I'm going to try a "watch and post" thing ::SPOILER HEAVY::

[Roiffalo]

I had off work tonight and found a bad movie on YouTube.

...So you guys are getting spoiled with two reviews tonight!

-

Mexican Werewolf in Texas
(This one's on YouTube!)

They took the climatic reveal of the werewolf away within the first five seconds after the opening credits (which had a really rad song). That's no fun, now what will I look forward to? Certainly not all the racism and bad acting.



Just so you guys know, tents make bad shelter from Mexican werewolves.



Then the chupacabra hunter shows up. He talks so fast it's like the actor is trying to get through his lines as fast as possible to get his time in this done and over with as fast as possible.

The kids have the bright idea to hunt the werewolf/chupacabra by using a goat as bait. One of the kids wearing some of it's blood like facepaint to lure it out. ...Then going off with his girlfriend to shag in the tumbleweeds. Smart. I'm sure you can guess what happens to these two from here.



Typical idiot blond SOMEHOW got away. Why. For the love of GOD... The Cops come across her in a booth with her girlfriends and she's just fine. She wonders if Tommy thought of her as he was getting mauled when the local law enforcement ask her what happened. As she's explaining, the movie flashes back FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. We were there, movie! The flashbacks WERE NOT needed.

The vet and his round table of buddies is approached by his (I'm assuming) assistant. She asks if she can take care of a call to help a backed up cow if she can have the next morning off and he agrees. As she walks away the vet comments how she'll make a great vet someday. Did you call it like I did that she wouldn't even make it to the end of the movie? Yes? Aren't you clever.

Locals and law enforcement start to panic and go hunting and naturally they panic over nothing and one of them ends up shooting one of their own in the leg. Brilliant. That's about as smart as WolfCop's annual 'Drink and Shoot'.



A few characters that are a bit entertaining are relatives of the main character. An old dude with a hearing aid that either works too well or not at all, and a fat guy with an eye patch who looks after him. The older guy is much smarter than the younger was. Cars apparently make better shelters, he lives to tell a great story about the "chuchuqueera" ripping Patchy the Redneck to pieces. They flashback again naturally for this.

Cut to the racist parents doing dishes together. And by that I mean she bitches and whines and he holds a fork over her back for a contemplating moment. Do it. We both know you want to.

These scenes can get so random. Cut to some bitch stopping at the butcher only for him to ALMOST rape her which went nowhere and suddenly the chupacabra comes out of nowhere to eat him while she uses furniture as a shield. Yes. Hide behind a chair. Noooo way it can get you there.



Next day racist dad discovers his daughter her bf talking over a walkie talkie wave length using a radio. He throws some stuff in a bag and takes off. In the middle of the desert he reveals he's got a suit of fur and a fork... That's more unsettling than creepy. Moron approaches the shack where the boy's staked out and gets himself shot at. Chupey thankfully finds him first and he gets softly mauled.

I love this movie's solution to a car stall cliche. Chupacabra attacks and one of the girls screams to distract it, so naturally the blond flashes it. I just love the look on the things face. It actuallly worked. the fucker just stands and stares for a moment like, "What. What do I do? Do I eat it?"



Truck starts up, they run it over a few times, racist dad tries to stab the vet who picked him up when he found him on the side of the road, only to be tranqued by the chupecabra hunter who just didn't need to be in this movie at ALL.

Happy ending yada yada yada jump scare.

[Roiffalo]

Originally Posted by Giganticface

One of the worst movies I've ever seen... Which makes it a great choice for a rant!

Thank you! I play them by ear really. I have seen worse than this but it's hard to review a movie with TOO MUCH wrong. You just end up with a wall of text that you know nobody will read. Actually had to take some out of the one I just posted.

[Repo'd]

That sounds like a horrible film watching experience.

Thanks for the share AND the warning!

[Roiffalo]

Originally Posted by Repo'd

That sounds like a horrible film watching experience.

Thanks for the share AND the warning!

It's what I'm here for.


...not really but it's what this topic is here for

[Roiffalo]

I had my Wes Craven-thon yesterday, and for two I got on a little bit of a rant. It was unexpected.

Originally Posted by Roiffalo

Wes Craven's New Nightmare
::SPOILERS:: (I went a little ramble crazy I'm sorry)

I can see why people might not think much of this. The opening scene even for a dream is hammy, and could Robert England be any more of an attention whore? But that's what Freddy is right? I'm not to experienced with this franchise so I'll keep most of my opinions to myself.

Wes Craven himself is on set in the first scene and that just made everything okay. Think my eyes are sweating idk

I really want one of those rotating dinosaur nightlights. I keep seeing them in movies and I just think they're so damn cool. And speaking of dinosaurs, how adorable is Dylan using his stuffed t-rex as his guard.

The husband dies and she keeps getting warnings about how horrible the body looks. ...My cats have brought me more gruesome bodies to my doorstep.

But good lord all the original cast at the funeral... I can't help but think of the funeral being for Wes. And then he shows up again like; It's okay. Horror never ends.

Honestly, WHY do people keep trying to make kids scary... The kid ties knives to his hands and goes after mom. Even in a dream that's not scary. Kids are easy to overpower, don't try to convince me a lone child screaming and going after you is dangerous. Or at least life threatening.

Shame about the babysitter. I liked her.

Here's an idea. When going after your kid walking towards a VERY busy highway, instead of climbing over the fence when you have a fully functioning vehicle, DRIVE THROUGH IT.

What's crazy about this film is that even though it looks like it could be late 90s early 2000s, it's from 1994. Hard to tell until they use effects. Then it's painfully obvious.

The blending of the two worlds in the end was gradual but quick at the same time... I have no idea how but it was actually pretty awesome. The movie plays out like a dream from here. Like when you dream you're one place wearing something then for some reason your suddenly in different clothes at a different place and time. It's actually eerie.

I don't have anything to really complain about from here. The dreamworld was fun and fucked up like it should be. Robert England was as fun and dangerous as ever. (About a broken jar of snakes: "Pick a pet for the rugrat, BITCH.")

Curious about the random grey streak in her hair. Was this a reference to an earlier Elm Street film or homage to Poltergeist?

Originally Posted by Roiffalo

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
::SPOILERS:: can't keep my opinions to myself today

I actually saw this before the original, and believe it or not I liked the remake BETTER. Surely I was ill. I'm watching them in reverse this time after not having seen them in so long. I watched the original first and now it's the remake turn. Makes me wonder if the order you watch a movie really effects your opinion on it. It seems to mine. Already I'm nit picking ''well that was rushed'', ''your character in the original wasn't a twat like you'', yada yada.

The biggest and most annoying change is the characters. The old man at the station is a douche who instead of warning them intentionally sends them too the hillbilly cannibals, the father and son in law are so dramatic and the younger mopes while the elder takes every chance he can get to poke at him.

-after getting stranded by a spike strip in the middle of the desert-
"Next year I'm going on vaca with my friends!"
"We won't have any more of these family trips you know."
OH THE IRONY.

OMG SHUT UUUUUUUP. The son in law doesn't take a gun because he's a liberal or something stupid. ...In the original it was because he wanted to make sure the rest of the family staying behind had a weapon in case something happened. Oh, no, this was a MUUUUCH better route.

And I thought the blood effects in the original were bad. That has nothing on poor Beauty's demise in the remake. I have more realistic looking stuffed animals.

The canyon of abandoned cars was a nice touch. Excellent actually. I got fucking chills when he finds a baby's car seat because you know what happened to that infant..

Backstory through newspaper clippings is lazy and stupid.

The cannibals bother me... In the original only two of them were a little abnormal... but all of them are deformed in one way or another in this. Yeah that's just what America needs. More influences to be judgmental. "See someone with a cleft pallet? They're probably going to kill you." In the original they didn't have deformities. They were monsters without having to look the part. That kind of message has a greater impact and means something. Wait, sorry, this is horror. Those rules go out the door right?

The deaths in this certainly are more bloody. They take away every fucking moment. Remember that touching scene where son-in-law finds his dead wife and he begs her not to go and cries over her body? Nope. They blew her brains out in this and used her for a jump scare so they could use bitchface son in law for more drama.

I remember at least the ending was better in the remake. It'ssss... about matched maybe? The movie moves so fast up til this point. Just. Explain this, explain that, do this quick so we can get to that. When the boy told them Beauty was gone he just blurted it out. That's the whole movie. Just blurted out.

The end though we slow down and move with son in law. We get to experience tension and let the scares build up a little. And we also see son in law become a big boy. Suddenly a badass covered in blood and sweat and no glasses. The best part of the movie when he got the blood lust flowin'. Makes me wonder how he raised his daughter after this.

Now let's see how the kids are doing.
Running from a cannibal with no gun while you actually have one... I see a flaw in this plan, do you? Who are these random ass cannibals anyway? Please tell me that wasn't Papa Jupe. And again no suspense with that fight scene...

Completely sucks about Ruby. Saw it coming though. "Monsters" seldom live happily ever after. Even if they saved your baby.


Beast doesn't deserve these people.

I'll do a proper review soon I'm sure. Complete with terrible screencaps.

[Roiffalo]

Greetings, kids. It's been a while. You all can thank Repo for this mess.


House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Before they even get to the house, two things cross my mind:
- Vincent Price's character is named Price. omg
- This amusement park needs to be a real thing.

Pritchett is annoying the piss out of me. His dedication to get the hell out instead of staying to collect the money is admirable, but he doesn't set up why he wants to leave so bad, instead he pisses and moans like a ten year old, and waits to warn them AFTER it's too late.

The Prices' are decent in this, they are much more obviously menacing towards each other, the wife not denying she's an adulterer. It's a modern take I s'pose, taking away the subtle 'hate your guts' play that the original had. Instead of killing his wife with a champagne cork, we get wife holds gun at husbands head. Instead of humor, we get suspense that's predictable and therefore not all that suspenseful because of course she's not going to pull the fucking trigger.

The house is great and I am an Asylum fangirl over its history. "Dr. Vannacutt liked to zap his patients in multiples of 18. More energy efficient." Nice. The house is left about the way it was when a fire killed all the patients during a riot in the 30s. A room full of weird mummy corpse looking displays somehow made it through the blaze and welcomes them on their little tour of the house.

A vat of blood tries to drown Eddie (ex-pro bball player) and Sara (something about an actor but she's not an actor idk or care). Melissa (cameraman or something) disappears in a trail of blood after seeing an operation of sorts through her camera screen only. And with that it takes away all the element that the original had. There is no question IF the house is haunted, the house IS in fact haunted. Instead of a marriage gone haywire that causes a chain of events happening that have both the audience and the characters question their sanity on if the house is haunted or not, we know practically going in that it's haunted. This isn't House on Haunted Hill anymore. It's a cliche slasher film.

So they hear an electric buzzing and find Mrs. Price getting her brains fried like an egg. They conclude she's dead (well duh), and the hubby goes on a gun happy rampage in his grief and Eddie has to beat some sense back into him. My questions are thus, why does he care if she's dead when he was always acting like he would have no problems with killing her himself? And why am I still watching this?

The Doctor is left to watch Price when they stuff him in a vault, and he then pulls a lever after hearing him demand to be let out, and walks away. Price then proceeds to have a bad acid trip inside the fault.

We find out where Doc ran off to and turns out he has something going on with the wife and SURPRISE. She's not dead. But now he is. Eddie and Sara still stuck with Pritchett wonder why Doctor Blackburn hasn't come back yet. The scene went something like this:

Eddie and Sara: Where's Blackburn?

Pritchett: He's dead.

Eddie and Sara: Blackburn!!

Pritchett: He's dead.

Dumb and Dumber: hE is not Shuddap, Pritchett!

*they open a door and his headless body falls out of the room*

Eddie and Sara: OMG HE'S DEAD!!!1!1ONE!

Mrs. Price tricks Sara into killing Mr. Price but Mr. Price was wearing a bullet proof vest and tries to kill Mrs. Price. He throws her through a wall and an ink blot eats her before trying to get him as well, but gets Pritchett instead.

They run, have an epiphany that Pritchett told them in scene one that the house is alive, and the building starts to crumble and shake around them. Price hits things in the lab, accidentally finds a way out, says something witty, and they all run for the exit.

Price saves Sara because she's a fucking moron and doesn't know how to use her legs and he dies. She still doesn't move so Eddie saves her and misses the door and it closes, but Pritchett's ghost opens it and saves his ass.

They then sit on the sill outside the building and watch the sun rise. SOMEHOW the check for 5m is found outside on the sill with them, and they question how to get down. Well if Eddie has any fucking brains, he'd push the stupid bitch off for getting so many people fucking killed!!! Her problem solved!

My opinion on this remake? ...Take it away Scream 4!



Best part of the movie was the end credits. And I'm not just saying that because it's over but because I enjoy Marilyn Manson's cover for Sweet Dreams.

[Repo'd]

I think I liked it a wee bit more than you did.

[Roiffalo]

What the hell. As posted in "Last Seen Contemporary":

-

An American Ghost Story

Omg I'm dying. I might have to make this one a review because the first, the FIRST thing that starts to act weird, drives the wife to act like a lunatic.

Chairs move and cabinets open in AAGS:


Chairs move and cabinets open in Poltergeist:

(Rephrased for comedic effect, but you get the idea. Diane Freeling handled her situation like a boss. This woman in this movie is a bag of cats and will not be missed.)

If these people can't get past cabinets trying to fly and an AOL mail notification, then they're screwed.

Rest of the movie is the writer guy being an idiot. Who lives in a haunted house KNOWING what happened in it and how many lives were ruined because of the spirits inside? Apparently this moron! To sum up this movie, if you're afraid of bed sheet ghosts, then this movie will traumatize you.

ONE scene in Beetlejuice summarizes why this movie does NOT work and was likely made my high school kids:




Jeezus, one more movie like this and I start an old reliable marathon of classic slashers and monsters.

[Repo'd]

" A bag of cats" LMFAO!!!

[Roiffalo]

I'll take that as a successful review despite being so short.