since nobody reads the fiction forum im gonna post this here

[Hate_Breeder]

Originally posted by Vodstok
"You Stole mah story."

"I'm sorry, i dont know you."
"Well I know you, Mr Raney, and you stole mah story."


Sorry, just saw secret window this weekend. :)

Is it any good? Everybody on the site says its stupid..i love John Turtorro though, hes awesome

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
Saying "The streets seemed to shout out at him" has the same effect, and requires less restructuring.

Pretty intersting that it is written in second-person present-tense. that is pretty difficult to pull off and have it make sense. it reads more like a script than a story, which is pretty cool.

Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

[hellfire1]

you sound just like my old english teacher... i hated her :p lol

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by hellfire1
you sound just like my old english teacher... i hated her :p lol

Actually, I am the COOLEST English teacher in my school!! If not the coolest teacher OF THEM ALL!

Except for those kids who are willfully ignorant. I make their lives hard. ;)

[hellfire1]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack

Except for those kids who are willfully ignorant. I make their lives hard. ;)

yeah... i saw the pic !!! lol
but you do look really kewl... a bit sadistic, but cool nonetheless !

[jay o2 waster]

I think I have an idea for what it will be about. but i can't tell yah yet...

[jay o2 waster]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack
Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

the reason that she is so dominering is that the kid spends all of his time in his room, no matter what he could be doing.

FUCK YOU LIBERAL JEWS ASS NIGGERS

[jay o2 waster]

lolololol, i might be able to fit that in the plot somewhere

[Stingy Jack]

Yeah, I understand why the mom is saying that. But, what is a little odd is that she completely changes her personality and becomes "Brady Bunch Mom" right after she's yelling about her son's ass. It just comes off a little odd.