|
Can't really offer any constructive criticism other than to say that I think the second draft is better. I might switch the last phrase if it were me though. Instead of 'that will ultimatley help him find redemption' I'd word it 'who ultimatley helps him find redemption'. I'm not an English graduate though so you can take that with a pinch of salt. It's probably not all that relevant and your wording might be better/ gramatically correct anyway.
Good luck with the contest. Would like to see a taster of the script some time.
|