Originally Posted by Papillon Noir
[My additions are in italics]
James was born on the 3rd of August 1970, making him currently 38. He was born in the small American town of Little Teaside to Anne and John Daniels. They lived in a three bedroom house. They gave birth to another child, Miles, on the 14th December 1976. The two brothers got on well.
At school, James was an average student, but was well known for his sense of humor. Most of the teachers liked him and he finished school with Cs and Bs. He had many friends, but his best friend was a boy who happened to be named Daniel James. They got on very well and regularly went around each others houses and played practical jokes. Their favorite film genre was Comedy, although Daniel was also into Horror.
James decided not to go to college, but Daniel did. James got a safe little job at a local tourist ride, a large bungee thrill ride. He made enough money that he bought a regular sized apartment in town. It was the 24th August 1991 that he met Judy. She had a go on the bungee seat and he was so attracted to her that they went out to dinner.
It turned out she was already seeing somebody, unbeknown to James, it was Daniel. Judy and Daniel had been dating casually for the past few months, and he really liked her. He didn't want to introduce her to James right away since he knew she was totally James, who was the better looking one's type. Daniel thought if he could keep her a secret, he could build more of a relationship with her before she met James, but she broke it off to be with James. Within a year she had moved in and they were in a very comfortable relationship. They decided not to have children until they were a bit older.
As with Bwind, this was a good move. It put Daniel and James in an odd position, but one that James didn't know of. I liked the fact that Daniel was aware of James' charm, causing some resentment and jealousy. Perception, creativity and logic scored.
Now, back to Daniel. While he was at college, he made new friends, as did James. Eventually, the two stopped really contacting each other, apart from the odd funny email or Christmas cards. Daniel never really got over the loss of Judy. She found out that Daniel and James were best friends, and because she thought it would be awkward, she agreed with Daniel to keep their past relationship a secret. Daniel got a job as a computer technician in a city about two hours away from James. While he was there, he was miserable. He had a bad house, very few friends he got on with really well and he was just all around lonely. He started obsessing about Judy. So, in February 1994 he came back to Little Teaside and approached James. Daniel knew that James and Judy were still together and he concocted a plan to be with her, deciding her love was worth risking his friendship with James.
I like the idea of obsession coming into play here. It also makes it all the more sad that James went mad because it was mainly due to the actions of others and not him. Perception and creativity gained here.
James and Judy had recently started renting a two bedroom house in a nice location. When Daniel came back, James couldn't say no. Daniel started living at the house where he remained until 1996. All three of them got on well and it was a fun time, even though Judy was hesitant at first, Daniel insisted that they could just be friends. As the three of them got closer, this brought up old romantic feelings for Daniel and they started having an affair. As Judy began to rely on Daniel more and more, his obsession of her began to dwindle. It was at this time he met Caron. Caron dazzled Daniel the way Judy did when they first met. Caron was younger, prettier, and very successful. Judy tried to keep Daniel at home, even secretly enlisting the help of James's brother Miles (part-time drug dealer) by trying to get him hooked on drugs,but Daniel eventually got back on his feet and bought an apartment across town with his new girlfriend Caron. James and he remained friends.
This was also a very good addition, and one based on what often happens in reality. People's obsessions do fade. And the fact that Daniel had drawn Judy closer to him at this point, it made things very difficult between them. It think the fact that Judy became the slightly unhinged one also would make it more painful for James when the truth came out. Also, the inclusion of Miles was well done. Points gained in all three areas.
James and Judy went on to have a daughter who they named Lucy on the 5th September 1999. They stayed in the town and lived in the same house. James' parents were still both alive and got on well with James and his new family. James was in a good job, now manager of the Red Lobster. Judy was working as a waitress at the same Red Lobster. Lucy went to the same school that James did and was getting good grades. James wasn't in any debt.
None of his family had any illness.
That is why the 2:46pm on the 4th of November 2005 was a strange day. Miles had had a particularly bad year and had been screwed over by his business partner in the drug business and was at the end of his rope. He couldn't ask his brother for more money so he decided to try blackmailing Daniel and Judy for their affair and demanding $50,000 or that he would tell James. Daniel and Judy both met at the gas station where Miles worked to discuss the situation.
Having Miles in a bad situation was good, as he then had to put the screws on Daniel and Judy. Creativity points here, although I'm not so sure about the fact that Judy would tell her drug dealing brother in law about her affair, even if the idea was to keep Daniel around.
Earlier that morning, James stumbled upon Judy's secret diary, as he went to put it back the page fell open mentioning the affair with Daniel. Enraged, James left and went to see his brother for advice. James, unfortunately didn't read the whole diary as he missed that his own brother was involved in the scandal.James walked into the gas station where he had once worked and upon finding Daniel and Judy there, accused them of the affair. They tried to deny it and as James tried to attack Daniel, Miles stepped in to stop him and let slip that he was involved too, even though it had been over for awhile. James demanded to know if Lucy was his and when they didn't respond immediately, he went berserk and grabbed the pistol that was kept under the cashier counter for break-ins and shot two customers, Daniel and Judy and a cashier, his brother Miles. It all happened so fast and James, aghast at his own actions, just went numb. He then casually walked out and drove away.
It wouldn't have been particularly clever for her to leave a diary confessing her deeds in her house, but apparently she did. I like the fact that you state how he got the gun and also that he didn't go out with the intent to kill. As with Bwind, you added to the stress he was under by creating the fact that Lucy wasn't his daughter. Also, unlike the other two, you gave a clearer reason as to why he killed the cashier.
He went to his daughters school at 3:00pm to pick her up as usual but then sat in the car, unsure what to do about the daughter he had raised, but then the police arrived and arrested him.
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