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  #31  
Old 02-15-2016, 06:20 AM
The Bloofer Lady The Bloofer Lady is offline
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Don't do it, Bloofer! XD
I can't help it...I have bad taste!!
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  #32  
Old 02-18-2016, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Giganticface View Post
Hilarious, as always. I share your frustration with this film. Lots of head scratchers, and not the good kind.
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Originally Posted by Repo'd View Post
Hahaha! Oh Roi, keep em coming! I almost hope you NEVER live-review a movie that's actually good. Your thoughts on the shitty ones are just too fun.
Thanks guys! Your comments mean a lot.

Don't worry, Rep, thankfully my taste in movies is about as good as Bloofer's is.

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I can't help it...I have bad taste!!
At least you admit it.
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  #33  
Old 02-18-2016, 02:56 PM
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This thing almost didn't a review, but then I started to see a very ANNOYING pattern. Can you guess what it is?

-

Neverlake


::SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SO MUCH SPOILERS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED TO STOP HERE!::

I don't think this movie asked itself enough questions. It starts off with a girl going to stay with her dad, and on the drive home the girl screams because they almost hit a little boy. The dad never sees him and neither question wtf just happened.

Dad's obsessed with some lake and the girl has a lot of dreams about it, and wastes no time to go visit it. There she meets a blind girl who takes her to meet some other strange and ill children. One of which was the boy they almost hit the day she arrived to town, but she never asks who he is ow if he's okay or just "Hey it was nice running into you the other day. Almost LITERALLY."

The girl visits the kids frequently, only to read to them. We don't see if she ever talks to them about anything else, or ask about their connection with the lake, which they make obvious when they take her to visit it after she stays late one night.

Her father has her take pills and she asks no questions, even when her health seems fine without them. They're obsessed with her eating habits and always want her to have breakfast. Doesn't inquire about that either. She even ends up in the hospital and getting an operation but she doesn't ask for much detail on that either! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS IDIOT.

ANYWAY. The kids tell the girl after a visit to the lake and summoning its spirits that they need help to go to rest, by taking the idols her father keeps in his study, and throwing them back in the lake. Which she actually does, AGAIN NOT ASKING WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THIS.

When she stole the idols she sees a TV on in the back of the room and playing cartoons. She actually wonders about this so after her father leaves the house again, she investigates only to discover she has what looks like a lobotomized sister.

Her dad walks in on them, and asks where the idols are. SURPRISINGLY the girl asks where the fuck has this child been her whole life, and finds that the sister is four years older than her and very sick, the only child he was able to conceive with the woman who is NOT our main character's mother but the real love of his life. They've worked very hard to keep her alive, operating on her themselves. It's then that the numbskull puts together that the little trip to the hospital was actually her loving daddy harvesting her organs to save his eldest child.

...Why the hell did her grandmother not cut ties completely from this madman. We're told that she didn't like him, that means she had to have known what he did to her daughter. ...If she was even the daughters mother I don't think that was made clear. I'm going to assume so because why else would she not like him. But anyway instead of making sure she never returns to him she's sent to the hospital after taking ill, and she goes back to live with him.

She runs, and her father chases her saying how much like her mother she was. It's poorly explained but I GUESS her mother was raped to create this girl so that her body could be used to save the sister. She couldn't outrun a parked car, as she just curls up twitching so that her deranged father could sedate her and finish what he started.

One of the kids she had been visiting comes to her aid, telling her to retrieve the 6 bronze idols that her father had made and thrown into the lake and then he just vanishes but somehow she's free.

She runs for the lake and her father follows. He... somehow ends up on the OPPOSITE side of the lake from her as she's taking the idols out of the water. She gets a few out, one of the children encouraging her on while her sister meanwhile is relapsing, foaming at the mouth and wounds appear out of nowhere.

For some reason the girl takes the idols to shore herself and counts them instead of just counting them and throwing them as she goes but whatever. Her father follows but the kid summons a lake medusa and she drags deranged daddy to the bottom of the lake and he's dead, his oldest daughter soon follows and the police show up at their house.

The girl takes her father's idols back to the kids and they each reveal that the idols represent something that her father took from them so he could keep his daughter alive. Eyes, legs, heart, to name a few. The oldest child, Peter, who was also the kid to help her through all this, gives her the key to where her father had them all locked up until he harvested what he needed from them. She finds one victim still there. Her mother. Who tells her the children where all her siblings.


Despite all the angry rambling it actually was a decent movie and had a very satisfying ending. I just can't believe how clueless this girl was through out it! It's obvious early on that there's something not right about the kids she meets, yet she doesn't ask questions. Her father acts very suspicious but she doesn't try to find out why. Her fucking health even was at risk and she never does anything to help herself! You almost don't care if she lives or dies just because of how unrealistically uncaring she is about everything. The only time we see her show ANY kind of concern is when her daddy breaks promises to do things with her time and time again. Priorities maybe?! HELLO!

Another thing is why does he keep all the kids locked up but didn't keep and lock up the main character? Why did she get to exist and have somewhat of a life outside all this insanity while her siblings were bred like expendable cattle and held until he needed them? A lot of things just don't make sense and it takes away from the story.

I think the moral of our story is: "Don't be afraid to ask questions. It might save you from a organ harvesting madman who might also your breeding crazy daddy."
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  #34  
Old 04-04-2016, 02:56 AM
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Uncaged

I think Baron brought this to my attention last year...? Anyway Netflix got it, so I checked it out.

It wasn't the worst werewolf movie I've seen... But at the same time it could have been better. I really REALLY want to say it was good. It had decent characters, but sadly all the best ones were rarely on screen. Decent story. But my God that family! I can understand leaving your child with another family if you killed your significant other and may be on the run from the law and are afraid you'll accidentally kill it during your next round of carnivorous lunar activities, but at least have the DECENCY to come back to the kid when you know he's going to suffer the same fucking way you did when you could help him!

He also has an uncle who suffers the same fate (btw why wasn't the kid brought to him to be raised with his parent?!), and invites the kid up when he knows he's going to go through werewolf puberty too. That's all well in good... UNTIL HE LEAVES. WHY. WOULD. YOU. LEAVE. He even had a cage and shackles he could of well fucking shared, and he just takes it all and leaves! Like... "fuck you kid, I'm looking after my own ass, see you when the moon's no longer a bitch".

As it was his nephew had to figure shit out on his own, his mom only helping him on the first night but while he was asleep and he didn't even know she was there... I don't know why she didn't just walk up to him during the day and explain shit. Granted he wouldn't have believed her and she probably would have had to do the same thing that night with drugging him and taking him away, but she records the change and after seeing that I'm sure he would have came around!

The pacing just sucked. They needed so many full moons to tell this story and I don't think that was necessary. They didn't even focus on a full moon for long! Soon as he changed we went back to him trying to figure shit out the next morning! I realize this is pacing and build up, which is all well and good. They did something similar (but of course done WAY better) in American Werewolf in London. But here's the big difference. The build up to that was to reveal a horrifying climax with this masterpiece of a monster they created to show as the werewolf. This... This was a shaved Chewy. I mean if you're going to build up to something, give us more than a half-assed Jack Pierce knock off! Actually, no, that would be a compliment. It wasn't even that well detailed. The cover art is the werewolf equivalent of a cock tease.

There was also a lot of new werewolf myths that were thrown at us that they didn't even bother to explain and made the ending really vague. It's going to get a little spoilery here now but at the final battle scene, the kid is stressing to his psycho friend that silver bullets won't work unless he uses them before he turns. This wasn't mentioned before. And when he IS shot with them, it of course cuts to the next morning with the victim alive but he's either dead or unconscious. We don't know if he lived from what he said or if he was full of shit and actually kicked the hypothetical bucket... THAT WAS ANNOYING.

I would rate thissss... 2 out of 5 full moons.
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  #35  
Old 04-05-2016, 02:00 AM
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Posting this here too cause why the hell not. Haven't been inspired to make a better review to post.

-

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

I thought this was a SciFi crap classic, but it's from Asylum. That was unexpected. Doesn't make it that much better of a film though, the CGI is just as shitty as SciFi's. Characters are better with a love interest already established between a married couple. I loved that. Got all the googly eyed teen love nonsense out of the way.

The movie wastes no time in getting to the point. That being a Megaladon was released from some ancient ice that melted, so they made a large robot shark to combat it. All within the first ten minutes! No build up what so ever. Any feeling they try to get out of the audience they throw out in random exposition with, 'my brother/son/friend/second cousin twice removed on my uncle's side was killed by this thing'. Not even a flashback to show it. Just a partial sentence spewed out.

That aside the Mecha Shark is actually pretty awesome. It's like JARVIS and Jaws had a love child, and it's great to watch in action, even making a superhero move by intercepting the mega shark from attacking a plane. The thing is run by a AI and yet it needs a human pilot. Thankfully the AI (called Nero), has to point out it can pilot it alone after the driver is almost killed halfway through the movie, and is given permission to do so.

A couple of ships are lost at this point, without even a scratch on the shark. Which makes me wonder WHY WEREN'T ALL THE SHIPS CALLED BACK WHEN WAY BEFORE THIS POINT PEOPLE WERE ALREADY DYING FROM THIS FUCKER. The people in this are more stupid than the mayor from Jaws.

The two sharks get in a fight and somehow the mecha gets launched out of the water and ends up in the middle of fucking Sydney. The thing got over ridden by a 'kill all' system, which fucking sucks cause Nero was almost a better character than half the characters. Mecha goes on a rampage after acquiring tank feet by going amphibian mode, and they have to get it back in the water in hopes the two monsters will take each other out.

I'm not going to ramble about the rest cause honestly, it wasn't that bad. It was bad but in comparison to SciFi films it's a classic. If you asked me for a movie recommendation, I would probably recommend something good and not this. But if you asked me if this was okay to watch, I'd say ''if you like SciFi channel movies, but don't like a lot of stupid, sure''.
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  #36  
Old 04-07-2016, 02:34 AM
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Dark Moon Rising (2015)

Not even two minutes in and I'm already regretting my decision to continue on with this. Werewolves with superpowers? The fuck? Like turning into a giant monster isn't enough?! The wolves are so sad. The design looked good, but Jesus H Christ that CGI was some of the worst I've ever seen. Course it doesn't help they probably spent all their fucking CGI budget on the Godamn opening credits!! And they also read the title for us. It's like they expect an audience so stupid to even read to be able to watch this. This is all before the opening credits are over! No build up, terrible characters, bad filming...

I probably should have taken these comments as a sign:



Oh ho ho ho buckle up, kids, this is going to be a fun ride.

These people... did they just pull them in off the streets?! None of them can act. Not even trying. There's an emo boy in here who's so quiet he practically whispers his lines. When he's around you can sometimes hear what people are thinking, so maybe that's his power??? He doesn't show any emotion to it at all so I can't tell or give a shit, and then we're hearing inside HIS head! Whyyyyyy. It's distracting and unnecessary!

The dialogue in this is like the stitching of random movies together. Nothing these people say makes SENSE, it's like we should already be in the know but at the same time it treats us like we're illiterate children. It's not just the way they talk but also just the way they move that's unnatural. It's like a bad bad BAD Twilight fan-fiction. Emo kid is only the tip of the iceberg, but I'll get to that. There are a few interesting parts where it looks like he has werewolf senses developing, hearing and seeing things, but of course he also has things developing that don't make fucking sense of course. Like coughing up water in the middle of english class. Or seeing people's skeletons like he's Superman developing x-ray vision.

He freaks out and a girl follows him to warn him and idk i'm only paying half attention now. At least she takes us to her place where we meet her dad. Who has all the talent in the movie, but that's not saying a lot. At least his bad dialogue can be passed off on the alcohol. He has a random Nam flashback that has red eyed wolves in it... The consistency of the wolf forms in this is STAGGERING.

They only vaguely stress some kind warning of bad shit to come, and take him out back to witness a random naked guy in mid-transformation, and they try to get him to shoot him before he finishes the shift (weird kink but whatever). The kid can't do it, so the girl does. It wasn't even doing anything. It was just standing there... Just a plan wolf. Just standing there. I guess it offended them somehow.

Next scene is the random pack randomly killing. These guys are the terrible biped CGI with superpowers because why the fuck not. One in particular has goggles, wolverine hair, and talks like Batman.

Random chick from earlier shows up again and takes Emo Kid away, and she tells him to think of somewhere he wants to be then there's a stampede of CGI deer and then they're on rocks surrounded by fairies and my God I think I might be having a bad acid trip. Me or the movie, one of us just HAS TO.

She tells him he doesn't have to follow her she can take care of herself but he says that she can't when the red moon arrives and when did he get THAT information?! Instead of showing us your delusions movie, how about you start explaining shit! We're only just over the half way mark!

Oh well fuck that BACK TO THE BATMAN PACK. They're at a party and the leader somehow influences them to kill each other? I don't know I don't see anyone even throwing a punch, it all just looks like Godawful dancing, but yet there's blood flying everywhere.

AND BACK TO EMO KID and his imaginary friend who might not be imaginary but a changing werewolf? They run into the dad and he threatens to shoot her, and she says one of the people she could kill is his daughter, so instead of doing the logical thing at this point and KILLING HER, he lowers the weapon and instead... I don't know what this is... teaching her how to meditate? Next minute there's a CGI butterfly and I'm in a L'Oreal commercial. JESUS someone kill this movie!

One of the pack members, a wall-eyed Asian girl, pays dad a visit and they talk about some deal they have and how he won't comply, so the wall-eyed leader comes out of nowhere and has his hench...wolf... use some Jedi bullshit on him that looks like a CSI clip where she's delving into his mind to get the information they want. They find out about the girl and emo boy, then kill him.

And THEN we're in the acid dream again of rocks and fairies. You think I'm making this shit up but no, there's fairies and terrible photoshop brushes smudging up the screen all while they share their FEELINGS. I think at this point he even confesses to being a fairy and she says she's not even real and at this point... I'd rather be watching TWILIGHT. FUCKING. TWILIGHT. That movie is absolute shit too but at least I can follow the story! This... this is just painful!

She tells him to just go back to a normal life and forget about her, and I'm MORE than happy to do so with this movie. I guess they go through some emo contemplation cause the next scene consists of five second scenes of reading poetry at the bottom of trees and sitting on a bridge head down and wearing a hoodie, then just cutting to a carnival. Emo kid is there with a friend we only see for a two minute conversation at the very beginning. And honestly, I'm more concerned about his friend's personal battle of riding some twirly thing without throwing up then what happens next.

Emo kid goes one way with the blond chick who's dad was killed, she fights a wolf that walks out of a bon...fire... whatever. And Emo kid's girlfriend is put in a room with emo kid's friend, and he's talking to her like he knows here when this is the first we even see them on screen together! Emo kid gets there first and releases him and he runs, and it's batman wolf versus these two, and a we're hit by a shit storm of stupid.

Now at this point... the END of the movie instead of the fucking BEGINNING, they put little captions up of these pack fuckers names. Like I'm going to care or remember NOW?! Batman goes CGI and in one hit takes down the werewolf chick, and goes after emo kid. He's able to repeatedly take boxes over the head and still stand, even yell stop, and the fucker stops... What a TERRIBLE VILLAIN. This kid does a weird job of doing better than the wolfchick. He was at some point poisoned, but there's never a contact point seen. No bite or anything. The next forever is spent with Batman monologue. At this point if I were the kid I'd just want to fucking die already.

Bitchchick comes back, and Batman claims he can't see her weak points, to which SHE explains is because she has none as she's the apex something bullshit. If this was so what the HELL wasn't she fighting instead of her boyfriend?! Emo kid did WAY more than she did, if I didn't know better I'd say HE was the one who was supposed to be the werewolf and not her.

Back to the blond chick and the firepit bitch. Apparently she failed. That's all. She said she failed and RIGHT back to emo kid and he's ok. SO MUCH so he's the flash in the next 1.8 second scene. No fucking sense what so ever but WHO CARES! The credits roll and the torment is finally over!

How... Just HOW did this movie get enough funding to even get a fucking DVD release?! I'd much rather be watching a Big Wolf on Campus marathon but no, THIS deserves the money for DVD availability!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FjW...&nohtml5=False
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  #37  
Old 04-07-2016, 05:32 PM
The Bloofer Lady The Bloofer Lady is offline
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So I'm thinking you liked it...😉. May try check it out.
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  #38  
Old 04-08-2016, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by The Bloofer Lady View Post
So I'm thinking you liked it...😉. May try check it out.
Bloofer, no
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  #39  
Old 04-08-2016, 07:01 PM
The Bloofer Lady The Bloofer Lady is offline
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You know, you seem to be a very talented young lady...good on ya'.
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  #40  
Old 04-08-2016, 08:27 PM
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Thank you
It's just rambling rants though, nothing really talented about it.
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