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  #21  
Old 01-19-2016, 10:40 PM
Morningriser Morningriser is offline
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This thread has been so hilarious!
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  #22  
Old 01-20-2016, 03:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Roiffalo View Post
I'll take that as a successful review despite being so short.
I consider it a RAVE review! Hilarious.
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  #23  
Old 01-21-2016, 01:06 AM
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I'm glad you guys enjoy
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  #24  
Old 01-26-2016, 04:02 AM
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Dark Moon Rising (2009)

Movie starts with two guys getting mauled. NO IDEA by what.

I have little hopes for this movie going in when I see the credits are given to us in Papyrus (although giving the movie credit at least it wasn't Comic Sans). And our fist scene takes place in a par with some dirty old pervert talking about Viagra like it's the biggest thing since fucking sliced bread.

Drifter comes into town, asks for job, gets job. It was very blunt. His new job is at a garage where a girl talks to him and he's a complete dick. Passing her on her way home as she's walking and it's like someone flipped a switch in this jacknut's brain and he's suddenly charming. My guess is the switch is in his pants as he's trying to pass off a cactus for an apology flower. So much sex appeal is getting thrown at us I'm surprised it took exactly 15minutes into the movie for someone to fall on a dick.

Speaking of sex, the movie gets ADD and a couple are making out in a truck when three guys pull the male out and start beating the piss out of him. ...NO IDEA WHY. I suddenly care less when the guy gets up again and starts beating them. I mean yeah it's random and I'm confused but hey people at least are getting mutilated. That's fun.

We're not given a whole lot of time to get to know characters. I swear every other scene one will pop back up that you recognize but the drive-by scenes that aren't even 5 minutes long are really making it hard to focus on anything.

When we do see the girl again from earlier she's an idiot taking a ride from a stranger. Because they don't teach stranger danger in the desert apparently. But luckily her shop buddy sees it and comes to her dumbass rescue. And even that didn't last long! It's like the script is a short story some kid wrote for their English class, you know the ones that you have to include a number of words you're currently learning into it.

And then a montage of the chick with her new boy toy having whimsical moments get stuck in random scene with two cops, then it ends with him accidentally scratching her but not really, then they're at a swimming hole. I should've saved all those ADD meds I tossed as a dumbass kid and saved them for this movie cause it really FUCKING NEEDS IT.

Then cut to old couple parking and the roof of their vehicle getting attacked by a Lon Chaney stand in, girl doing nothing, then guy trying to kill a wolf attacking his animals. Wolf gets away but the best part of this is the guys frustration at him getting away. To call it acting would be generous.

Our drifter wakes up shirtless and covered in blood, and what a shock! He's the werewolf. As he's screaming in frustration in the most terrible way one can act, the scene does cut aways within cut aways to the same fucking scene... WHY. It's not even a second later, it's just distracting and annoying and unnecessary.

Cop checks out the farm, dead animals blah blah blah, back to the Twilight story. The guy's being PMSy and tells the girl that he's the wolf who's been doing the killing, but of course she still loves him. After the only quality time they had together was a shit montage and their dick introduction, she loves him. I guess to prove it she wants to be with him when he turns that night, standing by him and just talking about his family and how this curse is possible, and the moon comes up. He starts screaming in pain as the "change" starts, and she actually asks him if he's okay... IF THEY'RE SCREAMING IN PAIN I DON'T THINK THEY'RE OKAY YOU FUCKING MORON!

Oh and the "change" was painfully dull, hence the constantly used quotations. I've seen better transformations in Animorphs.

She tries to run, fails because again, she's an idiot. Falls and passes out, and he doesn't even touch her. Instead he kind of just pets her face... I don't... Wolf jumps on a box, howls, and runs away. Chick wakes up and takes his car to drive off, and the movie kind of goes to a dream sequence that confuses you to think if the scene before even happened.

Next day the two see a gypsy who's unaware a dreadlock wig fell on her head. She tells him he hasn't tasted human blood and in order to keep his soul he needs to kill his father who not only has tasted human blood but relishes the curse.

We see the girls dad and the cop talk a lot about either his daughter hanging out with the shady drifter, or the deaths and what could be responsible. After another not-full-moon and the kid on the lose in his wolf state, the village people are getting restless and starting a riot. The sheriff and her lackey break up the fight and decide on cuddling in the moonlight. He leaves to take a leak when he glimpses one of the wolves. Then that went nowhere.

Scene cuts to half naked daughter in her room with one of the wolves watching her. ...That also goes NOWHERE.

Next day or night I guess... Daddy wolf decides he could go for sex and a bite and two hookers are dead by the next day. At least that was an amusing scene.

Ugh over protective daddy goes to wolfboy to threaten (I'm sorry, he calls it a ''warning'' not a ''threat'') him to stay away from his daughter. In the almost most over the top way to do it. The kid was as calm as can be but daddy was apparently looking too far into that, pulling the kid to his face with that shirt grip.

I forgot to mention like ten minutes into the movie one of the drive-by scenes was some random old guy probably drunk and putting a gun to his head. That scene went nowhere of course but we do see him again, when he comes in towards the end of the movie to warn the cop and her pet about a family with blood on their hands that he had been following. He knew of the dad and while he's talking there's this God awful newspaper background green screened behind him, and I have no idea if I heard him right because I'm trying to read the titles on the papers because how can I not, it's just that distracting and the green screen effect was just so bad how can you not stare.

We then flashback to the older gent (who we find out is a cop too) interrogating wolfdaddy which leads to the cop's wife getting murdered.

Wolfdad finds wolfboy and his girlfriend in a bar and they sit and talk for a little family reunion. As I'm watching I can't help but think Wolfdad is the only actor who actually gives a shit ...Lord only knows why! No one else does! But he's fucking nuts and the only enjoyable character in the movie. Just. Bless him.

The people in this town are fucking dicks. 3 guys for no reason at all try to get wolfboy out of his car and start a fight. The girlfriend comes to the rescue only to need to be rescued so of course wolfboy beats the piss out of them. Chick runs home and daddy sees she has a blackeye, assumes of course that her boyfriend did it. She of course doesn't correct him and runs off, causing her dad to look for her, and he and the boyfriend pass on the road and stop for a chat. They have a bit of a fight and then somehow become better aquainted to the point he can take wolfboy the the sheriff and they realize that Jr was killing animals, while Sr was doing the murders.

Wolfdad calls the group and tells them it's time for a showdown and to encourage them he has the girl. The four meet up along with the town idiot come to meet him, and the two wolves get hairy. While big bad is distracted dad lets his girl free, and wolfdick kills the out of town cop then throws the sheriff off balance where she somehow gets a messed up leg, but bitch can still shoot, nice to see she's not useless.

But of course she misses him completely and goes for the girl where the local yocal actually holds PapaWolf at bay so she can run. Why yes of course he dies.

Father and son have an affectionately violent fight while the bitch watches. Completely unharmed she manages to be useless, while the sheriff who's cut up manages to hobble all the way over to them to shoot down Papa Werewolf. Jr ends him and it's over. Unfortunately that means the fight not the movie.

This stupid fucking bitch... I can't even. This is Twilight. Somehow less painful, but still twilight. After being useless and WATCHING HIM ALMOST DIE, she has the NERVE to tell him she loved him and make out. NO. NO YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT. I honestly do not give a flying fuck when the movie ends with him walking off (shirtless of COURSE) into the sunset and leaving her, her dad, and the whole damn town behind.

This wasn't even so bad it's funny IT WAS JUST AWFUL.
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  #25  
Old 01-26-2016, 05:13 AM
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LMMFAO!! There seems to be so much " going nowhere " in this movie, I'm surprised it meandered it's way to an ending!!

Holy crap, I loved this review. It sounds like a the movie is a dreadful waste of time. Me thinks the most entertaining thing about the flick is your post, Roi!
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  #26  
Old 02-14-2016, 03:22 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Repo'd View Post
LMMFAO!! There seems to be so much " going nowhere " in this movie, I'm surprised it meandered it's way to an ending!!

Holy crap, I loved this review. It sounds like a the movie is a dreadful waste of time. Me thinks the most entertaining thing about the flick is your post, Roi!
Here's hoping I can do it again ^^;

-

The Diabolical

SPOILERS GALORE!!

A family of three (mom, brother, sister) are haunted by a skinless ghost that they believe to the their dead dad. The classmates in this movie are the kids age (sister a younger 5) and hardly look older than ten, but they talk like my adult coworkers. Mostly in way of the swearing and it bothers me with just... who writes a script like this for kids?!

Oh and mom's stupid as fuck. She knows just as well as the kids do how fucked up haunted their house is with this skinless specter terrorizing them, and she basically tells them to suck it up and they are staying in the house. It finally takes half an hour of movie and the thing to hurt the kids for her to finally call for help and try and get the kids out of the house, but that doesn't last long.

She calls a doctor and tries to figure out why the kids suddenly fall ill then once in the house are better again. ...Doesn't seem to connect this to the ghost at all even though she's seen it and knows it torments the kids.

Mom's boyfriend finds out and they debate how to solve it, discussing the signs of when it appears and disappears, what it can do, etc.

There's some history with the brother having some anger issues and a counselor stops by once in a while, but we're not filled in on why or what happened or how the father died until about the movie is half over. And then we only know the boy and his father hand a fight and his father left and never came back. I'm guessing car accident but I still don't understand why the kid's treated like a criminal...

The councilor comes back and the brother explains he was only looking out for his sister and a private talk between her and the mother reveals the boy beat another kid unconscious within the past 6 months. BUT WHY?! Explain movie! EXPLAIN!

The little family, boyfriend included, are having a game night when it's interrupted but no-longer-skinless. He's more tangible now, mom breaks a chair off him, so naturally they hide upstairs behind a closed door. From a ghost. Behind a door. After mom CLEARLY mentioned that the thing was able to go through walls earlier in the movie. I don't fucking know but somehow it works anyway when they slam the door on its fingers.

A company has given the mom an offer on the house and throughout the movie has been pressing the issue more and more. She pushes it aside repeatedly until she goes over images of the ghost again and sees a number and symbol on its clothes that are the same as before mentioned company's. Looking into the company further she discovers that her boyfriend was previously involved with the company working on some horrible project.

Prisoner "volunteers" were experimented on and he claims he tried to stop their attempts. The things they were working on have something to do with teleportation and time travel. I am now completely lost. I think I got thrown into another movie. From what I understand chances are that in their attempts to be teleported, their bodies were mutilated horribly, so the mother naturally decides to fuck them up further with makeshift weapons of knives and saw blades.

The kids are put away in a different room, but don't worry there's a closed door to protect them. Just in time for the prisoner from the future to pop in again and just as THAT happens the guy wanting to buy their house is back and the prisoner attacks him. I don't... I have no idea what he did. The guy's fingers are somehow melted together and there's black goo spilling from his mouth. Whatever he's dead now.

Mom and her bf get the guy trapped and beat it up til it goes unconscious when cops show up. Their role in this was pointless, both are killed by the inmate in like 5 minutes. As it approaches the terrified family it looks around strangely. It's not til the boy gets cut and a glow appears on the inmate's face to give it a matching scratch that we find out it's actually the boy from the future.

He attacks mom and the boyfriend shoots him, both fall and end up teleported back to the future I guess. Mom fixes things and gets fixed and ends up back in the past this was a weird movie... It had some good ideas but I don't think they were expressed properly. It could've been better. A lot better.
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  #27  
Old 02-14-2016, 03:48 PM
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This has actually piqued my interest!
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  #28  
Old 02-14-2016, 03:54 PM
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Roiffalo Roiffalo is offline
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Don't do it, Bloofer! XD
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  #29  
Old 02-14-2016, 08:56 PM
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Hilarious, as always. I share your frustration with this film. Lots of head scratchers, and not the good kind.
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  #30  
Old 02-15-2016, 03:37 AM
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Hahaha! Oh Roi, keep em coming! I almost hope you NEVER live-review a movie that's actually good. Your thoughts on the shitty ones are just too fun.
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