Im writing a book and need feedback.

[Jake.Ashworth]

When I walked out of the woods and into the clearing I could tell there was very little smoke coming out of the pit anymore. I walked through the knee high grass over to the pit half expecting the demon I saw jump into the pit earlier jump back out. The heat shooting up out of the pit was almost unbearable. I looked over the edge as long as I could and said a lot of ash and a few tree limbs still burning. There was short flames dancing across the surface of the ash, but little sign of anything else. In the corner of the ash pile I saw the top half of Edith’s skull sticking out.
“Perfect” I thought. I planned on letting it burn itself out and then filling it in. Then I would have to dig another one for Pedro. I should be exhausted but I was completely full of energy. I left the pit to burn out and went back into the woods. For the walk back I day dreamed of a large cinder block room with chains and tools hanging from the walls. Somewhere I could really concentrate on inflicting great pain. The walk was quick while my mind was somewhere else.
I broke back through the shaded barrier of the trees and noticed that I couldn’t hear Pedro. This time I was going to break him. I ran into the house and grabbed the little digital recorder that Jennifer had kept in the desk in the study. I thought about rewinding it and playing it just to her voice again, but shook the thought. I have work to do, and tonight I will get to relax and enjoy some quality time with Sarah. I didn’t need Jennifer.
Back outside I walked down to the shed. I tested the recorder during the walk to make sure it worked well and was clear. I would record over whatever was on it with Pedros voice. I pushed the door open and there was Pedro, lying on his side, arms and legs still bound together. His eyes moved away from me, like he could just ignore me away. I walked over to him and said “You will make a recording for me, exactly as I say. If not, I have your ID and I will go to your house and slaughter your wife and children and anyone else who gets in my way.” He started crying and sobbing. It was pathetic and it made me smile. I reached out to his cheek with my hand and wiped the tears from his face. Then I licked the salty wetness from my finger. I heard him say “Your loco…” under his breath. I laughed hard. I asked “Pedro, are you going to make the recording?” He nodded.
I took the little recorder out of my pocket and told him “You’ll repeat after me, word for word. I need it to sound real.” I hit record and said “Tell your wife that you have decided to leave her.” He said in a thick Puerto Rican accent “Hey Mama, I need to tell you I am leaving.” I said “Tell her she can keep the kids and what’s in the bank, you are going out west to get away.” He began “I’m going out west to get away from everything. You can keep everything we have and tell the boys I love them.” Now say “This will be the last time you hear from me.” I held the recorder back out to him “You won’t hear from me again, Im so sorry, I love you.” By this time he was balling but I think it sounded more real that way. I said “Good job Pedro, now you just rest here for a while.” I got up and left the shed feeling great about how well that went.
The plan was to run it through my computer and edit my voice out of it to make it sound more natural. I went up to my room and sat at the computer. I pulled up a small web browser and clicked through to the site to see if Sarah was on. I sent her a message and within two seconds I got back “Master!!!!” She is there. I sent her a quick response. “Tonight we need to talk about something serious, but I have some work to do right now. I will meet you back on here at 10.” She replied simply “Yes Master.”
I hooked the recorder up to the computer and uploaded the file. It didn’t take long at all to clip out the chunks with my voice in it and clean up the edges so that it came out smoothly. What I ended up with sounded something like this “Hey Mama, I need to tell you I am leaving. Im going out west to get away from everything. You can keep everything we have and tell the boys I love them. You won’t hear from me again, I’m so sorry, I love you.” It came out perfect. I saved the file on the computer and found his wife’s number in the cell phone.
I took a deep breath and hit the call button. It rang about five times and a voicemail picked up. It read the number back and said to leave a message after the beep. I held the phone up the the computer speakers and as soon as the phone beeped, I hit play. After everything was said I hung the phone up and sat back in the chair. That should fix the family, but Im sure the cops would come buzzing around eventually. She had to know this was the only place that he was supposed to work at today and his truck is sitting right out front in the driveway.
Searching through the drawers of my computer desk I found what I was looking for. The card from the limo driver was sitting at the bottom of one of the drawers under piles of paper and notes I had written. I picked up the phone on my desk and called him, it rang a couple times and he picked up “Blackstar services” I said “This is Michael, we met a couple years ago at my father’s funeral, do you remember me.” He said “Yes sir, in need of a discrete driver?” a smile stretched across my face “Yes, I need you to take a cab out to my house, I will text you the address. I need to make this extra clear, this is strictly confidential.” He said “Yes sir, not a word to anyone.” I replied “Thank you, I will see you soon, I will pay you when you get here.” I hung up the phone and quickly texted him the address.
I went down to the library and to the small safe that was kept behind one of the book cases. Mother had told me the combination years ago. She said “This is only for emergencies, there should be plenty in here if you ever need it.” I swung the safe open and reached in feeling around for the stack of bills. There was $10,000 in hundred dollar bills tucked away in the safe. I slipped out a thousand of it and returned the rest to the safe. The door swung back shut with a loud thunk. I moved the bookshelf back into place, it was on a couple of big rollers and glided across the hard wood floor of the library smoothly.

[Jake.Ashworth]

I took the money and the keys and went to the front door. I stared out the window and waited to see the taxi pull up. It took about another 30 minutes to get here. I saw the headlights pulling up the drive somewhere around 730. The sun had set and the cool of the spring evening had blown in. I watched as he stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. I pulled it open and greeted him with an outstretched hand.
He stepped inside and I told him “We don’t have time for chit chat, I need you to take that truck down to the ghetto and get out. Leave the keys in the seat and the door open. Then just walk away and call another cab. Have that cab take you home and forget about this.” He said “Whatever you say.” I handed him the keys and the small bundle of hundred dollar bills. He flipped through and I saw his eye brows raise. He said “Wow, thank you boss.” I said “Don’t worry about it, you help me and I’ll help you.” He nodded and I walked him back through the still open front door.
I watched as he walked up to the truck, opened the door and climbed inside. It turned over with a steady growl. Pedro must have heard because he started screaming for help. The driver didn’t even bat an eye and turned the big truck around. I watched the tail lights fade into the darkness as he drove down the drive. Pedro stopped screaming as the sound of the engine faded away. I retreated into the house for a quiet dinner and an evening watching Hellraiser and talking to Sarah.
The second Hellraiser was as good as it always is. I ate popcorn and watched it curled up on the couch. I love those Cenobites. After the movie it was about 9:30 and I started upstairs to settle in to a nice long conversation with Sarah. I was going to explain to her my plan, and start teaching her to really obey.
My room was a little chilly so I kicked on the small portable heater next to my desk. I flipped the TV on and switched it to a good low budget horror flick. Background noise is nice. I sat down at the computer and flipped on the monitor. The screen flickered and came on. I clicked the little window that was open to the S&M site that I frequented and maximized it. I flipped through some of the more recent stories. It all seemed a little bit bland after the recent events. Just the same old bondage and snuff fetish stuff. I pulled up my messenger at exactly 10:00 and typed “Sarah” again almost as soon as I hit the send button I got a reply “Yes Master, I have missed you so much.” I typed my reply “We have much to discuss and hopefully you will understand what I have to say.” Sarah replied “I will listen and I will understand, will we play after?” I answered “I’m not sure, it depends on my mood and my mood depends on you.” She said “I’ll listen and I will do anything.” We’ll see about that I thought to myself.
I typed “Sarah, I want you to understand that my world is complicated and it’s going to be hard to accept. If you do, I want to let you in deeper. If you do not, we will part ways and you have to go on quietly or risk repercussions.” There was a pause, and then her response “Master, I would do anything to get closer to you. Tell me anything and it stops here.” I replied “Very well.”
“First thing, I am younger than you thought. That said I am not willing to tell you my age right now.” She said “I understand.” I replied “I have started something great here on my property and I think big things are in my future. I have reason to believe that I will become very powerful when I get a bit older.” She replied “I understand my Master.” I said “I want to ask you, do you trust me?” She said “Yes” I replied quickly “Without any doubt, are you ready to be at my side?” There was some hesitation, then “Yes Master, I want nothing more than to please you.”
That’s the response I was looking for. I asked her “How is your relationship with your boyfriend?” She answered “Things could be better, he found my cuts from the last time we played. He doesn’t understand the way you do.” I replied to her “He doesn’t need to, you won’t be doing it again for a while. I need you to do everything in your power to please him and keep him around.” She answered “Why Master? I don’t think I want to be with him anymore, I want to be with you.” I replied a little exasperated “Listen to me, we need him and when you come here he will come with you.” She sent back “Oh, Ok, I understand now Master. Im sorry I questioned you.”
This seemed to be going well. I sent her another message “I live alone in Massachusetts in a huge house in the middle of the woods. My mother once lived here but she has passed away.” She replied “Do you own the house?” I said “I do, and all of the property around it. So far that no one can hear screams.” She replied thinking I was talking sexually “Oh yeah, would you make me scream?” I jumped at her “We are not doing this now Sarah, I need you to be absolutely obedient. We won’t meet for some time still, but when we do youll hopefully understand.” She replied like a scolded puppy “I’m so sorry Master, I really want you. I want the relief you give me.” I said “We can’t do that, your boyfriend needs to know you are completely dedicated to him. He needs to love you.” She replied “Yes Master. I will be extra good and I will bring him to you.” I said “When you do, will you give him to me? Will you let me do whatever I please with him? Will you watch?” I could hear the excitement as I read her reply “I will Master, I will be right by your side and I will be the happiest girl in the world.” I said “Good girl, now go take care of your man, and think about me while you do.” Her last response was simply “Yes Master.”
Talking to her without getting to see her bleed was difficult but I had to restrain myself. I had a lot of work ahead of me over the next couple of years. I was building a plan in my mind. I needed to take care of Pedro within the next few days, but long term I needed to build that building I saw in my vision. I needed somewhere better than the fort and the shed to play. I also felt like I needed to absorb as much knowledge as I can. I was going to be very powerful and the powerful are normally well educated. But tonight, I needed to sleep. I got up and walked to the window. Looking out into the darkness I could see hundreds of little red eyes looking back at me from the branches of the dark forest. They watch me all the time now, they want more blood. I will feed them, I will satisfy their thirst and in return they will give me the power I am destined to hold.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Well, Brothers, Sisters, friends that I have made on this forum. I have gone and Amazon published this thing. No pressure, I understand if your not interested. Mind you it may vary from what is here, I have re read and changed some things sense I started posting here. I will put the link below, its selling for $2.99. I will continue to post the chapters here and as I promised it will all be here for free. But if you would like to support my first attempt it would be greatly appreciated. Plus reviews on Amazon help, so yeah, thank you to those who have been following on here and those who decide to follow the link and help a brother out. I wish you all the best.

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kille...oming+a+killer