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Man, I completely understand and empathize with what you're going through and how you're feeling. Pretty much throughout my entire life I've felt alienated from everyone - Even my family and my close friends. I can hear in your words what I used to say to myself: "They don't care about me. They don't respect me. They don't understand me. They don't WANT to understand me. And they can't even bother listening to me."
But you have to remind yourself - It's not about them.
I've either ruined or nearly ruined scores of relationships because of this thought process. And it's NOT easy to talk about with people. Try asking your loved ones, "Do you really care about me?" and the answer is usually an incredulous, confused, and frustrated, "Yes." (Think about it: From their perspective, of course they care about you, but not everyone understands or has dealt with depression firsthand)
The issue is how you feel about you (as ridiculously cliched as that sounds). You're going down an increasingly self-distructive path - That's all those thoughts are; self-destructive and ultimately not helpful. It's not easy, but you need to derail yourself. When you feel yourself going down that path, think of something else (though believe me - it's NOT easy and I am not going to kid myself or you and pretend that it IS). When you feel anxious and consumed by these self-destructive and alienating thoughts, you need to derail them. Quote as much of a movie as you can. Say the alphabet backwards; anything to derail and distract you from the virtiginous thought process that is ultimately driving you insane.
I definitely agree that professional help could be of assistance. Personally, the meds that I am on for depression and anxiety help me a lot... But that's not necessarily the answer for everyone. I suggest looking for EMDR therapists; It's a kind of therapy that focuses specifically on assisting the patient to derail themselves when their anxieties come (it helps specifically with PTSD patients - Not that I consider myself a Dr., but your thought path echoes some typical PTSD anxieties... Could be that there's something that you've needed to deal with for some time... And now's the time).
But in the short term, I've found that the best self-therapy that I have ever done for myself is change my routine. As it's been metioned before, it sounds trite, but it's not. Obviously, right now, what you're doing is not working. So you need to identify the parts in your life that need to change. Maybe you need a professional in your life. Maybe you need to change your daily schedule. Maybe you need to eat more cereal - Could be a number of things, either great or small. I find that the first and easiest things to change are cosmetic - Exercising and eating better... Going out more on long walks around the neighborhood. The next step is mental conditioning - How to derail these thoughts that are bringing you down... It's not easy, but you need to be able to recognize the pattern - You know where it starts (probably be a thought: "They dont' care about me). Well, don't indulge it. Don't follow it with anger; instead think about something entirely different - Build a house in your mind. Pick something methodical (my boyfriend thins of basketball stats when he feels an anxiety attack coming on) and distract yourself.
And, when all else fails - Control your breathing... Long breath in... Long breath out... Yoga has done WONDERS for me (hey - don't knock it 'til you try it!)
I know it sounds crazy, trite, and trivial... But it's worth a try.
And if I've pried too much I'm sorry - It just hurts me hearing someone having the same kind of pain that I know all too well.
And, Psycom, don't sweat it - You're not shit. You're a good kid who's going through a rough patch. You're smart, you're funny, clever... And obviously we all took the time to read through your post, so you know at least WE care... Though I'm not sure how much consolation that is. ;)
Take it easy, and I honestly suggest cutting back on the weed. I know that me, personally, I have long-lasting anxiety attacks when I over-indulge... But then again, I never said that I could handle the stuff. :p
PM me if you want any more advice from Dr. Chrono.
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