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Chapter 4
After my shower I splashed on some cologne and put on the suit that Jennifer had laid out for me. She was great at picking just the right outfit. I was in an all-black sport coat and black pants with a dark blue button down and a white tie. I slipped my rabbits foot over my neck and tucked it inside of the shirt. It looked great all put together. I had almost forgotten how good I looked when I cleaned up and put on clothes meant to be seen in public. Just then it hit me, there are going to be a lot of people at this thing. I haven’t been in a crowd in years, hell I wouldn’t even go to the grocery store. My heart started racing, I started sweating, and the room started spinning and then, nothing.
As my eyes opened I could see Jennifer’s face and a lot of light. I tried to sit up, but my head throbbed. I had passed out. Jennifer was helping me to my bed. She said “Michael, thank god you’re ok. I was so worried.” She cupped my face with her hand and sighed. I started to tell her that I loved her but caught myself before the words came out. Through all of the craziness she has been the one constant in my life for the last few years. There was a lot I wanted to say to her, but instead I just grumbled “I’m ok, what happened?” She said “I was in my room getting ready when I heard a loud bang from in here. I got here as fast as I could.” I thanked her and hugged her. She helped me to my feet. I was still a bit unsteady, but I was starting to feel better.
After brushing off my suit and making sure I looked my best, we headed downstairs. We walked down the hall, Jennifer slightly ahead of me and I made note of how incredible she looked in her brilliant dark green dress. After admiring the way her body moved as we walked down the hall I spoke up. “Jennifer…” She stopped and turned around. I asked “Why aren’t you wearing black? I mean it’s a funeral and I thought that was what you were supposed to do.” She smiled a little and replied “I know you’re supposed to, but I prefer to treat funerals like a celebration of a person’s life. I know I didn’t know your father, but from what I have heard he was a good man.” I shifted my eyes down and shook my head a little, “Let’s get downstairs, I’m sure mother is waiting.” During the rest of the walk down I thought about how incredibly upbeat she is and how much I wished I could look at the world through her eyes. I quick image flashed in front of my eyes, it was me in a dark room. I was sitting cross-legged in the center of the one light shining down from the ceiling and I was rolling a set of eyes around in my hand like baoding balls. I closed my eyes and shook my head back and forth and when I opened them I was standing outside in front of the car that mother had ordered. The driver was looking at me a little strange and holding the door open. My mother and Jennifer were already inside. I looked at the driver and could feel the anger radiating out of me at him. I think he felt it too because he changed his stance real quick. Straightened up, smiled and didn’t look into my eyes the rest of the day. I walked by him and stepped into the car. I could see my mother looking out the window on her side and could barely hear Jennifer trying to talk to her to no avail. The door slammed shut, the driver went around to his side of the car and got in. I watched as his face disappeared behind the rising divider between us and him. I felt like he was relieved.
The car drove down our long driveway silently. When we approached the great iron gates that kept the outside world away the car slowed slightly. The gates swung open automatically and closed behind us after we drove through. The car ride was a little weird. I was thinking deeply the entire time about all of the people I was getting ready to encounter and about how I was going to have to fake sadness all day. I would have to talk to these people who knew my father better than I ever had. I watched through the window as the trees of our forest slid by. I kept trying to see things in the branches, a face here, a cute little rabbit there. I watched as we drove out of the forest and I could see as we slowly approached Baltimore. The country melted away to the suburbs as the highway cruised by above them. Then the suburbs gave way to the outer city and the ghettos. I watched as people toiled away on the streets, as the drug addicts looked for their next fix and the prostitutes stood on the corners. Someday I felt like I could do some fantastic work in these streets. I thought about how most of these people wouldn’t be missed if they vanished, and the gears started turning. I think during this Jennifer tried to talk to mother some more and I believe she tried to talk to me as well, but I didn’t hear her or acknowledge her. I figured she would just brush it off as grief.
The rest of the way to the memorial was filled with me imagining all of the things that I could do out in the city. All of the different bodies that were moving around those streets and what they looked like from the inside. With a big deep breath and my eyes closed I could smell the blood, I could feel the slickness as it poured over my skin. Someday…
I felt the car come to a stop and the driver get out. I opened my eyes to the most beautiful old church, with huge stained glass windows and a giant bell tower. In my mind Quasimodo swung from tower to tower, watching the cars pull up and waiting for the appropriate time to strike the bells. I looked through the car window at the front of the church and all of the people walking around outside. There must have been a hundred just on the steps. They couldn’t all be here for the memorial could they? I looked at Jennifer and she said jokingly “Wow! There you are, I was starting to worry you slipped into a coma.” I smiled sarcastically at her and asked “Are all of these people here for dad?” “About four hundred if they all show up.” She said. I was shocked that my father knew so many people. I was more shocked that so many liked him enough to show up.
The driver popped the door open and stepped around behind it in order to give me room to get out. After I stepped out I turned around and offered my hand to Jennifer to help her out. Then my mother. As she came out she kissed me on the cheek and quietly thanked me. I could feel myself light up, I loved the affection. The whole time this was happening the driver kept his eyes straight ahead and didn’t look my way once. I love this sense of power.
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