Greetings, kids. It's been a while. You all can thank Repo for this mess.
House on Haunted Hill (1999)
Before they even get to the house, two things cross my mind:
- Vincent Price's character is named Price. omg
- This amusement park needs to be a real thing.
Pritchett is annoying the piss out of me. His dedication to get the hell out instead of staying to collect the money is admirable, but he doesn't set up why he wants to leave so bad, instead he pisses and moans like a ten year old, and waits to warn them AFTER it's too late.
The Prices' are decent in this, they are much more obviously menacing towards each other, the wife not denying she's an adulterer. It's a modern take I s'pose, taking away the subtle 'hate your guts' play that the original had. Instead of killing his wife with a champagne cork, we get wife holds gun at husbands head. Instead of humor, we get suspense that's predictable and therefore not all that suspenseful because of course she's not going to pull the fucking trigger.
The house is great and I am an Asylum fangirl over its history. "Dr. Vannacutt liked to zap his patients in multiples of 18. More energy efficient." Nice. The house is left about the way it was when a fire killed all the patients during a riot in the 30s. A room full of weird mummy corpse looking displays somehow made it through the blaze and welcomes them on their little tour of the house.
A vat of blood tries to drown Eddie (ex-pro bball player) and Sara (something about an actor but she's not an actor idk or care). Melissa (cameraman or something) disappears in a trail of blood after seeing an operation of sorts through her camera screen only. And with that it takes away all the element that the original had. There is no question IF the house is haunted, the house IS in fact haunted. Instead of a marriage gone haywire that causes a chain of events happening that have both the audience and the characters question their sanity on if the house is haunted or not, we know practically going in that it's haunted. This isn't House on Haunted Hill anymore. It's a cliche slasher film.
So they hear an electric buzzing and find Mrs. Price getting her brains fried like an egg. They conclude she's dead (well duh), and the hubby goes on a gun happy rampage in his grief and Eddie has to beat some sense back into him. My questions are thus, why does he care if she's dead when he was always acting like he would have no problems with killing her himself? And why am I still watching this?
The Doctor is left to watch Price when they stuff him in a vault, and he then pulls a lever after hearing him demand to be let out, and walks away. Price then proceeds to have a bad acid trip inside the fault.
We find out where Doc ran off to and turns out he has something going on with the wife and SURPRISE. She's not dead. But now he is. Eddie and Sara still stuck with Pritchett wonder why Doctor Blackburn hasn't come back yet. The scene went something like this:
Eddie and Sara: Where's Blackburn?
Pritchett: He's dead.
Eddie and Sara: Blackburn!!
Pritchett: He's dead.
Dumb and Dumber: hE is not Shuddap, Pritchett!
*they open a door and his headless body falls out of the room*
Eddie and Sara: OMG HE'S DEAD!!!1!1ONE!
Mrs. Price tricks Sara into killing Mr. Price but Mr. Price was wearing a bullet proof vest and tries to kill Mrs. Price. He throws her through a wall and an ink blot eats her before trying to get him as well, but gets Pritchett instead.
They run, have an epiphany that Pritchett told them in scene one that the house is alive, and the building starts to crumble and shake around them. Price hits things in the lab, accidentally finds a way out, says something witty, and they all run for the exit.
Price saves Sara because she's a fucking moron and doesn't know how to use her legs and he dies. She still doesn't move so Eddie saves her and misses the door and it closes, but Pritchett's ghost opens it and saves his ass.
They then sit on the sill outside the building and watch the sun rise. SOMEHOW the check for 5m is found outside on the sill with them, and they question how to get down. Well if Eddie has any fucking brains, he'd push the stupid bitch off for getting so many people fucking killed!!! Her problem solved!
My opinion on this remake? ...Take it away Scream 4!
Best part of the movie was the end credits. And I'm not just saying that because it's over but because I enjoy Marilyn Manson's cover for Sweet Dreams.