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Old 08-20-2015, 04:05 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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I'm going to try a "watch and post" thing ::SPOILER HEAVY::


I'm putting full blame for this on Repo'd.


I don't know if people take much stock on my opinions in movies, but I'm going to tell you them anyway.


We love horror movies, no matter how cheesy they may be. But let's face it, even if some make it to the list of classics or cult favorites, they're still hellafun to make fun of. After all, no movie is perfect. Especially those from the great movie eras of the 70s and 80s. Today's aren't much better and in my opinion are spread far and few in between as far as a good flick, so there's always the chance of one of those sneaking their way in here.

I can't make a video to save my life, so these will be random written things. Images and probably gifs. Spoiler heavy to warn you, and they'll likely be more entertaining if you've seen the movie, but if you don't care about spoilers go ahead and read on anyway.

Considering it's Thursday, I might make this an every Thursday thing. Give or take a day depending on work.


Reviews on the reviews are welcome and encouraged.

...I think that's it.



- Frogs
- Trespassing (Evil Remains)
- Mexican Werewolf in Texas
- Wes Craven's New Nightmare
- Hills Have Eyes (2006)
- House on Haunted Hill (1999)
- An American Ghost Story
- Dark Moon Rising
- The Diabolical
- Neverlake
- Uncaged
- Dark Moon Rising (2015)
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Last edited by Roiffalo; 04-07-2016 at 02:39 AM.
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Old 08-20-2015, 04:08 PM
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Looking forward to it, and REALLY nice work on the art!
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Old 08-20-2015, 04:09 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Frogs (repost from Last Seen 70s/80s topic)

Frogs
I know the title alone will probably turn at least two of you away. Continue at your own risk.
::SPOILER HEAVY:: (I don't know how to review so read my rambles while I watch it)

So many adorable frogs. I can't wait to see how they'll kill people.

*half an hour of movie in*

OOOOOOH MY GOD SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO DIE ALREADY. They found ONE body and it wasn't even a big deal. Didn't even look messed up. Could've fell and broke his neck for all anyone knows.

And there's so many frog shots. I'm starting to hear voices when we see them. They get about as much screen time as the actors without even saying a damn thing.



FINALLY! Our first kill. And it's dumb as fuck. The guy's leg randomly gets a hole in it, then for some reason is attacked by moss and tarantulas... And there was also a scorpion... Are those arachnids even IN the south? The guy's leg gets disabled yet he can't crush the creatures with his hands... I guess once you lose a leg you lose the ability to use your brain too.

Second guy goes via lizards. I keep random jars of poison in my greenhouse, don't you?

The third is giving me snakes on a plane flashbacks. ...This movie is about killer FROGS right? I mean they did only name the movie after them.

Fourth goes by gators. After he mud wrestles with them for a little bit that is. I'm convinced at this point that the frogs are the masterminds behind all this, and therefore the big finale. I hope they go for the stupid grandfather.

...I think the fifth was water snakes but the best is certainly the sixth via snapping turtle. That's what you get for being stupid enough to go in the water.

"Where are Mommy and Daddy?" Well kids let's just say you qualify to be a superhero now.

Funny how the treehugger was the only one smart enough to actually hit back when nature attacked.

Called the ending. I still say the frogs organized everything. Clever bastards. Otherwise their whole purpose of the film was to annoy their victims to death and hop menacingly.


If you want a dumb horror movie to watch for the 4th of July, go right ahead and stick in Frogs. Make sure to stick around for ALL the credits.

PS: Sam Elliott's face was fucking glorious before the mustache

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Old 08-20-2015, 04:11 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Repo'd View Post
Looking forward to it, and REALLY nice work on the art!
Thank you, Repo'd!
It was a dumb idea that came to mind before bed last night so I scribbled it and thought it'd make a good introduction.
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Old 08-20-2015, 04:12 PM
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Dude Guadalupe Dude Guadalupe is offline
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I've thought of doing something like an audio version this as an add on to my youtube channel. Kinda like the way rifftrax or MST3K did it, only focused on horror.

It's a good idea. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.
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Old 08-20-2015, 04:16 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dude Guadalupe View Post
I've thought of doing something like an audio version this as an add on to my youtube channel. Kinda like the way rifftrax or MST3K did it, only focused on horror.

It's a good idea. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.
My girlfriend encourages me heavily to make it an audio review, but even if I didn't hate my voice I have NO idea how to go about it. I have no skills with videos and no patience what so ever for them. I think the written is just as effective anyway if I can somehow get my words to come out right. Needs more stupid screencaps though I think.

And thanks much! I was a little encouraged by your videos to be honest. 8)
I'm afraid of spoilers so I don't often get to watch and comment on them though.
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Old 08-20-2015, 04:34 PM
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Dude Guadalupe Dude Guadalupe is offline
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The hardest thing I've had to do was accept my own voice. Going through all the editing and hearing myself talk is so weird sometimes. Usually by the time I'm done, I never want to hear myself again...at least until it's time to make the next video. It gets easier though.

As for spoilers, I like to think that I don't ruin too much of the movie with them. I don't know how well that works out though. So far, I think The Bloofer Lady is the only one to admit to not having seen something I've reviewed.

Your review was pretty good. Since I've seen the movie a few times, I knew exactly what you were talking about.

If you ever decide to try audio or video, I can try to help you with the basics. Just let me know.
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Old 08-27-2015, 05:29 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dude Guadalupe View Post
The hardest thing I've had to do was accept my own voice. Going through all the editing and hearing myself talk is so weird sometimes. Usually by the time I'm done, I never want to hear myself again...at least until it's time to make the next video. It gets easier though.

As for spoilers, I like to think that I don't ruin too much of the movie with them. I don't know how well that works out though. So far, I think The Bloofer Lady is the only one to admit to not having seen something I've reviewed.

Your review was pretty good. Since I've seen the movie a few times, I knew exactly what you were talking about.

If you ever decide to try audio or video, I can try to help you with the basics. Just let me know.
I'll try them out then. If anything maybe they'll help me try something new. ^^

I'm glad you liked it! Can't promise they'll get better but hey I hope they entertain.

Will do! Thanks so much, Dude. 8)
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Old 08-27-2015, 05:30 PM
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I have no idea what to title today's movie. I found it on Netflix where it's called 'Evil Remains', but during the opening credits they refer to it as 'Trespassing'.
-

I expected your cliche abusive southern family with our opening scene, but what a twist. The son is actually quite insane. When your kid strangles the family pet, that's a red flag right there to either send it away or kill it with fire. ...Ironically suggested before the mother is killed.

And the next scene has Daniel Gillies (Vampire Diaries, Originals) and Kurtwood Smith (That 70's Show) and I lose my shit. Gillies plays a grad student working on a thesis interviewing Smith's character who's a doctor of sorts. I'm guessing a therapist since he's talking about the Bryce kid who killed his parents.

The Bryce family was supposedly residence on a property that was cursed. Some bitch who had slaves back in the day was abusive and lights her home on fire with her slaves still inside. ...That's not so much a curse so much as more evidence that the place is likely cursed. Seeing as the kid also did the same to his mother.

Grad student (Mark I think) of course doesn't believe in the curse and intends to go to this place, and take all his idiot friends with him. But first! Let's play cards at a frat party! You guys are so hardcore.

Oh and lesbians. I don't see why that's important but they spent too much time on it so I guess it's important so I'm mentioning it.

Finally road trip time. Lots of nice eerie scenery on the way I must say. Especially that ass end of the van. The grounds are nice, house is nice. Mark tells comedy relief to shut up and drama occurs. That scene went no where but to strengthen my hope that he dies.

We've already split up at this point. The girls having gone for a walk and come across a fuck ton of traps in the forest. Saving a pet rabbit and found a human skull. ...Forgetting about the human skull moments later.

Two pointless transitions later, comedy relief who's also the sound guy (Eric) thinks he hears something and calls Mark over, who debunks it as Tyler the camera guy in the basement. Tyler is indeed in the basement, and loud crashes bring him upstairs. Runs into Mark and they start a weird bitch fit. Just make out already.

Now I know Gillies can act. So what is with him and the wall... it's bleeding and he's practically molesting it. No don't cry it's nothing to cry over. Where can I abort movie. Yes go in the attic. Anything but what you're doing now. Welp we found comic relief. Figured he'd be the first to die. Mark is between himself killing Eric or his younger brother the camera guy killing him.

Oh hay the lesbians suddenly remember the skull. ...Sure, honey. You tell yourself it's just a novelty toy.

Tyler mouthed off to Mark about their abusive daddy and walked into a trap of some sort... I think it impaled his torso... I can't see what the hell happened to him. He's just dead now k.

At this point I can't tell if Mark is scared or going crazy... probably the later. And Tyler's body somehow walked away. After a few weird camera angles Mark attacks a window and gets out of the attic, only to fall off the roof and get pulled back inside.

The lesbians see him but don't heed his warning, running towards the house like character fodder and fall in a cellar. Crawling further in the one with dreads appears to be going crazy. Surprisingly the blond (Christie I think) is the strong female in this. Dreds is going nuts. Gee I wonder if this place really IS cursed. Cursed to make everyone over dramatic to the point of killing them to make them shut up.

The killer wearing a mask made of a canine skull and fur comes downstairs and the two make a run for it, using the flash of a camera in the basement that Tyler left behind. Dredlocks' leg is bad so she falls and Christie goes to help her up... and I have to rewind cause a second later Dreds is at a window and blondie is following? Movie you're drunk stop.

And we're outsiiiide and we're runningggg. Dreds bitches about her legs but she still runs. They make it to the van but the steering wheel comes off. ...CONVENIENT.

"He's going to kill us. And it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt when he kills us." Best line.

Come on blondie just kill her. She asked for it and she's slowing you down and being VERY rude. Bipolar rude. ''I'm scared, i want to go home, HE'S NOT THE KILLER THAT GUY'S DEAD DAMMIT.''

"Oh nooooo poison oak! I'll be itching for days!" *gets stabbed* I think that's the least of your problems.

So the lone blond keeps running and finds a random barn with a guy welding inside it. She talks him into calling the cops and he's just giggly as fuck to the guy on the other end. His back's to the door. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

If you have half a braincell you assume he gets dead and you get a cookie. Going after blondie she runs to the highway and makes it across the road. Dog face isn't so lucky and gets hit by a semi. I'm sure he's fiiiiiiiiine.

FOUR YEARS LATER.
Some ignorant bitch is questioning the good doctor about Christie with this rumor or whatever that she was the one that killed everyone. Doc should've threatened to put his foot up her ass if she went to that house. I think it would've been more effective. Instead he tells her to do her research. ...HELPFUL. She'll be next to die after the creds roll.

It's no wonder Kurtwood didn't want to be credited in this. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IMDB THOUGH, RED.


(I wanted to add some screencaps but my computer is being a bitch and I'm drawing blanks, so you'll have to deal with my asshole remarks for today.)
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  #10  
Old 08-28-2015, 01:30 AM
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One of the worst movies I've ever seen... Which makes it a great choice for a rant!
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