[Stingy Jack]

Actually, you can modify the existing prelude ... but I think it's fine if you start it off with your soldier lost in Gloom. Your opening line is great. Very attention getting (which is the purpose of an opening line). But, it's a bit confusing, the way it is written. Let's look at it.

"Echoes of screams. An endless cacophony that reverberates in my mind every time I close my eyes. A tiny glimmer of hope dangled before my eyes like a carrot on a string. "

I take it the echoes are your soldier's memory of the screams he heard while his comrades were being slaughtered. Very good. You take us right into his head, and hint to us that he has been through something horrible. But the last sentence is the one that throws me. What is the tiny glimmer of hope that is dangled before his eyes (I am only referring to your soldier as a "he" for the sake of simplicity. It is too much trouble to type he/she all the time)? The way it is written, it sounds as if the echoes of screams are the tiny glimmer of hope. But that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Actually, I would eliminate the word prelude altogether. You really only use prologues if you are going to give the reader a glimpse of something that he may need to know before the story starts, and that you will get back to in more detail later. But, since your actual story starts off with your soldier lost in Gloom, then I think you should change the prelude to Chapter 1. Write it out in detail. Have him tell us what has happened to him since he got here, describing the setting, the atrocities, all of that. Maybe he is low on ammo, but he managed to find a temporary sanctuary to rest. Then, end this chapter with him deciding to give us the backstory. Move into Chapter 2 with the events that led up to the character's position at the beginning of Chapter 1. When you get to that point, you can move in to Chapter 3, back to the character and where you left him at the end of Chapter 1.

How does that sound?



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