| Stingy Jack |
07-08-2004 05:41 PM |
Quote:
Originally posted by Vodstok
Saying "The streets seemed to shout out at him" has the same effect, and requires less restructuring.
Pretty intersting that it is written in second-person present-tense. that is pretty difficult to pull off and have it make sense. it reads more like a script than a story, which is pretty cool.
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Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."
I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.
Keep it up! |
