Feedback Request for a Script Im Writing

[bwind22]

Well, he didn't feel remorse for what he did. It was more just a "Oh shit. I just fucked up pretty bad." sort of a thing. I guess there would be a moment of realization in there somewhere for him and then instead of dealing with what he knows will be the impending consequences, he takes the easy way out.... Just like the drunken asshole piece of white trash he is.

*Shrug*

Or at least that was what I had in mind when I wrote it. Like I said, I should probably add that moment of realization in my next re-write. Thanks for the input. ;)

[Peter]

mmm, I think your writing style is Ok.
I know horror films are brutal, but good ones build up to dramatic/violent scenes. I think this is would you should do otherwise the good opening scene you are creating may be too obvious and one dimensional.
Work on originality and you can go where you like from there on.

[joshaube]

I liked it also, but some tips.

Remove the 'loser' segment in the Mother's line about the father going to Ernie's. Remove the "Mommy? Mom?" line from the kid. INSTEAD, have him simply look at the murder blankley, uncaring, them back at the screen. Like mentioned before, do a face closeup shot with the lights flickering on his face and the sound in the background of F13.

I like the 911 call idea, but I was also thinking it would be better if it just finish on the kid's closeup.

CK - dear LORD that woman is a HORRID actress.

[spookychild]

I agree with many responses that the language should be toned down. Those kind of words should be used to accent a statment. Its kinda like cooking with pepper. Just use a little to add flavor. Don't let the pepper be the flavor.

[Violent Messiah]

Originally posted by spookychild
I agree with many responses that the language should be toned down. Those kind of words should be used to accent a statment. Its kinda like cooking with pepper. Just use a little to add flavor. Don't let the pepper be the flavor.

I dunno...I've been witnessed to, and been in a few, quite heated arguements in my life, and when the tempers are flaring and the nerves are frayed, the language sounded a lot more like his first draft. I'd just change it a little because the dialouge did sound a little stilted at a couple of points, IMO.

Also, I agree with __V__ in that the last scene where the dad turns the gun on the kid really makes no sense. If he's in a rage enough to blast his wife, then there must be some sort of transition from rage extreme enough to kill his wife to guilt or regret extreme enough to kill himself. Of course you could make it like he snapped and lost his mind, and then after he shoots the mom have him turn and look at the kid with this insane totally gone look and raise the gun at the kid like he's next. And then have his face fill up with this totally whack-job grin and have him say something like "Nah, you don't get off so easy. See you in hell, Nate." and then have the dad eat the barrel and pull the trigger. :eek:

But other then that, good opening. Conflict usually is a great way to grab attention and keep it. In a book I'm working on now, the lead character of the story starts it getting ready to go back to his former place of employment to kill his ex employer and fellow employees. Like someone once said. 'If you want to reel them into your story, you got to start with a good hook to catch their attention"...Words to live by if you want to tell a story, in book or film. :D