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  #11  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:02 AM
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Re: Re: Re: ...

Quote:
Originally posted by Angelakillsluts
It could be eliminated completely, you can have a heated argument without swearing. I think having a few curse words to emphasize feeling and the type of person your character is can be good, just not every sentence.

an idea:

the mother could use the first curse word and then the father could be like "you fuckin swear in front of our kid? He's crying now, are you happy? You did that." or something to that effect. Then the father would swear when he talked to her, but she would no longer swear at him. Builds more sympathy for the mother character that way too.

It's going to be super hard without good actors, I wouldn't even attempt it so good luck, I hope it works out how you want it to. :)

I'd also be happy to read the finished script.

These 2 characters can't have an argument without swearing, at least not the dad. He's a drunk, abusive, beligerent, asshole. She's a scared, battered and submissive wife that finally puts her foot down (Or tries to.)

Thanks though. After re-reading it, I did see some spots where the swearing could be stripped out easily.


By the way everyone, when I am replying to you, please don't think I am arguing or even being defensive. I'm merely trying to explain why I did things the way I did the first time through. Believe me, I'm taking everything that's being said to heart.
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  #12  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:04 AM
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Re: ...

Quote:
Originally posted by Angelakillsluts
In my opinion...

I think there is way too much swearing to the point where that would draw attention away from the movie and make it look amateurish.
leave it to jay and silent bob
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  #13  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Did your film do that? Huh? huh? Did ya? Did ya have child & spousal abuse, profuse profanity ( ), kill a mom and dad in front of their kid all in the first 5 minutes of yours?
My film opens with the dear old dad shooting mom, the daughter, the son, then himself- all in the opening few minutes (not sure how long since it needs to be reshot with new actress since she and her twin sister both ended up bailing on me which is fine since neither could act, they only had big boobs LOL). Very little profanity if I remember correctly. It's actually online if you want to see it. I got a lot of flak over shooting little girl in it (basically because of how it was framed). :D
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  #14  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:10 AM
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Cool! You did smoke the whole fam in the opening shot too! Great minds think alike I guess... :D But since I don't kill em all that makes our films completely non-similar.

And yes, I'd be very interested in watching your clip, although not from the computer I am on right now because it is slow as hell and has no speakers. If you send me a link to it, I'll check it out tonight when I'm at work.
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  #15  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:18 AM
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i could not watch anything since im in school and i got in troble for looking up leather face. school sucks, but i want to see your movie.
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  #16  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by bwind22
Cool! You did smoke the whole fam in the opening shot too! Great minds think alike I guess... :D But since I don't kill em all that makes our films completely non-similar.

And yes, I'd be very interested in watching your clip, although not from the computer I am on right now because it is slow as hell and has no speakers. If you send me a link to it, I'll check it out tonight when I'm at work.
ummmm the son lives (he was hiding behind curtain and only got shot in the shoulder) so they are EXACTLY the same movie (just like 'Wrong Turn' and everything else :eek: ).
I'm only posting this for educational purposes as a reference. No spam is implied or intended. Please - no wagering.
2ND VIDEO ON PAGE (which I won't mention by name since that would mean I was promoting something)
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  #17  
Old 05-02-2006, 08:38 AM
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Zero's idea is a good one to build on, I think. Maybe you could script it out where the child is viewing a scene of Jason killing somone, and keep panning back and forth from that to the murder. That way he makes a connection between his dad & Jason. This sets it up that, in a sick way, he idolizes what his dad is doing: being just like his favorite icon on the big screen.

Also, you're dialogue does sound a tad scripted, maybe a little soap opera-ish. I'll offer some clean up suggestions after a bit, if you'd like.
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  #18  
Old 05-02-2006, 04:11 PM
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I really like it actually. Sounds quite short though.
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  #19  
Old 05-02-2006, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Posher778
I really like it actually. Sounds quite short though.
Hehe.. Well, it's just the opening scene. ;) The finished product will be about 30-40 times longer.


Thanks to everyone for checking it out and giving your feedback though! I really appreciate it!
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  #20  
Old 05-02-2006, 11:20 PM
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Okay, I re-wrote the 1st scene, so here is a copy of the 2nd draft. Please let me know if you like the changes or if you liked the original scene better. Thanks.







SCENE 1 - Interior, home. 1992

(Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.)

CLAY - I'm that one that puts food on the table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? What more do you want from me?

MARY - You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!

(Mary is on the verge of having a breakdown.)

CLAY - There aint any out there! How many times do I gotta tell ya!

MARY - Oh, well... I guess you should just give up then! I guess Nathan and I will just go live in a cardboard box somewhere because you're TOO LAZY to get off your ass and get a job to provide for your own family!

CLAY - Go to hell! I dont have to listen to this!

(Clay gets up and starts putting on his coat.)

MARY - Where are you going?

CLAY - I'm goin down to Ernies!

MARY - Yeah, of course you are! Go get drunk like you always do loser!

CLAY - Bitch.

(Clay exits out the front door, slamming it behind him as Mary immediately breaks into tears and runs up to the bedroom, leaving Nathan to watch his Friday the 13th on his own.)

-Fade out/Fade back in approx 90 minutes later.-

(Nathan is still laying on the floor watching his movie when Clay comes home drunk and pissed. He's yelling right as he walks in the door.)

CLAY - Nathan, how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your fuckin toys?!

(Nathan looks around but the only toy out is the Jason Voorhies figure he's playing with while watching the movie.)

Nathan (scared) - I, I did, Dad.

(Out of nowhere, Clay smacks Nathan in the head.)

CLAY - Dont you fuckin talk back to me boy!

(Nathan sits in silence and fights back tears.)

CLAY - You gonna cry now you little pussy? You wanna cry?

(Hearing the commotion, Mary has re-entered the room now.)

MARY - You leave him alone! He didn't do anything wrong!

CLAY - Yeah... Alright. This is all your fault anyways!

MARY - My fault? How-

(Clay smacks her in the face before she can finish speaking.)

CLAY - Dont YOU fuckin talk back to me either! I think I've listened to enough shit from you for one night! Now I know where the kid gets it from!

MARY - You asshole!

CLAY - What did you call me?

(Clay aggressively attacks Mary and pounds on her for a minute while she tries to defend herself. After he stops pummelling her, she's swollen and bruised and sobbing. Clay has no sympathy...)

CLAY - Dont you EVER raise your voice to me again, you understand me woman?

MARY (Trembling) - I, I...

CLAY - You what?

MARY - Clay, I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

(Clay's eyes show rage as he silently turns and leaves the room. Mary continues sobbing. A moment later Clay returns with shotgun which he points at Mary...)

CLAY - You think you can leave me? Here's your fuckin divorce bitch.

(Mary puts her hands out and screams for mercy.)

BANG!

(Mary falls to the floor dead.)

CLAY (to Mary) - Til Death do us part, remember?

(Clay then looks at Nathan, who is now watching in stunned silence...)

CLAY - What the fuck are you lookin at?

(Clay then turns the shotgun on himself...)

BANG!

(As the second shot is heard and Clay falls to the ground, the camera pans down to the blood pooling on the floor next to Clay {Mary is partially in the camera shot as well.} Nathan approaches his mom's body and speaks to it softly...)

Nathan - Mommy? Mom?

(After standing over his mom for a few seconds and getting no response, Nathan silently turns back around and sits back down in front of the couch where he continues watching Friday the 13th until it ends {It is almost over when he sits down.} Once his movie ends, Nathan calmly stands up, steps over both bodies and picks up the phone. He calls 9-1-1.)

Nathan - I think my mommy got hurt...

FADE OUT

END SCENE
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