[Roderick Usher]

Fine, here it is:


I read it and I have quite a few problems with it. I'm offering this critique and I hope you take it all as constructive criticism, to help you perfect your craft.

I like the idea of killers on the road...the delusional representation of the dead girlfriend, but the story goes nowhere. There is no beginning-middle-end flow to it. And I understand it's a short piece, but even a short piece needs a story arc.

I didn't find anything particularly compelling about your characters. If you're writing about the bad guy, you still need to find a way to make him sympathetic or you lose your audience. Sometimes a heavy dose of Charisma is all it takes. Try to find your Characters' nuances and quirks in your next pass on the script.

Your form is difficult to read, but that's easily remedied by proper use of form.
First, your "scenes" cover too many scenes. To differentiate one location from the next, do it like this.

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

INT. BATHROOM - GAS STATION - NIGHT

All these scenes occur in your first "scene." Breaking them up like this allows you to detail each scene, controls the pacing and makes it easier for the reader to follow.

Next, avoid using directing terms in the script. The camera should not be mentioned. Simply describe the scene. Directors never want a writer to tell them how a scene should be shot, so it is important to not "direct from the keyboard."

I would suggest researching the standard screenplay format. I'll send you a .pdf of one of my old scripts if you'd like to see how I started off.

All in all I think the piece is a messy cliche, but that isn't always terrible. The mess can be cleaned up. Cliches exist because they work, but they work best when they are turned on their ear.

I'm glad you're writing. It's an awesome thing. But don't think it'll come out great the first time. Writing is a process...and it's all about doing it over and over. I've written 24 feature-length screenplays and I'm still learning how to write - and I still crank out 2-3 bad scripts for every good one.

Keep it up. A writer writes.
Sean
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