” “Ill just stay here and wait.” I looked down at my shoes and she got up and left. I really didn’t feel like talking. There was a pain in my chest that made me feel a lot of things at once and I hated it.
I heard the doorbell ring through the house. I instantly thought to myself “That’s him! Father is here!” not even considering that it’s his house and he probably wouldn’t ring the doorbell. I sat there patiently waiting for him to walk into the room and make everything better. I sat and I sat, why is it taking so long? Just then Jennifer walked in holding a long box wrapped neatly and a card. She looked at me and said “I’m sorry Michael, I tried…” She handed me the card and sat the box down next to me on the couch. I read the front of it, it just said, From Dad. I felt the damn break and the tears stream down my cheeks. I watched the tears drip off onto the envelope and stain the paper. I opened it and took out a very generic looking letter. On the front it read “Happy Birthday” with a picture of a dog blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Inside typed in a nice font it said “I wish you the best on your birthday.” And then at the bottom was fathers name, but it was signed in printed ink. I flipped over the card and it said it was from Amazon on the back. He didn’t even buy it and mail it, he just purchased it and whatever that box is on Amazon and had it shipped here.
As the tears poured down my face anger and hatred flowed through my veins, I could feel myself locking this away. This was the kind of thing I got from him every year, but this year was supposed to be different. He told Jennifer he would be here. This year was when he was supposed to come back and tell me he loved me and wrap his arms around me. I balled uncontrollably, I didn’t even notice Jennifer was still standing there. She had tears in her eyes but was doing a good job of holding it together. I sat the card down and took a deep breath, I said “Jennifer, I think I am done for the day, tell mother that I went to bed early if she comes out. Oh and I am done with these attempts at parties. I think I have outgrown them.” “What about your dinner?” She replied, I wasn’t hungry at all, but I didn’t want to hurt Jennifer’s feelings. “Can you please bring it up to my room?” I said in a quiet voice. She said “Of course, go ahead.” I got up and went upstairs, feeling incredibly defeated.
I laid down on my bed and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I heard a voice tell me, “It doesn’t matter, you don’t need to worry about him.” I stopped crying and listened, I think I heard a voice in my head but it didn’t sound like me. Then I heard it again, and clearer “Don’t worry about that ass, he will get what’s coming to him. You just need to concentrate on Jennifer and your mom.” I felt the tears dry up and suddenly a calm came over me. My mind cleared and I realized the voice, myself, whatever it was was completely correct. I didn’t know him, I didn’t know anything about him. Why do I care if he shows up? His only use is to pay the bills and keep me in this beautiful house.
There was a knock at the door, I ignored it for a second waiting for Jennifer to walk away. After I heard her footsteps walk away from the door, I opened it and saw my dinner on a tray and the present that he had sent. I picked up the tray and sat it on the computer desk. Then grabbed the present. Closing the door behind me I ran my fingers over the wrapping paper. My pinky caught the edge of one of the ridges and I felt a sharp pain shoot up my finger. “Damn” I shouted. Paper cut. I grabbed the edge of the paper and ripped it open trying to ignore the huge amount of pain from the tiny cut. “Well, at least the guy got a good present.” I looked on thinking of the potential as I revealed a long Daisy Pellet Gun from inside of the wrapping paper. I could use this I think.
Feeling slightly more cheerful I unboxed the gun and played with it a bit, it was easy enough to use and it came with a box of two hundred pellets that should last me a little while. I was feeling anxious to use it, but it was evening and getting dark outside. I decided to put it away and save it for another day, maybe this weekend. I grabbed the tray of food and polished off my dinner. After the great meal I sat the tray outside of the door and headed for bed.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Alright, time for the next chapter. It will be posted below.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Chapter 2

Then came a huge blow. It sent shock waves through my house that caused unbelievable damage and set off a chain of events that would eventually bring us to where we are today. I was outside just in front of the house practicing my aim with the pellet gun that I had received from father for my birthday and he had shipped to me. I set up cans and bottles along the small white fence that bordered the front yard. I had never shot before so it was taking some getting used to. After a couple of boxes of pellets I was really starting to get good at it though. I was picking the cans off of the fence without hesitation, I think I am a natural. Just then a crow fluttered down out of a tree and landed on the fence. I instantly moved my aim from the soda bottle that I was currently concentrating on and zeroed in on the bird. It looked directly at me and cawed just as I lightly squeezed the trigger. I learned a little about pellets that day. I wasn’t sure that I had hit the bird, at first it didn’t move at all. Then the bird’s wings shot out and it started into the air. I thought shocked “I missed, it’s going to fly away.” It beat its wings hard and flew about three feet into the air before its wings gave in and it fell back to the ground. I could see it flipping around trying to get back to its feet. The pellet was true, it struck right in the middle of its chest where I was aiming. I felt incredibly proud as I strolled over to the little guy. It wasn’t making any noise but it was moving around a lot and I was worried that Jennifer would come out and see it. A few feet away there was a big tree that I used to climb when I was younger. Under it was a lot of landscaping rocks. I went and got one of the biggest ones that I could find. I thought about slamming it down onto the bird and hopefully killing it and effectively hiding it at the same time. But I really wanted to watch it die. I sat the rock on top of the bird slowly and gently making sure that I didn’t cover its head. It squirmed and wiggled for a little while, it was incredibly resilient but it finally gave in to the weight and I just sat and watched as its life dwindled out.
Feeling really good and really enjoying my Saturday I strolled back into the house and plopped down at the bar in the kitchen. Yet another room that was set up for entertaining but had basically become just another room for me to watch Jennifer gracefully move around. She was truly at home in the kitchen. She loved to cook and made some of the most incredible meals. Today when I came in from outside she was standing on the other side of the bar holding her phone to her ear and listening to something very intently. I could see a terrible look of worry on her face and tears in her eyes. I suddenly became very nervous. Something was wrong. She asked “Are you sure?” Then “I see, ok I will pass the word along.” She hung up the phone and looked at me. She was speechless for a few minutes and then walked around the counter and hugged me tight. I was starting to get really worried and I pushed her back and asked “What happened?” In as adult and strong of a voice as I had at the time. She said “I am so sorry Michael, but your father is dead.”
I heard the words, and I forced myself to tear up and start to cry. But I felt nothing, I didn’t care. I cried and held onto Jennifer, most importantly she held onto me. I put on the appropriate show, the whole time just wanting to get something to eat. I didn’t really know my father, he hadn’t been home in months and even then he came in late at night and by morning was gone again. I asked Jennifer “How did it happen?” She told me “All they told me was there was a fire at one of the sites and he didn’t get out on time.” I didn’t want to tell mom or be anywhere around when Jennifer told her. Even though his death didn’t affect me, it was going to crush mom and I couldn’t handle that. I hated to see her upset. I asked quietly “Can you tell mother? I need some time alone and I don’t think I can handle watching her cry.” She said “Of course, anything you need.” I smiled at her and headed up to my room, stopping to grab a apple off of the counter, I was starving.
I walked into my room and stood there in the silence thinking about what had just happened. I took a bite out of my apple and decided to see if I could find anything about the fire online. I sat down at my computer desk and pulled up Google. I typed into the search bar my father’s name, “Steven Joseph Scarborough” The first few results were just his Facebook profile and his LinkedIn profile. I clicked on the Facebook profile and waited for the page to load. There he was, a big smile on his face and for a split second I thought to myself that I wished I had known him. I started clicking through the posts and pictures and began to get angry. I saw pictures of a smiling man in a Hawaiian shirt standing on a beach. I saw pictures of a smiling man on the edge of a cliff that it looked like he had just climbed. That mother fucker was out living his life and loving it without us. He was happy not being here with us. I hated him. I could feel my skin turning red and my vision began to haze over but with a couple of deep breaths I brought myself back down. I tucked away the pain and clicked back and away from his Facebook and his happy life without us and found a news article dated for the day before. It read “HUGE FIRE AT OIL REFINERY 12 DEAD” I clicked on the headline and read through the article. There was my father’s name, among the list of the deceased. It was surreal to read more about my father in that article than I had ever known about him in person. And with that, I checked out. I was done, I didn’t want to know any more about him or the life that he led.
I turned off my computer and threw the apple core into the trash can. It was approaching dinner time and I wasn’t sure how that was going to play out tonight. I got up and went into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and practiced a few sad puppy dog faces. I found one that said “I’m very sad and depressed and I am not sure what to do with myself.” It was perfect. I headed downstairs. It was very quiet in the house and I wasn’t sure what to expect as I walked into the dining room. I came around the corner and was a little shocked to see my mother sitting at the head of the table. She had a tissue in one hand. Jennifer was sitting to her left and my plate was set to her right. I got control of myself and went over to the table. I said “Hi” to my mother and kissed her gently on the cheek. She flashed a quick unimpressive smile at me. I sat down, pulled my chair in, and waited quietly for something to happen. Mother said “What are you waiting for you two, eat up.” And with that I started eating. There were no words exchanged during dinner, mostly because none of us knew what to say. When we were finished Jennifer cleaned up the dishes and I sat with Mother. She looked at me and said “He really loved you.” I mumbled “Yeah, I bet.” She looked offended but at the same time understanding. She spent the next 20 minutes crying softly and trying to explain his absence to me. I agreed and made my pre-selected sad face just to make her feel better. Then she kissed me on the forehead and told me she loved me. She got up and I watched her retreat to her room in tears. It broke my heart to watch her cry.
Jennifer brought desert out for the three of us, but after noticing that Mother had already left, me and her ate ours and split Mothers. She tried to console me some more and I put my sad face back on hoping for a hug and maybe even a kiss. We talked about what I remembered of my Father, about how even if he wasn’t home for Christmas or my birthday, there were always presents to be had. About how things were before he bought this property and how I think there was a time when we used to play together. It was interesting to me, as I looked back and realized that no matter how much he had done for me I never felt like he loved me. I never felt like he even cared that I existed. And with all of that said, I still don’t miss him.