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#11
08-11-2006, 08:08 AM
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:D
I have aspirations of perhaps doing it for a living someday, so i developed a thick skin a long time ago. butt Kissing is only good if it is followed by a huge check :)
__________________
Some misguided people decided I was funny enough to pay. See if they're right: http://www.cracked.com/members/Vodstok/ (I tweet pretty hardcore, too) 
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#13
08-12-2006, 11:46 AM
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my two cents
I like the lean, raw efficiency of the prose, but feel you may have lost an opportunity to increase the tension and impact. You mention the look of the creatures before they enter - I feel it would be more impactful to have the reader questioning what could possibly be trying to break into the room. Ratchet the tension with references to the protagonist's quick, stolen glances of the monsters before surprising by the reader with creatures' appearance when they finally bust through the door. Your style really suits screenwriting. Have you tried that form?
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#14
08-14-2006, 05:35 AM
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I spent 3 days straight making a detailed outline of a sci-fi action horror a couple of years ago. Then my hard drive crashed and i lost it... The outline itself was close to 50 pages....
I havent tried since.. I understand your suggestion and really do appreciate it, but i described them earlier to establish what it was exactly he was in for, oddly enough in an attempt to build tension. Diff'rent strokes and so on :)
__________________
Some misguided people decided I was funny enough to pay. See if they're right: http://www.cracked.com/members/Vodstok/ (I tweet pretty hardcore, too)
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#15
08-17-2006, 09:41 PM
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Good Story!
..and I actually liked the fact that you described the creatures at the beginning ,I could picture them throughout the story. Made it creepier in a way. I agree with Urge,the ending was good but needs tweeking, just a word or two changed.
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#16
09-18-2006, 12:37 PM
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"A smile cracked his broken face, and Mike was triumphant in his death, having denied the beasts a meal, and spared himself the torment of dying horribly."
How is that, better? or could it use more work?
__________________
Some misguided people decided I was funny enough to pay. See if they're right: http://www.cracked.com/members/Vodstok/ (I tweet pretty hardcore, too)
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#17
06-24-2007, 11:04 AM
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Shameless Self Promotion™
__________________
Some misguided people decided I was funny enough to pay. See if they're right: http://www.cracked.com/members/Vodstok/ (I tweet pretty hardcore, too)
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