The past thirty-six hours have been batshit crazy for me.
Wednesday I got my azurescens and needless to say I fucked up and ate way too many. I didn't get the full on color experience or had a breakthrough but I did have quite an ego shattering mind trip. I again Revisited all my thoughts and memories of what my family has done to me and have realized that I am a victim of circumstance. My mom's family hated my dad and my dad's family hated my mom and my mom's family looked at me as my dad's son and my dad's family saw me as my mother's son. I realized my grandfather probably wasn't deliberately being a bad person to me, I mean my aunt called me after my grandmother had died to tell me that she loved me and forgave me but did not tell me she had just died. My grandfather admitted this to me last week and it devastated me to know that they would deliberately not tell me even after calling me anyway.
I burst into tears thinking about all of this and began feeling terrible for the way I approached my grandfather about this and the personal attacks on him and the rest of the family. I called this morning and left a message on his answering machine because he doesn't answer it for me anymore but I told him that I realize I'm just a victim of circumstance and he always made me feel like the others were above me. My grandmother loved me. I was always her favorite because we did everything together and when I wasn't around I called her everyday to talk to her. I don't know if this made everyone else jealous or what but the point is I told him that life is too short to hold grudges and that I love him and despite the way I feel I still want him in my life and I invited him to call me.
So back to Wednesday night, after I had my moment, I began getting a little frustrated that I wasn't having any other kind of trip so me being the dumbass that I am, I decided to make tea out of the rest of the ounce. I took a few drinks of the tea and I figured that would get me where I wanted to go so I went and laid down on my bed with the lights and TV off waiting for the trip to start. Again, nothing. At this point I was annoyed and decided to go to bed and just try again Thursday morning. It was then I got up to go use the bathroom and when I came back and lay down my entire body started going numb. Before I could really stop and think about why this was happening my entire body was in paralysis. I began getting scared and my breathing became more of a short gaspq and while I couldn't move I was still trying with all of my might to get to my phone just in case I couldn't snap out of it and had to call 911 but it was no use. I actually laid there and made peace with dying because I thought that's what was about to happen.
The breathing problem continued for about 2 or 3 minutes before I finally started being able to get deeper breaths. A few minutes later I was able to start wiggling my toes and fingers and eventually able to start moving my legs and arms. It was then I fell asleep and when I woke up yesterday morning, still shaken by the incident the night before, I made the second stupid mistake of taking a few more drinks of the tea. I immediately started feeling weird in a bad way and knew I fucked up and was about to have a bad trip so I laid down again with my eyes shut and just took it. I took in all of the guilt from the way I have talked to my grandfather and family. I know they deserved it but the way I blew up on them with the words I used made me feel extremely guilty and it haunted me 4 hours until I was finally able to fall asleep again. I slept off and on all day yesterday and last night. I still feel a little weak and shaky today but this evening when I can regain my composure I'm going to freeze the mushrooms I have left since they are wet and we'll go bad in a few days if I don't do something with them. I talked to the guy who I got them from and he was telling me I took too much and that I should freeze them and only eat 1 cap at a time because of how strong they are and I think I'm going to do that. I'm a stupid fucking idiot huh?
