Dear America... Yours Lovingly...The Uk

[ShankS]

Dear America and US Citizens.

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation


:D

[Haunted]

*Applauds* That was funny Did you write it?

Wish the Englsh would come bacl over and says "All revocations this line please.

[Vodstok]

We arent bright enough to follow those, ShankS. Unfortunately, when Americans get confused, we tend tp hit things with a big stick.


And being a big country, we can hold a BIG stick ;)


How's this, youguy scant take over, BUT, you can borrow our government and use them to show, in graphic detail, what the english did to William Wallace. Continue until you run out of people to demonstrate on.

[DraculaInDallas]

LMFAO!!!!!!!! That was funny ShankSie.....

I think I might be one of the 2.15 %. I think I'd fit in quite nicely over there in the UK for the following reasons......

1. I think I'm smart enough to spell donut er I mean doughnut.

2. I love English Football....Glory, Glory Man Utd......Arsenal sucks

3. Nothing better than thick wedge cut fries, er I mean chips. My favorite meal at a London type pub I used to eat at was bangers & mash.....excellent !!!

4. I liked Daphne's accent. Actually I thought she was quite good looking, I'd give her the old meat stick

5. I like a good Euro sportscar as much as the next guy but I don't think I'd give up my '72 Blazer or '69 Camaro SS. Just wouldn't drive them as much at $6 a gallon for gas, er I mean petrol.

6. Not to sure I could give up my guns though. Everyone here in Texasshire carrys a gun. No permits needed ;)

7. Don't think I could give up baseball although I wouldn't mind giving cricket a try with that funny flat bat. And since I'm a Yankee fan you can put as much sea salt as you want in those dumb ass Boston chowder heads tea!!!

8. Did I mention I'd like to give Daphne the high hard one?

9. As far as warm beer, hell beers beer. I'm sure Mr. Newb aka Budman would concur!!!!!!!! cold , warm, keep them coming!!!

10. Since JFK was killed here in my city of Dallasshire I have to say the Mafia was behind it :confused:

11. Did I tell you I'd love to bonk Daphne???????

12. I think we'll take Queen Elizabeth and you can have George W
It's a even swap, one Bush for another :D and you can change your national anthem to God save the "W"

13. I thought that British actor, Adrian Paul, played a pretty good Highlander.......not bad with a katana....

14. One last thing, did I mention I'd love to bang Daphne???? I'd love to here her scream in that "cock"ney accent

15. Well I have to go now. Need to get to my lawyers office before it closes so I can sue my therapist for having a lumpy couch....

16. Did I mention I'd love to fuck Daphne???????? :D

Thank you sir for your co-operation ;) :D

[Vodstok]

:D
FREEEDOOMMMM!!!!!

Dont mess with texasshire.....

[DraculaInDallas]

Originally posted by Vodstok
:D
FREEEDOOMMMM!!!!!

Dont mess with texasshire.....

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA rotflmfao!!!!!!!! :D :D

[Vodstok]

English words and phrases that i do \think should be assimilated into MS's "American English":

Snog
"Pissed on our chips"
Randy (Americans use it,but not enough)
Bloke
Mate
Footy
Queen (ie: A Monarch, not a man with wonderful fashion sense in women's apparel)

For the record, i thought that was funny as hell Shanks. Didnt want anyone to think that i was raging with patriotic fury.

I will reply for the rest of America. I will adress every issue raised by the list, in order.

"Um, what? I cant understand your accent. Oh,k and our collective literacy rate bars us from understanding 90.0000007% of what you wrote. "

[taylorsmommy]

that was really funny shanks - i would love to live in england since the dipshits here reelected the asshole

[Vodstok]

Response from those who can read, but still dont get it (literate Rednecks)

1. The New American Dictionary has the words "Shit" and "Dick". hehe.....:) Like, You know?

2. Not using the "u" is more efficient. This is why we have turned everything into and acronym:
KFC
BK
TGIFridays
GWB
ICBINB (2 points to whoever guesses what this one is)

3. Autralian is the one with kanagroos, right? "G'day, roo. I'm from London, cheerio" (and you call us

ignorant.....)

And we know what a shire is. Thats where hobbits come from, right?

4. English people are bad. Unless they are a butler. Or a Nanny. But not a "Oh pear". they shake babies and

are worse than Tavington from "The Patriot".

5. We cant. it would have to be "Undefined Deity of whatever religion you happen to believe in, if you

happen to believe in a deity or deities, or a benevolent force... wait, where was i? Oh yeah, somebody save

queens."


6. Rugby? Is that like a Bumble Bee? I got stung by one once, it hurt. Keep your damn bees....


7. You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands, you damn dirty Englishman...:D
we need guns, the simpsins said so:
They are for self defense, killing delicious or dangerous animals, and keeping the king of England from

pushing us around.

8. Shutting down the 4th of July will take jobs from thousands of Fireworks manufacturers, emergency room

technicians, and nuisance case lawyers. You wanna destroy our economy?

9. Anyone who doesnt drive an SUV that uses 7 gallons per mile on the freeway is a commie pussy. there, i

said it.


10. "French" refers to the Julian cut of the potato. When they made their way over here, that was a common

reference. Plus, french people are just really snotty english people, right?

11. Whats a gram? Tea? Iced tea? That comes in bottles....

12. BUDWIESER RULES! WHOOOO! PBR Kicks Ass too!

13. We could always use our own reserves and lower the price... Just a suggestion...

14. I take offence to this statement. you will be hearing from my lawyer.

15. The government framed Oswald. It was the CIA. Oh yeah, and we left because of "taxation without representaiton".We already have the IRS to do that for us.

[jay o2 waster]

AHAHAHAHAH that is the best