Feedback Request for a Script Im Writing

[The Flayed One]

Much better! When I read the beginning now, before he goes to the bar, Clay seems like a real person to me. Bravo!

[bwind22]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Much better! When I read the beginning now, before he goes to the bar, Clay seems like a real person to me. Bravo!

Thanks!

[Shadowman]

I do NOT want to get into another "fight" but, the story is great. I love the story, but the formatting is off. I know it's a rough draft. And That's ok. But when you rewrite it, make the formatting like this

INT. Interior Home, 1992, Night

Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.

Clay
I'm the one that puts the food on the fuckin' table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? Haven't I always given you everything you've wanted? What more do you want from me?

Mary
You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!


Well... that's how John Carpenter and Wes craven and all of the scripts are written. Just a suggestion. It IS easier to read it like that, but if you want it to have good formatting, do it like I said.

[MisterSadistro]

Celtx screenwriting software. Free.
CK

[pinkfloyd45769]

I love it!! The only thing that is bugging me is what Clay says to Nathan before shooting himself. I think he should say something that would leave a real impact on the poor kid. I really like this idea though, the best i've read on here imo. :)

[stubbornforgey]

I like it..
honestly i do ..
i was making a mental image..
I also like zero's opinion..zoom in on the kids blank stare who is still watching friday the 13th..
:D

Pink..thats a good idea too but i automatically thought about that kid tommy from the pinball wizard..
his dad killed his mother ..
the last thing the dad said was 'you saw nothing..you heard nothing ..you will say nothing'
while tommy was in the cot.

[bwind22]

Originally posted by Shadowman
I do NOT want to get into another "fight" but, the story is great. I love the story, but the formatting is off. I know it's a rough draft. And That's ok. But when you rewrite it, make the formatting like this

INT. Interior Home, 1992, Night

Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.

Clay
I'm the one that puts the food on the fuckin' table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? Haven't I always given you everything you've wanted? What more do you want from me?

Mary
You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!


Well... that's how John Carpenter and Wes craven and all of the scripts are written. Just a suggestion. It IS easier to read it like that, but if you want it to have good formatting, do it like I said.

Thanks. Like I said (and you mentioned) it's just a rough draft and you actually pointed the only reason I wrote in the format I did. It's just easier for people to look at & read this way, but yes, after the dozen or so revisions and the rest of the story, it will end up in the proper format. Thanks though.

[bwind22]

Originally posted by MisterSadistro
Celtx screenwriting software. Free.
CK

Ooooo. Gracias. Greatly appreciated. :D

[bwind22]

Originally posted by pinkfloyd45769
I love it!! The only thing that is bugging me is what Clay says to Nathan before shooting himself. I think he should say something that would leave a real impact on the poor kid. I really like this idea though, the best i've read on here imo. :)

Yeah, that was one line I was trying to come up with something better for too. Whatever line I end up using will definately play a part later on in the script too so it needs to something memorable.

Also , thanks for the kind words! Much appreciated. :D

[bwind22]

Originally posted by stubbornforgey
I like it..
honestly i do ..
i was making a mental image..
I also like zero's opinion..zoom in on the kids blank stare who is still watching friday the 13th..
:D

Pink..thats a good idea too but i automatically thought about that kid tommy from the pinball wizard..
his dad killed his mother ..
the last thing the dad said was 'you saw nothing..you heard nothing ..you will say nothing'
while tommy was in the cot.

Thanks for checking it out but the 2nd half of your post went way over my head. ;) No idea what you're talking about...