since nobody reads the fiction forum im gonna post this here

[Vodstok]

Originally posted by Stingy Jack
Okay, I hate to sound like the picky English teacher, but this is not written in second person. It would be second person if the main character was "you." As in "You pull your pillow over your head as your mother continues to rap on the door."

I would make a couple of suggestions, but I want to wait to see where it goes. There is one thing, though. The character of the mother -- her very first line gives us an immediate impression of her. That of the domineering bitch-mom. But, the character doesn't hold. In fact, the rest of her actions and comments seem as if they are made by someone who would never pound on the door and yell: "Get your ass out of bed!" But, the main character is holding well, and you do a good job of establishing time and place. This makes me think you are writing a novel. If it was a short story, you might want to introduce the conflict sometime soon.

Keep it up!

I stand corrected, and appreciate any further input you may supply :)

I was an awesome English student :D

[Vodstok]

Originally posted by Dr Pepper
Sammy David Jr :rolleyes:

Get it? He was black, and Jewish... No? Oh well. At any rate, banned in 9 posts, that must be some sort of record.

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
I stand corrected, and appreciate any further input you may supply :)

I was an awesome English student :D

LoL! I have no doubt about that. You were probably a little thrown by the present tense, which you really don't see much of in published writing. I'm not too fond of it, myself, but it certainly isn't incorrect to write that way. I see a lot of it in my writing class, and I think you really hit on something when you said "It reads like a screenplay." That just made me realize that this may just be THE reason why many of my students write in the present tense. They write as if they are describing a movie that they are watching -- seeing as most, if not all of them, are more used to stories being told on screen than in print. It is all so clear to me now.

[Vodstok]

I present to you "Nuggets of insight", they are like Hershey's nuggets, but with less chocolate :)

Actually, if you read any of my stuff and have any comments, corrections, i would appreciate any feedback. if they dont need any, then I am either really good, or you are pulling my leg :)

[Stingy Jack]

Originally posted by Vodstok
I present to you "Nuggets of insight", they are like Hershey's nuggets, but with less chocolate :)

Actually, if you read any of my stuff and have any comments, corrections, i would appreciate any feedback. if they dont need any, then I am either really good, or you are pulling my leg :)

I don't mind offering advice. Link me to what you consider your best story, and I will read it. I try to make my students read each other's work and have them offer at least one positive comment and one negative comment. It is so hard to get them to say anything negative about a peer's writing, though. They worry about insulting the writer. I have to start each semester by saying: "Nobody in this class is so great a writer that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything they write. When you critique a work by someone in this class, the negative comments are not meant to be insulting, but are made to help the author improve his or her work. Authors need this kind of constructive criticism, otherwise they will never get better." So, I spend a lot of time finding ways to improve my students' writing, since they absolutely refuse to do it for each other.

[Vodstok]

Hmmmm... I would say, at least out of what i have posted online, that Gloom is my best. At leaast, it is the hardest I have tried to be consistent with the actual quality of my writing as well as the content, where as usually I just trust my instincts with english and try to make the story itself the most important thing.

i have had it torn apart before, and have made many improvements, but until it is published in a book, there is always room for improvement :)

[Stingy Jack]

Okay, I'll check it out as soon as I get my printer working (it's just a matter of reinstalling the driver.) For some reason, I can't read fiction on a screen. I tried to get one of those e-books and I just ended up selling it. Never got into it.

[Egekrusher]

I was also an awesome English student. I was one of those kids who, without even trying, could get straight A's in all of my classes. Hell, I rarely did homework, but never got below an A- in any of my classes. That was enough to get me at least a C in all of them. I didn't even have to read the books. I'd half-sleep through class, kind of paying attention, and still know more than the other students. Quite a shame, really, because who knows where I'd be now if it wasn't for that attitude. I was getting straight A's in Algebra... in 6th grade. Then I got into drugs and stopped caring about school. I started getting depressed shortly before I started doing drugs, and then they just made it so much worse. I'm lucky to still be alive today. I'm 20 years old now, and I've done and seen more things than any person should. I've done everything except for stick a needle in my arm. Crack, coke, meth, weed, exctasy, etc. You name it I've done it. I know I did some massive brain damage. My IQ, even back in 5th grade, was 150. If I had stayed on the same path, who knows what it may have been today. Instead, now I struggle to remember people's names. I suffer from mental illnesses that are, for the most part, self inflicted. Alas, I am slowly regaining my coherence and defeating the depression that has been so mind numbingly oppressive for so many years.

Drugs are bad, mmmmmkay?

[BudMan]

Gloom is a very good read. Check it out Stingy.


Good to see ya getting on your feet ege.

[Egekrusher]

Thanks Bud. I need all the encouragement I can get.