Last Seen Contemporary Movie

[Tommy Jarvis]

Forest of Death 2007 ★★½

A solid Asian horror about ghosts in nature, misterious disappearances and suicide.

It was decent and the achting was okay, but the splitting trees kent the third star away.

The Changing Room 2022 ★★★

The Changing Room aka Samara for H&M.

Short run time, so no time to waste. Of course the requisite dumb decisions (really, the boot was no clue?), but it's not too long before it goes wrong. And the climax is okay(ish), with the budget constraints we have with short films.

Snake Dick 2020 ★★★½

In essence, this is the opening to an X-Files episode stretched out to a good 7 minutes.

It's lesson: a trouser snake is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Soft & Quiet 2022 ★★

The real time principle may work for shows like 24, where there's always something going on. Here, however, it inevitably makes the movie lag. If you want to show how quickly this type of situation can escalate, time stamps do the trick just as well.

Right from the beginning, you get a sense that this mom group does not consist of nice people and once the meeting starts, you really get hit over the head with where these “ladies” stand with their views on society. The only silver lining being that they have to hide in this type of secret, little groups and that a softie priest suffices to send them packing.

The break in scene, the escalation and everything that came after was pretty predictable, albeit pretty bleak. Until the last shot, that is (Or will they?). The only “surprise” being the at first mousy, shy type taking charge and being very agressive about it. For some reason, I expected a Mister Orange-like twist, but no delivery there either.

The Roundup 2022 ★★½

Ma Deong-Seok (the zombie punching badass from Train To Busan) stars in an action that emulates the eighties flicks with Stallone and Schwarzenegger and basically everything leading up to The Expendables.

The story flows nicely, the action works and Ma Deong-Seok proves he is a decent lead. Only downside is that the dub took away from the delivery. I hope I can later (re)watch a non dubbed version.

Whiplash 2014 ★★★★½

Calling it a coming of age would be a bit cheap, as the character already gained some maturity. Though at the start of the story, he still has a bit of the shyness of a kid.

This was essentially a 2 hour duo performance, with a few background characters sprinkled in solely for the development of the main character(s). And I could not keep my eyes off of them.

Completely gorged up by the intense dynamic that they develop over the runtime. Floating back and forth between mutual respect for the respective pros (and their determination to be the best they can at what they do) and on the other hand disdain and downright hatred for the other when, in his eyes, he lets him down.

JK Simmons deserves all the praise he gets for an awesome performance as the charismatic Terence Fletcher. But Miles Teller is great as well in how he portrays the growth Andrew goes through: from a somwhat shy kid (think of the scene where he asks out Nicole) to a determined and sometimes even arrogant and/or pretentious artist, even evolving into a kind of a copy of his master.

People complain on the sadistic, abusive nature of Terence Fletcher, but, interestingly, the dinner scene and the breakup scene with Nicole also show that Andrew might have more in common with Fletcher than you, as a viewer, might (want to) see.

Four and a half stars well deserved. If you have not sene this one, do.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Cabin Fever 2002 ★★

I can't say I was all that impressed by Cabin Fever. Douchy characters go on vacation and then get infected with, for lack of a better description, bad water.

The main thing then is that you, as a viewer, have an incentive to go: oh no, not him! Fuck no, not her! But you don't. Because you have no attachment to them whatsoever. Ryder Strong has the only somewhat likable character and then he blows his credit (along with his load) while his “crush” is being terminally ill in the next room. Real classy.

I am sure Eli Roth is a very good director and from hearing him talk, I am also (fairly) sure that he's a great crack to be around and that you will be hard pressed to find people whose love for the genre is as genuine as his.

You: Ok, ok, ok, but when is the but coming? Well, here it is.

The same way Elton John needed Bernie Taupin, Eli Roth could be so much better off by getting someone to write solid characters for him, allowing him to focus more on technical things like editing, cinematography, pace, build up,... In my opinion, that could make for a geat combination.

Half star added for the story about Eli spraying Ryder Strong with fake blood and the devilish, childlike glee with which he apparently did that. Now there's somebody I can relate to.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein 1994 ★★★

At the Hollywood production company...

Producer Guy: So, you have a movie for me?

Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir, I do. I was thinking we could do an adaptation of Frankenstein.

Producer Guy: Amazing! So who would direct this thing?

Screenwriter Guy: Well, this is a classic horror story, so who better than Ken Branagh?

Producer Guy: A director who never has done horror?

Screenwriter Guy: That's what we're going for.

Producer Guy: Works for me. So tell me, will he turn it into a Shakespearean drama and cast himself as the lead?

Screenwriter Guy: He sure will, sir.

Producer Guy: Great. And do we get a backstory where they show how he gets to creating life?

Screenwriter Guy: Oh yeah, and we also get this subplot where his girlfriend/fiancé/wife is kind of, sort of his sister.

Producer Guy: Kind of, sort of his sister?

Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's adopted, so it all works out.

Producer Guy: Won't that still give an incesty vibe?

Screenwriter Guy: Oh, whoops!

Producer Guy: Whoopsie!

Screenwriter Guy: We also get this subplot where he gets his inspiration from John Cleese.

Producer Guy: Yeah, we need to get a big cast with a lot of famous people in there.

Screenwriter Guy: We sure do, sir.

Producer Guy: Excellent. So what about the monster then?

Screenwriter Guy: The what now?

Producer Guy: The monster. Isn't he like an essential character?

Screenwriter Guy: Oooh! Oh no no no no no no no no... no.

Producer Guy: Oh.

Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, he'll be more an afterthought here for a big part of the movie.

Producer Guy: Oh, really?

Screenwriter Guy: Yeah yeah yeah, and he'll look like a victim of superbad plastic surgery.

Producer Guy: Ah, superbad plastic surgery is tight.

Screenwriter Guy: Gross. So Frankenstein abandons the monster and the monster goes to Geneva to get revenge.

Producer Guy: Why Geneva?

Screenwriter Guy: Because.

Producer Guy: Works for me. Does he kill anyone in the process?

Screenwriter Guy: Well, he kills a child in a nod to the original movie.

Producer Guy: Won't this take away the sympathy from the original monster?

Screenwriter Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.

Producer Guy: Well, it's just that, originally, the monster was a sad creature who kills a child unknowningly. Won't having him do that on purpose turn him into a douche?

Screenwriter Guy: Alright, listen, sir. I'm going to need you to get all the way off my back about the sympathy thing.

Producer Guy: Well, okay, then. Let me get off of that thing!

Screenwriter Guy: So... what do you think?

Producer Guy: Well, it has a Shakespearean actor, a big cast, a main character as an afterthought and backstories and subplots we did not really ask for. So I think it will win all of the awards.

Screenwriter Guy: Great.

Producer Guy: But I do have one last question.

Screenwriter Guy: What's that?

Producer Guy: It says here that he kills Helena Bonham Carter and turns her into a Beetlejuice-like weird monster who leaves Frankenstein to be with the monster.

Screenwriter Guy: What about that?

Producer Guy: Well, she's dating Tim Burton now. Won't that combination lead to over twenty years of typecasting?

Screenwriter Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.

Producer Guy: Ok! I won't then.

Check out Ryan George and Pitch Meetings at www.youtube.com/@PitchMeetings

Thank you to Ryan George for the idea for this and all the funny reviews. Keep up the good work!

This Land 2023 ★★★½

I kind of enjoyed this one, though they go a bit heavy on the ominous music sometimes.

As a result of a timeshare mishap, a blue family and a red family have to share a condo, only to find out they are meant to be the victims of a cult sacrifice. The blue family's mom Ava also bears the trauma of losing a child, which leads to some on the nose imagery.

It's a bit of slow burn, with the tension between the families leading to inevitable comparisons with Get Out. At least, they made things a bit more nuanced with the blue kid taking a liking to the red dad and the moms being polite to each other at first. Not to say that there are no clichés in there. The red dad is a cop and the blue dad is a pot smoking teacher. But I give this credit for showing/trying to show that life always turns out more complicated than you want it to be. Oh yeah, and the blood gag with Dakota? Totally classic Shelly.

Everything comes to a confrontation during a game of some Monopoly-ish game. And then things escalate with some typical cult stuff, a good climax and a solid, decent ending. With one cult member channeling Henry from The Purge. That was kind of funny.

A solid, entertaining flick that deserves some (more) love. Check it out.

Ps: In the category “if you know, you know”: Corbin is the third man.

[Tommy Jarvis]

third date 2019 ★★

Date from hell with not much else to offer.

The only moment that stands out is when she goes all Doctor Gordon on her hand.

Born to Be Blue 2015 ★★★★

Let's get this out of way first: I am “just” a fan. Someone who enjoys listening to Chet's music, his trumpet and his voice. Am I a connaisseur in any shape or form? No, I'm not. I have not really read any biographies or seen documentaries. So don't expect any claims about how wether or not Hawke has the mannerisms down or such and such.

What I can say, is that it's a beautiful tragic story about somebody with a unique, amazing talent and at the same time a self destructive personality stronger than himself. Than he can or wants to be.

I cannot say wether or not this portrayal of Baker is correct. A charmer with good looks who somehow always manages to get in his own way and unwittingly makes life hard for the people around him. With a final shot of Jane/Elaine echoing a line of the song “Hurt”: Everone I know goes away in the end. Which happened to be written by somone who, at that time, was struggling with his own drug demons.

But Ethan Hawke is certainly well placed to portray this type of character. He makes you sympathize with Chet, in spite of everything, and see what his few friends saw in him. At the end of the big dramatic scene, we see him in a dressing room with the choice between methadone and heroin. And I was struck by how part of me was going: don't do it, brother. Don't do it. Sidenote: as a fan of Pontypool, it was nice for me to see Stephen McHattie back as Chet's father.

It has a lot of beautiful music and performances. So the “superficial” Chet-fan has plenty to enjoy here too. And throughout the movie, I kept wondering wether Ethan Hawke did some actual singing here. Would give it an extra cachet, in my opinion. Leave a comment if you know more.

As I am writing this, I am struck by the fact that you can enjoy Born To Be Blue as a biopic, but also as a tragic love story, not unlike Leaving Las Vegas. So certainly worth your time, in perhaps more than one form.

Rorschach 2015 ★★

Spengler and Stantz in the field. No proton pack, no Venkman, no witty dialogue.

One or two somewhat disconcerting moments (hence the second star) between a lot of nothing and then... that's it? Alright.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Halloween Ends 2022 ★

As a stand alone film, this would/could work.

I can certainly see where they are coming from.

They are trying to do something different and that's admirable. They're also setting up the legacy for when Michael Myers should be biologically dead and I'm cool with that. Zombie Michael is no option, fair enough. So they go wih this. Tapping into contemporary issues like mental health and suicide: applaudworthy.

But this as the pay-off to the final trilogy? After two whole movies of build up? No. Just no.

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery 1997 ★★★

Went in for a rewatch. It turned out to be just the kind of fluff I needed at that moment.

I'm surprised how many of the jokes still stand after all this time.

A solid comedy and a perfect fit for subscription platforms.

Duyster 2021 ★★★★½

Good lord, what a pleasant surprise.

I'm familiar with the expression “living up to expectations”, but can we make “living up to hope” a thing as well, along with “as good as I had hoped”? Because the premise certainly had given me hope. A FF made by people from my neck of the woods, even with a similar accent. Cool.

So did I in my heart of hearts want this to be good? Of course I did. Only natural.

So was I a bit biased going in? Maybe a tad, but also weary. Because it would be terrible if it sucked. And a lot of found footage does. Let's not mince words: this is the downside to democratizing the fillmmaking process the way this genre does, a virtue not unlike punk rock. When any random schmo can grab a camera, low budget talent will find a way to come to the surface. But many will also try and fail. The same way not every punk band can be The Clash or Bad Religion. And for every Bad Religion that pops up, there are ten bands that are simply terrible.

This is not the case with Duyster. From the opening shot, the characters and their dynamics are well and clearly set up. Anyone who has ever done a group project in secondary school, high school, community college or college can on some level relate to the dynamics within this trio. Or recognize themselves in either Milan, Nora or Bas. The film crew being down on their luck at first is a nice reminder of [Rec] as well. Wonder how intentional this parallel/reference was.

The scares are very well dosed throughout the movie, which in my opinion is a key factor to this subgenre. One thing I noticed is that the bad found footage go way too long without anything really happening. Props to Thomas Van Brabant and Jordi Ostir for their direction and timing here. No details because I don't want to spoil anything. But suffice to say that this is great stuff.

We do get a bit of the running and the screaming and the “oh my god” that typifies found footage movies, but then it pulls a swerve that you can not possibly see coming. All I can say is: the less you know, the better.

Make sure to find a copy with English subtitles, because this is really worth checking out. It's certainly going in my found footage top ten, I just don't know where yet.

For the Belgians and the Dutchmen reading this: Jordi also has a podcast on Spotify called Klokslag 12, where he and his cohosts Dennie and Lorenz discuss all things horror related. I really recommend giving that a listen on either Soundcloud or whatever other medium of your choice. Fun fact: Dennie and Lorenz have a cameo in the movie as well. See if you can spot them.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil 2010 ★★★

A solid comedy of errors, somewhere between traditional comedies and self aware meta horror stuff like Scream, You might be the killer and so on. Not that surprising since both leads have a background in comedy.

Two lovable hillbillies run into some snooty college kids and hilarity ensues when the latter mistake for psychotic killers. Leading into very funny slapstick-like situations and kills.

But the sweet moments come from the heart to hearts between Tucker and Dale. When Tucker tries to crank up Dale's self confidence. And lord love him, it all works out in the end.

For people looking for something sweet and innocent and with no pretensions about what it wants to be.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil 2010 ★★★

A solid comedy of errors, somewhere between traditional comedies and self aware meta horror stuff like Scream, You might be the killer and so on. Not that surprising since both leads have a background in comedy.

Two lovable hillbillies run into some snooty college kids and hilarity ensues when the latter mistake for psychotic killers. Leading into very funny slapstick-like situations and kills.

But the sweet moments come from the heart to hearts between Tucker and Dale. When Tucker tries to crank up Dale's self confidence. And lord love him, it all works out in the end.

For people looking for something sweet and innocent and with no pretensions about what it wants to be.

Kickstart My Heart 2022 ★★½

Kickstart my heart aka Final Destination: Interlude. What with a car running down our heroine not unlike the bus crash in FD1 and with special effects similar to the ending of FD4.

So then Jeanne-Caudia Van Damme ends up in limbo between life and death with a dead brother/son and a whole lot of ass to kick in order to survive cpr. And she does. Hurray!

Enjoyable in you don't ask (too many) questions.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Armageddon Time 2022 ★★★★

This review may contain spoilers.

Armageddon Time is a beautiful story about a young dreamer searching his way in life in the last days before Reaganomics and the war on drugs and what not.

Paul is touched by Kandinsky and wants to find his voice in art. therefor not playing by the rules of the schools he goes to. Also shown in his bonding with Jonathan/Johnny, a storyline depicting the racism of the seventies. The dreamer beating to a different drum. Though Paul, in a way, ends up betraying Johnny as well. Leaving him behind, partly as a conscious decision, partly because there was not much else he could do at that point. Only, as grandpa tells him, stand up to the bullies who say hateful things about his friends.

Also the dynamics in the family are very recognisable. With the bullying brother and most of all the parents, conflicted between the values they grew up and the changes they experience and have to face. How they mostly just want a better life for their children than what they have and thus (un)consciously end up pushing them towards conformity.

Anne Hathaway and Jeremy Strong deliver very good performances in their respective parts. Hathaway as the housewife wanting to expand and have an impact on society, complete with the wolf traps on her path (like the kid thinking he can do anything because “mom runs the school” when she's “only” in the PTA). Or the dad, torn between stern parenting and a looser style of raising his children. The clearest example being the scene after Paul and Johnny get caught smoking a joint in the school bathroom. Be nice to mom, or she'll set the dogs on ya. Anthony Hopkins is the kind, supportive grandfather, whose passing results in a cathartic moment for the family.

Throughout all of this, the 1980 election is playing. It just so happens that earlier in the day, I saw a Bill Maher monologue in which he claims Ronald Reagan was in fact the original teabagger and the source of many of today's problems surrounding income equality. In that aspect, it does not seem like coincidence that Fred Trump gets to speak at Paul's new school. Donald never makes an appearance as such, but I did sense an implied link. Though I'm pretty sure that The Donald, contrary to Reagan, never called any of his wives “mommy”.

A lovely document of its time and a feascinating cinema experience. Certainly worth seeing.

Ps: Curious to se emore of Jeremy Strong. If there are any roles of his you would like to recommend, feel free to leave them in the comments.

The Houses October Built 2014 ★★★

This review may contain spoilers.

A found footage that hovers around the solid mark.

Par for the genre is the slow start. The different haunted houses are good for a few jumpscares, but nothing really special. It's only after the altercation with the clown that things really go south.

The scene with the tongue is pretty scary and, as one character puts it, the scare of being in the dark and not knowing what's going on or where to go. A decent sommaton of the subgenre.

The ending certainly delivers and you feel for the protagonists as the carnies toy with them and finally bury them. What's beyond me, is a) why these people would drop everything around Halloween to teach these kids a lesson (instead of waiting until early november) and b) how the hell this got a sequel.

Solid FF. Maybe no top 10 material, but certainly on the list for people who just found the genre and want to do some exploring.

Healing 2020 ★★

A girl goes over to a spiritual healer in order to debunk his methods and expose him as a criminal.

The story depends mostly on the tension between the main actors, but I did not really sense that. Maybe partly because the dialogues were hard to understand and the Swiss accent did not really help.

A good and mysterious twist at the end, sure, but that does not save things.

[Tommy Jarvis]

This Is the End 2013 ★★½

Not as fun as I remember.

Some funny bits in there, like obnoxious Michael Cera, the masturbation argument between Franco and McBride or the womp womp moment when Franco gets "saved". And the Backstreet Boys at the pearly gates will remain cult.

But the overall mushy and lovie dovie atmosphere as a cover for the jungle of Hollywood is not as hilarious as the makers had hoped for.

Inside 2007 ★★★★½

Inside certainly earns its place in the realm of French extremes. A European, more extreme version of The hand that rocks the cradle, if you will. In that it appeals to similar fears, just in a very different way.

The opening has you in the right mood, but is positively tame compared to what comes next.

The tension is great. Who is this lady and how does she know all these things about our lead?

The knife on the pregnant belly shot goes up there with the finger in Raw. Good stuff.

Sure, they bring in a few extra characters to up the death toll. But it does manage in giving a false sense of security. And we get gnarly head shot and Sarah stabbing her mother in the throat with a hairpin. As you do.

Throughout all of this, you wonder how the ending will top all of this. And then the ending... fuck me, that ending. A great topper to a very violent and gory film about what are in essence very human things.

Well recommended for fans of more extreme stuff.

Bury the Bride 2023 ★★

Went into this one because of the premise. A bachelorette party terrorised by the groom. Sounds good. Oh, and Scout Taylor-Compton is in it, the lead from Rob Zombie's Halloween.

It's a mediocre vampire fest with a few obligatory jump scares and a bland ending.

The dialogue?

Redneck: Says some redneck stuff.
Sassy girl: Oh... my... god. You're so stupid.
Redneck: stfu (or something like that)
Sassy girl: something something f-bomb bla bla bla two more f-bombs yadda yadda

So that's a lot of who cares.

A few good kills are enough to earn this movie its second star.

[Tommy Jarvis]

Guest 2020 ★★★★

Nice little short with an eerie atmosphere.

We get no backstory on Stewie the stop motion puppet or on why he is scary as fuck. Which ends up making him more scary. Because reality will not be as scary as what you imagine.

Good stuff, this.

Piggy 2018 ★★★★

This review may contain spoilers.

This Spanish Carrie makes you feel sorry for the main character.

It also succeeds in being pretty mean spirited, as the only one not on her case is a High Tension-like killer. You have a sunny day too, sweetheart.

Though I did have the impression almost everything was said in 15 minutes. Apparently, this was turned into a feature length film last year. Curious how that turned out.

[Tommy Jarvis]

The Gathering 2001 ★★

Back to the DVD collection for something from the early 2000s.

An American girl goes (back) to England and before we know the whats and whys and hows she is run over by a car in the kind of town where you expect to run into Simon Pegg exchanging insults over crossword puzzles.

She gets away from the accident with amnesia (very handy) and soon starts having ominous visions (spooky). Between hooking up with Ioan Gruffudd (who does an amazing Rocco Siffredi cosplay here) and being harassed by townies, Christina Ricci and the screenwriter put the pieces together.

Because it's all related to a vague story about a buried church, which results in a solid opening kill, a piece of wood that allegedly belonged to the cross that held Jesus and an orphanage where child abuse took place... because of course it did.

At first, you still want to buy it, but when the screenwriter started tying in the JFK assasination and the KKK, it became a bit too silly for me to still follow. And of course the ending being par for the course. Oh no, that thing that we saw coming from the very start happened after all. Oh well.

But the pace is solid, the execution is not too bad and there are worse things than seeing Christina Ricci running around doing stuff.

Fun for people who like religious horror and Christina Ricci-fans.

No Time to Die 2021 ★★★

This review may contain spoilers.

Well, I never thought I would live to see James Bond have his Maury Povich moment.

James Bond, in the case of little Mathilde, you are (not) the father.

So yeah, that happened.

The whole movie felt like a final love letter to Daniel Craig. A way of hammering home in no uncertain terms in that it's really really really time to bid this Bond farewell and greet the new incarnation. Including a heroic sacrifice moment. They want you to be doubly sure that this James Bond is really, really dead and gone.

It goes together with an overall solid, entertaining action movie. We see Daniel Craig do all the narrow escapes and stunts and fighting. They keep you on the edge of your seat and the cast are well in their place. In my opinion, Ben Wishaw and Naomi Harris are growing in their respective roles as Q and Moneypenny. If he can do banter (and leave out the “boy, we sure are old” crap), Ralph Fiennes can make a good M.

The main downside is the darkness of it all. Both literally (so many scenes in the dark) and figuratively. There's not much to laugh here, apart from maybe the comic relief moments with Ana De Armas. And yet, the material is there. Their scenes from the earlier movies show that the dry wit banter between Q and Bond can work. Why not use that more here? To lighten the atmos and make the final sacrifice hit that much harder.

Apart from that, Rami Malek can sometimes be scary and yet, he does not make a memorable Bond-villain like Goldfinger or Blofeld. Also, with Christopher Waltz in the cast, the link with the interrogation scene in Inglorious Basterds is quickly laid and Rami does not match up.

Malek and Lea Seydoux's character are kind of characteristic for this movie. I can kind of get it and kind of see it, but a certain meh-factor inevitably always slips in.

Also, your opening bit lasted longer than a Simpsons episode. About 20 minutes until the opening credits. Maybe trim down a bit then.

That said, it still has its qualities: it's certainly entertaining and I can empathize with Craig-fans having to wipe away a tear at the end. For the rest of us, it's just a decent popcorn muncher. No more, no less.