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Old 05-02-2006, 02:23 AM
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bwind22 bwind22 is offline
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Feedback Request for a Script Im Writing

Okay, so here's the deal...

I'm just started working on a script. I've got the characters, plot, & scenes outlined and I just began wokring on my 1st draft of the script. So far I've only written the opening scene, but I thought I'd post it just to see what kind of feedback it gets. Please, be brutally honest. If you think it's a piece of shit, then tell me that (and maybe also why you think so, so I can improve on it.)

Anyways, like I said it's just the 1st rough draft so it's not formatted right and there are director & cameramen notes included in parentheses which more than likely won't be appearing in the final version, so please try to overlook those sort of technicalities if you can.


Here it is... Would this scene be something that would catch your attention enough in the first couple minutes for you to have enough interest to want to keep watching? Be honest....

(Just a little set up. Clay & Mary are the parents of Nathan, who is an 8 year old kid. This scene takes place in 1992.)




SCENE 1 - Interior, home. 1992

(Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.)

CLAY - I'm the one that puts the food on the fuckin' table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? Haven't I always given you everything you've wanted? What more do you want from me?

MARY - You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!

CLAY - There aint any out there! How many times do I gotta tell ya!

MARY - Oh, well... I guess you should just give up then! I guess Nathan and I will just go live in a cardboard fuckin' box somewhere because you're TOO FUCKIN LAZY to get off your ass and get a damn job so you can provide for you own family!

CLAY - Fuck you bitch! I dont have to listen to this shit! I'm goin down to Ernies!

MARY - Yeah, of course you are! Go get drunk like you always do you fuckin loser!

CLAY - Fuck you.

(Clay exits out the front door, slamming it behind him as Mary immediately breaks into tears and runs up to the bedroom, leaving Nathan to watch his Friday the 13th on his own.)

-Fade out/Fade back in approx 90 minutes later.-

(Natahn is still laying on the floor watching his movie when Clay comes home drunk and pissed.)

CLAY - Nate how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your fuckin toys?!

(Nathan looks around but the only toy out is the Jason Voorhies figure he's playing with while watching the movie.)

NATHAN (scared) - I, I did, Dad.

(Out of nowhere, Clay smacks Nathan in the head.)

CLAY - Dont you fuckin talk back to me boy!

(Mary has re-entered the room now.)

MARY - You leave him alone!

CLAY - Yeah... Alright. This is all your fault anyways!

MARY - My fault? How-

(Clay smacks her in the face before she can finish speaking.)

CLAY - Dont YOU fuckin talk back to me either! Now I know where he gets it from!

MARY - You asshole!

(Mary throws a vase at Clay, but it misses and smashes against the wall next to him. This prompts him to attack and he aggressively beats the shit out of her for a minute, all the while Nathan stares at the tv. After he stops pummelling her, she's swollen and bruised and sobbing. Clay has no sympathy...)

CLAY - Dont you EVER raise your voice to me again, you understand me woman?

MARY (Trembling) - I, I... Clay, I'm leaving you! I want a divorce!

(Clay's eyes show rage as he silently turns and leaves the room. Mary continues sobbing. A moment later Clay returns with shotgun which he points at Mary...)

CLAY - You wanna leave me? Here's your fuckin divorce bitch.

(Mary puts her hands out and screams for mercy.)

BANG!

(Mary falls to the floor dead.)

CLAY (to Mary) - Til Death do us part...

(Clay then looks at Nathan, who is now watching in stunned silence...)

CLAY - What the fuck are you lookin at?

(Clay then turns the shotgun on himself...)

BANG!

(As the second shot is heard, the camera pans down to the blood pooling on the floor next to Clay {Mary is partially in the shot as well.} Nathan approaches his mom's body and speaks to it softly...)

NATHAN - Mommy? Mom?

(Nathan then turns and runs away as the credits begin to roll over the pool of blood.)

END SCENE

Last edited by bwind22; 05-02-2006 at 07:32 AM.
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Old 05-02-2006, 04:31 AM
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umm ... is the kid going to be the killer or somthing? and credits do you mean the opening credits like in all the halloween movies? ok yea.
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Old 05-02-2006, 06:48 AM
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bwind22 bwind22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by vmr128
umm ... is the kid going to be the killer or somthing? and credits do you mean the opening credits like in all the halloween movies? ok yea.
Actually, yes, the kid becomes the killer of the story.

And by credits, I mean the opening credits that are at the start of every movie. You know. Production company, actor names, director, etc. The opening credits.

P.S. Thanks for reading.
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:14 AM
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I liked it - could be decent if the actor's are believable - my only thought is that instead of the kid suddenly getting up and showing feeling for his mother - it would be even cooler if he just turned, looked at the two bodies, and then turned back to the tv screen - you could even have a cool close up of his blank face with the tv light flickering on it and the sounds of the F13th finale. . . just a thought
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:20 AM
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Angelakillsluts Angelakillsluts is offline
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...

In my opinion...

I think there is way too much swearing to the point where that would draw attention away from the movie and make it look amateurish.
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:24 AM
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bwind22 bwind22 is offline
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That's a cool idea. Thanks!


I'm not 100% sure it'll gel with the character he becomes later on in the film once he reaches current day, but I'll definately keep it in mind.

Could always film it both ways and see which one I like better once the film is finished too I suppose. Either way, thanks again for the feedback. It's greatly appreciated.
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:30 AM
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bwind22 bwind22 is offline
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Re: ...

Quote:
Originally posted by Angelakillsluts
In my opinion...

I think there is way too much swearing to the point where that would draw attention away from the movie and make it look amateurish.
Hmm... Well, they are in a pretty heated fight the entire scene. I don't think there will be that much through out the film, but I appreciate your comment about it being taken amateur and I agree completely. (That's why this is only the 1st rough draft. ;) ) I'll probably scale it back (at least from the mother), but it couldn't be eliminated completely. I mean, this whole fight is shortly before she decides she wants to leave him and he decides to kill her. It's pretty heated.

But thank you very much for taking time the time to check it out and share your opinion. I appreciate it.



And Zero, I forgot to mention about the actors being able to pull it off... That might be easier said than done as this film will be shot on virtually NO budget and I can't afford to pay anyone who actually has skill. hahah...
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:35 AM
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I liked the beginning, but it felt completely rushed in second part as if there was no purpose to it other than swearing and gore.
Besides, I already did the "family man goes nuts and takes down the family" scenario in a film LOL
CK
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:42 AM
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Angelakillsluts Angelakillsluts is offline
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Re: Re: ...

Quote:
Originally posted by bwind22
Hmm... Well, they are in a pretty heated fight the entire scene. I don't think there will be that much through out the film, but I appreciate your comment about it being taken amateur and I agree completely. (That's why this is only the 1st rough draft. ;) ) I'll probably scale it back (at least from the mother), but it couldn't be eliminated completely. I mean, this whole fight is shortly before she decides she wants to leave him and he decides to kill her. It's pretty heated.
It could be eliminated completely, you can have a heated argument without swearing. I think having a few curse words to emphasize feeling and the type of person your character is can be good, just not every sentence.

an idea:

the mother could use the first curse word and then the father could be like "you fuckin swear in front of our kid? He's crying now, are you happy? You did that." or something to that effect. Then the father would swear when he talked to her, but she would no longer swear at him. Builds more sympathy for the mother character that way too.

It's going to be super hard without good actors, I wouldn't even attempt it so good luck, I hope it works out how you want it to. :)

I'd also be happy to read the finished script.
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Old 05-02-2006, 07:58 AM
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bwind22 bwind22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by MisterSadistro
I liked the beginning, but it felt completely rushed in second part as if there was no purpose to it other than swearing and gore.


Thanks, I look in to adding more content once I determine which content needs to be added. (Through further character exploration.) :D

Quote:
Besides, I already did the "family man goes nuts and takes down the family" scenario in a film LOL
CK
Hmmm....

But this all happens within the first 5 minutes of the film and he doesn't take down the whole family. Just the ol lady and himself.

Did your film do that? Huh? huh? Did ya? Did ya have child & spousal abuse, profuse profanity ( ;) ), kill a mom and dad in front of their kid all in the first 5 minutes of yours?

;) :D
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